So much things changed over the past 6 months since i last posted anything. 

i got promoted. yay. new challenges ahead.

i became the head of acappella. yay. more work for me to do. 

i got attached! now this is major. hence. i decided to start a new blog, with the beginning of my new life with my boy, penning down my feelings and thoughts throughout this journey with him. 

It's been almost 2 months since I last blogged. That flight that I mentioned, all went well. I was blessed. And the interview that I went, I passed it. After 8.5yrs, im finally gonna embark onto the next phase of this job.

Some says it's good, some says it's bad. Always pros and cons to everything,  but I guess it's all about perception, and what u are after in life. It's gonna be a new challenge for me, as higher rank comes with more responsibilities. Though some may say it's just a job, clear conscious is still of utmost importance to me.

Recently I've been spending more time chatting with my BFF. I dunno if he's already recovered from that heartbreaking moment, but I hope at least my company can help soothe things a little bit.

Sometimes we all take things for granted, especially when people are nice to you and you are on the receiving end. I feel nice being taken care of, but yet I dunno how to show that I appreciate all the effort. I for sure did not and am not taking him for granted. He is important to me, for he is someone who knows me more than myself.

And sometimes,  people may not know wad they really want, and get confused with wad their next action should be. But sometimes, not doing anything may be the best thing to do, until they are certain of wad they want.

It's been a while since I have trouble sleeping. It's 4am and I had 3 beer, and I'm up now, sharing my thoughts here, and it's a little disturbing not knowing wad I'm thinking about.

Maybe tomorrow will bring the light to me, when the sun shines on me. 

it's already mid july. went to tibet in june with my family, and met up with my brother there... it was an experience and eye opener that i will never forget. Tibet has never been a choice of travel destination for me, not until my brother suggested it. somehow the culture and the religious people there tames my heart and soothes the mind. 

after 10 days away from home, it's back to reality again. work, eat, drink, sleep. my brother left for amsterdam end of jun. it was the start of his summer 'tour' cum exchange studies in europe. i hope he felt the support that i've given him so far.

i had my interview for my promotion last mon. i dun wanna think about how i fare or how the interviewers think of me. i dun wanna have a bigger disappointed, just like last yr. i can only hope for the best. 

i msged N's mom on her birthday. she only replied a few days later, cos she only just on her phone then. but it was nice to know that she's still good, and still remembers me.

coincidentally, i dreamt of N last night. dreamt that we bumped into each other at a shopping centre, and we sat down for a coffee. in btw there were a few incidents that got me laughing in my dreams. but wad does it mean? wad is my dream trying to tell me? guess i will never know, but time will tell. 

i am so not looking forward to go to work next mon, the man i detest will be in my team. thank god for my leader, who made plans for us to not be pair together. hope that few days will be smooth sailing.

have faith. that's wad i tell myself. 

end of my first assignment... two days of standing for 6 hours straight, with smiles on my face, not know if it's real or fake. clearly not as easy as it seems. first day was tougher, as i didnt know wad to expect. but today was a lot better. i guess the standing part and non stop talking was tiring, but wad makes it tougher is being in the eyes of the public, having every move and inch watched by people around me.

it was a pleasant surprise to be able to work hand in hand w amanda. finally, after 8 years, we are working together again. have always been in the same company, but never a chance to work together. remind me of the good old cx days.

wad was comforting, was that liyan came to visit on the first day, and alvin came today after his flight. touched. sometimes, just little actions from my close ones can bring some warmth to me.

however much tired i am, it has been really a great experience, being able to represent the company, be the face of the icon, and i guess that is the satisfaction from this. these two days i meet lots of people of different races and nationality. it is just different from those that i meet at work. these ppl are planning for holidays, while those i encounter at work are on a holiday. the excitement of the kids, the negativity of some of them, some amazed w wad we have to offer... all the different reaction to this, just proves that everyone has their own background, different people comes from all walks of life.

hoping i will be given more of such opportunities... for more and bigger exposure, for better things, or person, to come my way. 

