It has been a whole different feeling and experience I've gone through for the past 2 months...

I met someone new, and that changed my life. He made me feel nothing like I've felt before. He made me feel I'm important, I'm beautiful, i'm wanted, I'm worthy to be loved and most importantly, I can totally be myself when I'm with him.

But things are complicated.. And many many things seems to be obstacles in front of us, his ex gf, my job, but the most crucial obstacle was actually my own heart. It's irritating when I get insecure for nothing... And it has really taken a toll on me for a few days..

But I overcame it. I told myself, I really wanna make this work, and with my job, it doesn't help at all to be thinking too much all the time. And I told myself, he'll appreciate the trust I put in him..

So, I feel different now that I cleared the stupid irritating feeling in me. I feel a lot more optimistic, that things will work out between us.

Some may say, we got together too fast. To me, given another chance, i'd still take the same route and choose to be with him. Why? I dun regret my decision at all, cos if we din get together then, we might never have gotten together, and I may never know how much I can give in a relationship, and I may never know how much I can gain out of one too..

Really thankful I've met him, thankful that he came into my life, even though it's in such an unexpected way, but it's definitely a challenge for me to do my best to fight for my future.. And fight for the one I want, and I need.

"就是这种无所谓对自己很随便的态度，才会让别人把自己很随便的给糟蹋掉，变成一个可有可无的朋友."

one of my friend said that to me.. and i wonder: is it really me? being easy on the things i eat, the things i wear, the things we do... main aim is just to please the majority.. it's not that i dun have a mind of my own, i just want to please everybody..

oh well, no point trying to explain why i'm easy with things right? if my friends are my friends, they'll accept me for who i am.

went to watch a movie tonight w ah jo... really thankful for her company... movie has never really been my thing... until i met my first bf... he loves to watch movies.. and the channel is almost always tuned to HBO or star movie when he's in china.. and in sg, he'll always pull me along to watch movies.. then slowly, i began to love watching movie. i began to love the feeling of being in the dark, cos no one can see u cry, no one will care if u have something on ur face, no one will scrutinize u...

then, after the breakup, i lost touch w the movie world. i lock myself in my little world, retreat to my little shell.. and was there till i met someone who inspired me.

and then i begin to start watching movie again with this special friend. and the feeling came back. the comfortable, warm feeling of having someone u are used to sitting next to u in the cinema.. until this special friend begin to drift away, just like many other friends of mine.

slowly but surely, i seem to be falling back into my little world, my little shell... thank god for the few friends who are still standing by me.. for the few friends who still cares.

i guess music is really a tool that brings one's mood to the extreme.. u can be super high w music, and yet be super emo too.. and for me, emo always seems to supersede the other extreme.

the song i submitted for competition didn't get into finals.. as expected. and somehow, with that failure, everything else doesn't seem to be going smoothly for me too.. i mean, i'm happy enough that my song got into semi finals, considering the fact that i'm really new to all this song writing stuff.. and i'm really happy some of my friends are there to support me and give me the encouragement before, during and after the competition. something someone with super low self-esteem like me needs badly.

just when i thought things are changing for the better, i realise it may not be what i expected it to be.. i have found my passion in music, learning more about song writing with my song writer friends and self learning guitar.. the self satisfaction when i finish writing a song, filling in the lyrics, singing it over and over again to myself, in front of the mirror, singing it to my friends, getting their comments on my song.. the whole process is just so self satisfying.. and so fulfilling.

but, nothing is perfect, particularly life. just when i thought i found a friend who may be the inspiration of my life, which he still is, somehow it just seems like all direct connections are lost, and i'm left hanging on my own again. i lost the enthusiasm i had when i first got inspired by him, and i lost the drive to do things.

it's just sad that friends come and go in ur life, and u will never which are the friends that will stay with u forever in life. some of them might be people that u just brush pass everyday, or dun like at the very first sight, or may be really close for the first 6 months of ur friendship.. nevertheless, i always believe in treating ur friends wholeheartedly. i go all out for my friends, not knowing if they will be the ones that will stay as my friends forever, but i'll rather do my best in maintaining the friendship than risking the chance of losing them as a life long friend.

friends forever, people always say. but, does it really happen? i wonder.

it's been quite a while since my last post.. wad have i been doing?

pretty much the same routine.. flying.. roaming the world alone.. and when i'm back in sg i practice my guitar, write songs, hang out at hood, and gym out once a while.. not forgetting the occasional meetups with my dear friends and colleagues..

i think it's really amazing when u found something in life to focus on, and to look forward to. my friend encouraged me to send my song in for competition, and so i've been spending time working on it with my arranger, recording demo.. and in the meantime, writing new songs as well.. and with all the things that's going on, i made new friends and i'm really loving my life now as compared to my life 8 months ago before i picked up guitar..

