Third post of the year, and this time w a lot more emotions and thoughts in my mind.

I just got back from a yoga retreat, something which I never thought I'll ever do in my life. I was never a person who was involved in sports, and all of a sudden gym, watching diet and all come into place. At first I believe it was just s self conscious act, not wanting to look bigger than I already am. But after this yoga retreat, something hit me. I begin to realize that keeping fit and all, not only works the body, but the mind as well. It's taxing on the body and mind for this whole retreat, it was so powerful that I was actually getting emotional and fighting to hold my tears back when I couldn't get the pose right. And it wasn't the pain that was causing the welling up in my eyes, but the fight between my mind and body, one wanting to just give up and another fighting to keep me going. I'm just so glad that my mind won the fight, and made me a stronger person now, physically and mentally.

There was a part of the retreat when we had a group sharing session. Everyone picks a piece of paper from a bag, each containing a negative word and we are suppose to share our experience or thoughts about the word that we got. And my word was HATE. The moment i saw the word, my tears just flow uncontrollably. I hated myself for the longest time. Hated myself for being born in a family where I didn't feel appreciated when I was younger, hated myself for who I am because of how people judge me, hated myself for being me. But I guess over time, i learn how to overcome it by being appreciative. Appreciate life as it is, appreciate the people around me, appreciate the things that I experience, and appreciate myself for being the independent, strong me that I can be.

Maybe it doesn't matter if no ones seems to understands me. Or maybe it doesn't matter if no one seems to appreciate me. Maybe it's ok to feel lonely at times. Maybe it's not so sad after all. And maybe all I need is some encouragement and a hug along the way to give me that little push in my life, to know that everything will be ok, everything will be fine. 

after 3.5 years, i finally met him again. it came as a shock to me. and i was totally unprepared for this. emotions overwhelmed me. i couldnt sleep, i couldnt eat properly, i couldnt think. all that was in my mind was memories of us back then. our happy days.

when the time came to finally meet him again proper, i was so so so nervous. my heart was beating so fast i swear it could have stopped anytime. it wasnt too bad after all, really it wasnt. in fact, it was that familiar feeling, that comfortable companion feel that i get, all over again. i really enjoyed catching up with him, and was really surprised that he could remember some of the little details about my life. it's either he has a damn good memory, if not, i hold a place in his heart, important enough for him to remember things about my life. and i chose to believe it's the latter.

i texted him, thanking him for dinner. and i got a reply. "it was nice wasnt it? be good now, till the next time. sweet dreams." and that was the last i hear from him.

i dunno wad has gotten into me, but this has affected me quite a bit. my emotions are all stirred up once again, and it makes no sense to people around me if i start to emo about him again now, besides that very day that i saw him, so my only option is to keep to myself, and share my thoughts here.

it has only been four days, but i am still so so affected. after all these years, i still chose to believe, everything happens for a reason. and right now, i really wish i knew the reason behind this. 

the year started with so many news of death... all are loved ones of my friends. all in their 20s. how vulnerable life can be. those who wanna live dun have a choice, and yet there are those who choose to end their life just like that.

i used to have this selfish thought too. i used to think, life is so meaningless, might as well be better off dead. no aim, no goal, nothing to look forward to. though i still think 早死早好 is good, i wouldnt end my life on purpose. to those people who have a group of friends they always hang out with, family who are very closely attached to each other, i envy them.

no doubt everyone around me may think that i have a lot of friends, but not being in any clique makes a lot of difference in my social life as compared to others who are. being in cliques, everyone makes an effort to gather on festive seasons, special occasions, frequent meetups, always in touch w each other. for me, i spend every xmas, every countdown, every birthday, all with different groups of people. somehow, i dun feel like i belong anywhere. i am like a "guest starring" in every clique. and "guest starring" i use is just to make it sound nice.

maybe it's the nature of my job, or maybe it's just me. sometimes i enjoy being alone, but most of the time when i say i do, i'm just saying so to convince myself it's ok to be alone. if not, days are hard to pass, life is hard to get by. being away from home all the time makes it worse.

i know there are people who might be concerned about me, and i am really thankful for them. no one will know and understand how much it means for someone like me to have friends who care. i treasure friendship, and appreciate people who knows i do. that is why it is so hard for my to reject help from my friends, even if i know i am just being used. that is why i will do all that i can and go all out for my friends, even if i know i will not be appreciated in the end. because at the end of the day, i know, even if i really lose this friend, i have done my best to salvage this friendship, conscious clear.

having said that, i believe everyone that i meet in my life cross my path for a reason, one way or another. because i believe, everything happens for a reason, and this belief and faith will help me stay strong.