At this very moment, T should be Getting ready to fetch his bride. Out of all the guys I've dated, 3 are married. Out of the 3, think T is the one that Really got me thinking, why isn't the bride me. Not that I have deep feelings for him, But more of being compatible in terms of character, that allow us to be each other's companion. I think Maybe That's more important for me at this stage of my life, finding the guy whom I dun hate, who loves me enough for me to live the rest of my life With. 

Till the moment before He left his house to fetch his bride, He was still chatting w me... when I'm all the way in Frankfurt. I Dunno if what I'm feeling is right, But I guess It's gonna be a 心中的遗憾 for him. He doesn't seem to be excited about his wedding, nor does He seem to be looking forward to this need phase of life w his wife to be. 

Frankfurt Really is a place that brings back a lot of memory. When I was dating N, we Skype all day and msg each other all day.... smiles on my face, basking in his love. When I'm dating T, He changed his duty to come to Frankfurt w me.. we went to Heidelberg for a day's trip... it was So refreshing, having someone close to me on my work trip. And now I'm in Frankfurt, reminiscing the good times w him, while He's in Singapore, Getting married. 

Irony of life isn't it. But all is good. I'm Happy for him. And for me. loneliness reset, But It's not something I'm not used to Anyway. 

祝你幸福。

It was Really Quite a quiet birthday for me this year. No big gatherings w cakes and candles, or loud singing and clapping to the Happy birthday song. The only big one was from peien, her custom made cake for me. Must have been my luck to have her as a friend.

This month has been good. Flights, and crew, and pax. Even friends. You know, sometimes Wad get to you is the kind of friends who piss u off or upset you. I didn't get that from anyone this month.

Some good news, I'm the top 1% of the group in terms of work performance, which is a huge achievement for me. on top of that, I'm asked to do special task by the company, Which I feel, is an honour. Some may feel It's extra work which can be quite superficial, But to me, it's a sign that I'm being noticed, and That's Wad I've been working towards to this coming year for the promotion. Of course I'm going to prepare for this leap With an Open mind, and not expecting too much from it.

Good things will come the way of those who think positively. True that? I believe and Hope it does. 

a few more days to my 28th birthday. honestly speaking, birthday is just another day to me now. there isn't really much to look forward to, except all the gatherings that seem to all happen within the birthday month. really appreciate all who still make the effort to remember my birthday, and to celebrate with me.

i've been inactive on my blog for a year or so. this past yr, has been kind of a emotional rollercoaster ride for me. went for my promotion interview, didn't get it. met a guy whom i thought may be the one for me, didn't get him either. went to myanmar for a volunteer trip, went to sydney for a family trip, brought my mom to frankfurt to meet my brother.

this year, i haven't achieved anything yet. i'm still single, the guy i used to date is getting married next week, the guy i met last yr whom i thought i may have a chance with, is getting married next month.

guess the only good thing i can think of, was that my first love got back in touch with me. i was really surprised to receive his msg, and that he wanna catch up. all these years, we have never really been in contact except for that one time when i bumped into him in brisbane. my friends all ask, any chance of reconciliation? i guess, at this point of time, i'm just happy to have him back in my life, even as a friend.

and currently a very important friend of mine is going through relationship problems... just hope he will be strong and tide through this. 

few more days before we come to the end of the 1st quarter of 2014. Have been really busy creating a history: mastering German in a short frame of two months. When the company offered a German speaking scheme, I didn't think much of it when I sent in my application. I just thought, 345 is coming to an end, the next step for me is to be 380 trained, why not just try and apply for this, at least I can secure my long flights in the future. During the interview, I didn't think I'll have a chance to get through. Most of the German flights are operated on a 380, but I wasn't trained at that time. I have zero knowledge and background about German. But surprisingly, out of 200+ who submitted their application! out of the 60+ who was selected for interview! I'm one of the 15 who were chosen for this scheme.