after my last relationship, i was living in a state of emo almost every other day.. i hate to stay in singapore, always feeling lonely overseas, hate to come back to an empty home. hate to always have my friends telling me they are too tired or not free to meet me..

but it's different now.. i can be on my own overseas and not feeling lonely, cos i know when i get back to sg, i have things to do, people who will look me up and ask me out.. people who will be concern about me when i post things up on fb.. people who will care if i'm down or happy, if i'm in sg or overseas.

i like my life now, i love the people around me, and i love the new friends i met in the past month. and i really gotta thank music for pulling me up, and making me positive again.

today is valentine's day.. so HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY to one and all...

before i was attached, valentine's day to me was more of friendship day.. spent it with single friends, close friends, best friend.

when i was attached, valentine's day was a normal day to me. he was always away working, so we made a pact to disregard any special occasions like xmas day, new yr day, and of course, valentine's day.

after i was attached, i.e. when i'm back to being single, i felt a bit lost. this is the 2nd valentine's day after my relationship with my ex, and still i'm lost. main reason is: i'm still single.

last yr i was away working.. so it felt like any other normal working day.. away from home, away from friends, away from life. this yr i'm around in sg, with majority of my friends attached, or have plans.. makes me feel a bit sad that i'm single.

ironically, i really enjoy singlehood.. i like to be able to stay out late, to be able to hang out with friends i wanna hang out with, to be able to concentrate on being with my friends when i'm out.. i like to be able to make friends with who i want to, and i like to hang out with people that makes me happy.

so to count my blessings, as long as i have people around me to keep me company and walk me through my single life, and make me happy with their company, i believe i should be able to tide through singlehood and handle this complicated feeling that keeps lingering in me almost every other day..

to all lovers in the world, treasure wad u have..

to all singles in the world, treasure wad u have as well..

whether or not u are single or attached, there are its pros and cons, ups and downs. and so, i believe,

all things happen for a reason.. cheers.

a new year, a new post. i've been busy since the beginning of the year, and i only got time to settle down now. i've been on long flights, and meeting up with friends, brother's commission parade, etc etc..

i've been drinking a lot, even before the month ended. maybe cos drinking makes me thirsty and i drink alot of liquid to begin with. but the important thing that really matters to me most is the company. sometimes even without any conversation, the company is good enough for me to enjoy myself and be thankful i have these people around me to keep me company.

however tired i feel, i'll never forgo a chance to be able to spend time with my friends, cos to me, every friend is a treasure to me. if someone ask me out, i'll definitely try and make time for him or her. to me, that's my way of keeping in contact with each other, getting to know each other better, and maintaining the friendship with each other's company. i treasure that, a lot.

something new i've found out about myself this year: i'm a poor conversation starter. and i think a lot, but i talk very little. some people may beg to differ, but that's only cos i talk crap and rubbish to lift up the mood in a gathering with close friends. but if u really know me well, i'm a real quiet person. i love to people watch, and appreciate the people around me while other people talk.

i love my friends, old friends, new friends, i love them all.

here i am again... with lots of thoughts in my mind, with lots of things to be thankful for...

i'm thankful for crew friends like Min, Wendy, Joni... these are the people i never thought i'll be friends with. honestly speaking, i never thought i'll make friends with my colleagues.. maybe just acquaintances whom u'll find peace when flying with them again, but not the ones whom u'll hang out and meet up after flights, and even change flights to work with them... i enjoy their company, enjoy the kind of security i get when i'm with them.. i like it when i can be myself in front of them, and i dun need to care about wad they think of me... thanks gals.. u're all my angels...

i'm thankful for Shernelle... if not for her, i'll not be able to get through my uni days smoothly and with ease... if not for her, i guess i'll take longer to get through the breakup.. i felt sad when i heard she'll be leaving for shanghai to work for a year. though i dun meet her much after uni, she's considered my only uni friend, and i appreciate that she's been there to be my listening ear and a friend to me.. now that she's in shanghai, u'll never be able to imagine the joy in me and the excitement in me when i made a trip to shanghai, met her, and even a simple dinner made me feel so happy.. to be able to meet her in shanghai, to know that she's doing good and well, to know that i can visit her regularly and be there for her once in a while when she misses home.. love u too shernelle...

i'm thankful for my poly friends.. it's amazing how i only got close to them after my poly days... and though we've all began the next phase of our life, and all too busy to meet as often as we used to, i choose to believe that deep in everyone of our hearts, we still care a lot for each other, never forgetting about each other... just that the society we live in groomed us to be less expressive of our feelings, most of us tend to think that we've been forgotten, we've been neglected, we've all alone. i'm guilty of that, and even now, i'll still feel the same way at times.. nevertheless, thanks to all who's been there for me, will always be there for me, and appreciate me for who i am...