It was tough, really tough. Two whole months of intensive course, mon to fri, 9 to 5. Even during the weekends we will break into groups and meet up for study group. That was how serious our batch is about this whole German thing. I was the first person to breakdown in my class, that was how stress I was. But I'm proud to say, I became the MVP of the class. There were so much bonding in this batch, i loved every one of them. Maybe because majority of them are mature (age 26-41), there wasn't any cliques or politics in class. Everyone was helpful towards each other, not selfish to share their notes and methods of learning.

Now that the course has ended, I'm missing the times I have spent with each and everyone of them. Rally happy that we are still in contact through group chat and 1/3 of us are even continuing the German course at our own expense! So now all of us are wearing the uniform with a German flag on our name tag, besides having to make German announcements on board, we have to brace ourselves for any German passengers who cannot speak English.

Next up is my 380 training. I have just done my first 380 flight to shanghai, and even got to fly with my sec school close friend! It was a bonus to me, having the privilege to work with her and even got to catch up with her over the night and flight. Being a senior on the flight has its advantage, I am forgiven for the unfamiliarity of the aircraft as I can make up for it with my work efficiently. Haha.

Just the first quarter of the yr, I've achieved quite a number of this: got to see my close friend get married (considered an achievement?),  got my open water certification, got my German A1 qualification, got trained for 380, and got to catch up w a long time old friend.

Now that all the trainings are over, it's back to normal flying life, it's time to earn the bucks back. 2 months of grounded time is a big hole to my pocket. But good thing, rostering department has been good to me so far.

What's in for me in the next coming months, is for me to finish up my leadership management course, and my German course. It wouldn't be easy, but I'm sure I'll pull through.

Duncan has been asking me to go for my advance diving course. Really tempted to, but need to earn the bucks before making any future plans about it. Also, I'll need to find a new diving partner.

Till then, I shall be looking forward to May, when I'll fly over to LA to visit my brother, and June when the Lees will have our first holiday together since 15 years ago.

Of course, in the midst of all these, I hope to make more new friends, and better if I can find someone to share my ups and downs with. That'll be a bonus. I know.

First post of the yr, it's gonna be about my best friend's wedding. 

Yesterday was pamela's wedding, and i was honoured to be her maid of honour. Despite having been involved in so many weddings, this is actually the first wedding that i actually know both the bride and the groom, and organised a hen's party, had get together sessions w the sister and brother team, and made a speech. Really awesome and fun loving bunch of people, and i am really lucky to be part of this. 

There were a few hiccups before and during the wedding day itself, but the couple was surprisingly calm in handling the situations, taking them all in as they come along. And also, pam was confident that the bridal party are capable enough to handle everything. I am proud to say, i have managed and carried out my duties well enough to be deemed as a maid of honour. 

It's not easy letting someone step into ur life, and furthermore, spending ur whole life w him. I must say, people who are married are brave people, and i am envious of this bravery of theirs. They are willing to let themselves carry another responsibility, and input changes to their lives. 

I am now in bintan, on an open water diving course trip. This is something that has never ever crossed my mind as something i will do. So when kenneth asked if i'm interested to join him, i was a bit reluctant at first. Then i thought, why not try something new. So here i am, having difficulty learning and performing the necessary skills required to pass the course, but at least to me, i can say, this is something i have tried and done before, and it is a sense of achievement for me. 

Tmr is the last day of the course and trip, i am the slowest student of the whole group, but that's not gonna stop me from plucking up the courage to overcome my fear of removing the mask from my face underwater.

Likewise, i'm gonna use this to motivate myself to pluck up the courage to move on with life however hard it may seem to be, just like how i did what i'm gonna do tmr to pass the course.

Cheers.

Third post of the year, and this time w a lot more emotions and thoughts in my mind.

I just got back from a yoga retreat, something which I never thought I'll ever do in my life. I was never a person who was involved in sports, and all of a sudden gym, watching diet and all come into place. At first I believe it was just s self conscious act, not wanting to look bigger than I already am. But after this yoga retreat, something hit me. I begin to realize that keeping fit and all, not only works the body, but the mind as well. It's taxing on the body and mind for this whole retreat, it was so powerful that I was actually getting emotional and fighting to hold my tears back when I couldn't get the pose right. And it wasn't the pain that was causing the welling up in my eyes, but the fight between my mind and body, one wanting to just give up and another fighting to keep me going. I'm just so glad that my mind won the fight, and made me a stronger person now, physically and mentally.

There was a part of the retreat when we had a group sharing session. Everyone picks a piece of paper from a bag, each containing a negative word and we are suppose to share our experience or thoughts about the word that we got. And my word was HATE. The moment i saw the word, my tears just flow uncontrollably. I hated myself for the longest time. Hated myself for being born in a family where I didn't feel appreciated when I was younger, hated myself for who I am because of how people judge me, hated myself for being me. But I guess over time, i learn how to overcome it by being appreciative. Appreciate life as it is, appreciate the people around me, appreciate the things that I experience, and appreciate myself for being the independent, strong me that I can be.

Maybe it doesn't matter if no ones seems to understands me. Or maybe it doesn't matter if no one seems to appreciate me. Maybe it's ok to feel lonely at times. Maybe it's not so sad after all. And maybe all I need is some encouragement and a hug along the way to give me that little push in my life, to know that everything will be ok, everything will be fine. 

after 3.5 years, i finally met him again. it came as a shock to me. and i was totally unprepared for this. emotions overwhelmed me. i couldnt sleep, i couldnt eat properly, i couldnt think. all that was in my mind was memories of us back then. our happy days.

when the time came to finally meet him again proper, i was so so so nervous. my heart was beating so fast i swear it could have stopped anytime. it wasnt too bad after all, really it wasnt. in fact, it was that familiar feeling, that comfortable companion feel that i get, all over again. i really enjoyed catching up with him, and was really surprised that he could remember some of the little details about my life. it's either he has a damn good memory, if not, i hold a place in his heart, important enough for him to remember things about my life. and i chose to believe it's the latter.

i texted him, thanking him for dinner. and i got a reply. "it was nice wasnt it? be good now, till the next time. sweet dreams." and that was the last i hear from him.

i dunno wad has gotten into me, but this has affected me quite a bit. my emotions are all stirred up once again, and it makes no sense to people around me if i start to emo about him again now, besides that very day that i saw him, so my only option is to keep to myself, and share my thoughts here.

it has only been four days, but i am still so so affected. after all these years, i still chose to believe, everything happens for a reason. and right now, i really wish i knew the reason behind this. 

the year started with so many news of death... all are loved ones of my friends. all in their 20s. how vulnerable life can be. those who wanna live dun have a choice, and yet there are those who choose to end their life just like that.

i used to have this selfish thought too. i used to think, life is so meaningless, might as well be better off dead. no aim, no goal, nothing to look forward to. though i still think 早死早好 is good, i wouldnt end my life on purpose. to those people who have a group of friends they always hang out with, family who are very closely attached to each other, i envy them.

no doubt everyone around me may think that i have a lot of friends, but not being in any clique makes a lot of difference in my social life as compared to others who are. being in cliques, everyone makes an effort to gather on festive seasons, special occasions, frequent meetups, always in touch w each other. for me, i spend every xmas, every countdown, every birthday, all with different groups of people. somehow, i dun feel like i belong anywhere. i am like a "guest starring" in every clique. and "guest starring" i use is just to make it sound nice.

maybe it's the nature of my job, or maybe it's just me. sometimes i enjoy being alone, but most of the time when i say i do, i'm just saying so to convince myself it's ok to be alone. if not, days are hard to pass, life is hard to get by. being away from home all the time makes it worse.