i'm thankful for all the new friends i've made.. i dun normally make friends easily.. i'm more conservative, more restraint to myself, and i dun trust people easily to begin with, thus it's harder for me to make friends. thus, i'm thankful i've met eric and martin, and through them i know many other new friends.. which opened up my social circle, and thanks to them, i'm slowly walking out of my shell... slowly learning to love myself more, and to enjoy life more...

last but not least.. i'm thankful for my family.. blood is thicker than water, and that's really well said.. though i may not seem to be close to my family, deep inside, i love them very much.. my father who seldom speaks at home will find chance to ask me about my work and life, and will always try his best to send me and pick me from work.. my mom who nags a lot, but still looks after the family well and whenever she talks about something she feels about the family and herself, the teary eyes touches me always.. she'll do random things like giving me a hug or a kiss out of nowhere.. my sis who has moved out.. and though we've never been close, i always long for a day when we can both go shopping, go karaoke, go drinking, and hang out together as sisters.. not forgetting my beloved brother.. to ask me to forsake anything, i can, except my brother. he may not know it, but he's the most important person in my life.. now and forever, looking at how he grow from a boy to a man, how he plan for his own future, i'm really proud of him..

been having weird dreams recently, and i just felt i should express my appreciation to all that is important to me.. so here's a post dedicated to everyone that i care. in case i never make it back one of these days.. these are the people i want to thanks for creating such impact in my life.

been almost a month since the last post... i've been doing well these days... occupying myself with work, gym, guitar, friends, and night life...

yap... i've been in the mood for drinks recently... and ever since i met eric, i begin to enjoy drinking in places like pubs... especially the live band pub that eric brought me to once... i enjoy music, enjoy drinking, enjoy immersing myself in the atmosphere...

went to a club yesterday with eric... something different and new to me.. cos i visit pubs most of the time... music is great.. but i still prefer pubs...

most people ask, 'why you so emo? why keep going drinking?' to me, drinking can be a form of enjoyment, can also be a form of stress release... so to me, it's a good thing. at least better than me cooping up alone at home and facing the wall all day right?

i'm contented that i have friends who still take time to meet me, who still cares about me.. i'm contented that i met new people, which means new injections of friends and new activities for me...

besides being busy with my own personal activities, i was also busy helping my girlfriend for her wedding preparations... despite the things to be done, i enjoy every minute of it.. i believe that as long as i put in my fair share of effort in everything i do and giving my best to all my friends, my conscience is clear. i dun owe anyone any explanation, and i will be happy too..

and i need to emphasize this again: things do happen for a reason... i lost my blackberry in shanghai, but the good thing that happened, i got the company of clement and his friend..

i lost a lot a sleeping time.. but the good side to it: i got to spend time with my friends, and enjoy myself..

and last night when i was at the club.. i suddenly thought of clifton, my friend who had passed away.. i dunno why, but he just came to my mind.. and then i thought to myself, maybe he was trying to tell me to be happy and enjoy myself while i can...

and i did.

things do happen for a reason...

On the way to Taipei, on the train from Kaohsiung… it’s been a month full of ups and downs… but fulfilling at the same time.. I feel like I can really let go of things, move on, and start afresh all over again. I’m sure that’s wad my friends have been looking forward to, especially those who are genuinely concern about me.

Where shall I start… maybe from the Beijing trip… I met a famous Singaporean guitarist/ songwriter/ producer/ song arranger. He’s Eric 黄韵仁… he was in Beijing playing for Wakin 周华健’s china tour concert, and Beijing happens to be his first stop… and our paths crossed. Together with him was martin, the drummer, and with me was Joni, who used to be a Malaysian Idol contestant. In one way or another, Eric gave me the inspiration to do what I’ve always wanted to do: learn a musical instrument… and I did. I took up guitar lessons from Tobias. He was shocked to hear from me and surprised that I was anxious to learn it fast. I’m sure Eric was a great motivation, but there was something else that pushed me to do so, something that I can’t explain.

I was also more active at gym. I got my couz’s personal trainer to guide me at gym, and through him, I found myself pushing myself to the limit, and really working out till I sweat. One point to note: I NEVER have droplets of sweat dripping from my head ever before, but under his supervision, I did. I realize I could actually do things I never thought I could. And it was a real sense of achievement. Same goes for the guitar learning. My brother lend me his ‘antique’ classical guitar, and he guided me along as I tried to play a few songs. Cool.

I became happier, happier with myself, happier with my life, and learn to enjoy the little perks of life more. I became more appreciative of things and people around me, particularly the things that happen in my life.