i know there are people who might be concerned about me, and i am really thankful for them. no one will know and understand how much it means for someone like me to have friends who care. i treasure friendship, and appreciate people who knows i do. that is why it is so hard for my to reject help from my friends, even if i know i am just being used. that is why i will do all that i can and go all out for my friends, even if i know i will not be appreciated in the end. because at the end of the day, i know, even if i really lose this friend, i have done my best to salvage this friendship, conscious clear.

having said that, i believe everyone that i meet in my life cross my path for a reason, one way or another. because i believe, everything happens for a reason, and this belief and faith will help me stay strong. 

another 3 months have passed... and lots have been thought through and been through.

my brother has settled down in LA.. adjusting to the culture, place, people perfectly. i'm really glad that he's doing well over that, his rowing, his studies, his social life. proud to have him as my little brother, the tall, mature, kind, smart little brother of mine.

life for me has been a lot less hectic.. i spend my free time watching drama, listening to music, and chilling at Hood. i frequent there, not only becos of the live bands, but also becos i know, there'll always be someone i know whenever i go there, always will feel safe and not having to worry about not having people to take care of me.

but somehow, something is missing.. it feels like, something big has been taken out from my heart and it feels empty. maybe it's a sign of aging, but a lot of reminiscing has been done for the past few months.. about the 1st him, 2nd him, and the few potentials that cross my path in life...

maybe it's becos there are a handful that got married, got pregnant, got attached, got divorced and a handful that fell out of love, and all these things happening to the people around me that made me think about life a bit more than usual.

i guess in life, having its ups and downs, it's inevitable to have mixed feelings about things or people. but ultimately, i feel, i've learnt, that we should always love ourself more and build up the confidence in ourself. i always believe, one day, i will find the one who will not care if i'm rich or poor, pretty or ugly. he'll love me forever, cherish me and care for me always. 

2 months away from blogging... now i'm back...

have been really busy prepping for my performance for a song writing competition, attending nail care lessons, attending courses offered by my company.. busy till i have no time to rest, busy till i have no me time.

but that's good in a way i guess.. having things to occupy my time... enriching my life...

wad impacted me the most was last night. people who said they'll come and support me didn't come. instead, my mom came. i was surprised when my dad told me to get 3 tickets instead of 2. having my brother and dad to come and support me, i was already very very touched. and when i heard that my mom was coming, it made me even more nervous, but yet, i had the drive to wanna perform my best to show her and make her proud of me.

she is one special mom that has never step foot onto any of my schools before. other than my graduation from SIA training school, she's never attended any of my meet-the-parent sessions, or any of my graduations. so when i heard she was coming to support me, i was really touched. the feeling i had was more than words can say.

maybe my sis's wedding really brought my family closer than ever. everyone will make effort to meet more regularly for meals, my mom made effort to go for a chinese musical which is so not her style, just so it can be a family thing. and she made effort to come watch me perform on stage. it means a lot. but it's saddening that my brother is leaving in 2 days time for states for 4 years, and i am unable to send him off cos i'll be flying off again tmr.

only consoling thing, i'll be flying to LA to find my brother and mom next week... and hopefully every month in future... cos i'll really really miss my little brother.. missing him already.

"吃醋是因为我喜欢你，生气是因为我在乎你，发呆是因为我想你，伤心只是因为我不想失去你。是不是等我 离开了，你才会感动？如果真的到了那样的一天，我还是希望你有一点点的难过，一点点的失落，一点点的 想我，只要有一点点关于我的记忆就好，真的只要一点点就好。"

was going through my documents in my comp, and came across this doc called "unspoken thoughts". opened it, and realized it was a document that has all my thoughts penned down whenever i was feeling down, a few months back.

the phrase above was one of my many thoughts... and looking back, though it felt bitter at that point of time, it somehow puts a smile on my face. i guess the smile means, i'm glad i had that memory.