People say things happen for a reason, and I really begin to understand that. Why I was with Nicholas, why we broke up, why I had to go through the heart-breaking breakup process, why I met Eric, why I pick up guitar, why I begin working out, why I’m where I am now. With an open heart, I smile when I know I’m fortunate enough to be travelling, to meet people like Eric, to know how to sing, to be able to do things I never thought I can.

I begin looking at life in a better and happier perspective. I begin to think less of negative stuff, if not, not think about them at all. I used to think: I’m not a good friend, that’s why people around me dun stay with me. But now, I start to think: I am who I am, conscious clear, and people will be friend with me if they want to. I’m not afraid of having little friends, cos I know I can survive on my own, and there are still people whom I can count on.

Music is really a powerful tool. Whenever and wherever I go, I have to have music. It brightens up my mood when I’m down, and even when the playlist is on emo songs, I’ll smile and immerse myself in the melody.

And that’s what I’ll do, smile. Cos things do happen for a reason.

after putting down the big stone in my heart, i began to open myself up a little... i went out with one of my HM senior, agreed and went out with my batchgal and her friends... one of which is someone she wanna matchmake me to... and later, i'll be going out with a colleague...

on the flight, there were two stewards who were trying on me.. funnily, tryers only try me after the breakup...

feeling all flattered by all the attention i get from guys, i sometimes feel it's probably just becos i'm single that makes me more attractive...

honestly, i thought i'll let loose and give in... but surprisingly, rejection seems to happen more frequently than ever... i thought about it... and came to a conclusion: maybe, just maybe, i'm still not over him.

it's been long.. really long... by now, i confirm there's no one reading this blog anymore... and this blog is gonna be a place i share my emotions... this blog is going to be my friend all over again... the friend that i can talk to everywhere i go, at anytime, and will always be my listening ear.. when i'm happy, and sad...

i've already stop blogging in livejournal... stop blogging about him, stop blogging about my daily feelings about him after the breakup... i guess this time, i've really let it go. this time, i'm not just consoling myself and deceiving myself... this time, i really feel i'm ready to move on...

i do feel relieved... but at the same time, a little lost. it seems as though i've lost my sense of direction in life. i used to still use him as my motivation, and i can still get through life with him in my mind.. now that i'm forcing him out of my mind, it's tough to get going...

never imagine myself to blog here again. but yap. here i am.

this has been a dead blog for so long, i guess no one's reading this anymore.

i'm doing good, with a degree, and an AMORE package, and single.

we've been apart for 319 days as of today, and not in contact. currently, i'm not sad that it's over. i'm just sad that he doesn't contact me anymore, and i lost a friend. i thought only couples who ended the relationship badly will stop all contacts, but why is it so for me?

been doing a lot of self reflection lately, and i realise that no one will pity me even if i continue dwelling on the past. probably took me a little too long to realise that isn't it?

this has been a huge knot in my heart, cos i feel that it has not been totally resolved, since he's not really talking to me. but, i'm really fine. just not as jovial as i was when i was with him. that's all.

时间到了　
感情冻了　
而我　听妳唱歌　
唱著分开也该能快乐
妳的笑我瞭解　
我只是綁住妳的蝴蝶结

让妳走了　
想妳快乐　
Oh No 怎么改了　
我们尽力愛过的情节
每个吻每一天　
愛著妳等著妳想著妳
捨不得这篇

愛情故事

I never felt nothing in the world like this before
Now I'm missing you
& I'm wishing that you would come back through my door
Why did you have to go? You could have let me know

So now I'm all alone,
you could have stayed
but you wouldnt give me a chance
With you not around it's a little bit more then i can stand
And all my tears they keep running down my face
Why did you turn away?

So why does your pride make you run and hide?
Are you that afraid of me?
But I know it's a lie what you keep inside
This is not how you wanted to be

So baby I will wait for you
Cause I don''t know what else i can do
Don't tell me I ran out of time
If it takes the rest of my life

Baby I will wait for you
If you think I'm fine it just aint true
I really need you in my life
No matter what i have to do I'll wait for you

It's been a long time since you called me
How could you forget about me
You got me feeling crazy
How can you walk away,
Everything stays the same
I just can't do it baby

What will it take to make you come back
I told you what it is & it just ain't like that
Why can't you look at me, your still in love with me
Don't leave me crying.

Baby why can't we just start over again
Get it back to the way it was
If you give me a chance I can love you right
But your telling me it wont be enough

So baby I will wait for you
Cause I don''t know what else i can do
Don't tell me I ran out of time
If it takes the rest of my life

Baby I will wait for you
If you think I'm fine it just aint true
I really need you in my life
No matter what i have to do I'll wait for you

I'll Be Waiting

u taught me how to love.. who's gonna teach me how to let go..