after all that has happened.. it's still comforting to be able to see him and help him in anyways that i can... it was great gigging with him last night.. it was my first time, and he really gave me a lot of encouragement and courage to be myself on stage and sing it out.. i like it this way.. still be able to hang out at our place, and still be able to care for him..

but of course, there are times when i'll think of him when i'm alone.. thinking of him with his gal.. but i guess that's the whole point of the choice he made.. for me to be understanding enough to be happy for him...


下雨天

下雨天了怎么办 我好想你
不敢打给你 我找不到原因
什么失眠的声音
变得好熟悉
沉默的场景 做你的代替
陪我听雨滴

期待让人越来越沉迷
谁和我一样
等不到他的谁
爱上你我总在学会
寂寞的滋味
一个人撑伞 一个人擦泪
一个人好累

怎样的雨 怎样的夜
怎样的我能让你更想念
雨要多大
天要多黑 才能够有你的体贴

其实 没有我你分不清那些
彻别 接近还能多一些
别说你会难过
别说你想改变
被爱的人不用道歉

期待让人越来越疲惫
谁和我一样
等不到他的谁
爱上你我总在学会
寂寞的滋味
一个人撑伞 一个人擦泪
一个人好累

怎样的雨 怎样的夜
怎样的我能让你更想念
雨要多大
天要多黑 才能够有你的体贴

其实 没有我你分不清那些
彻别 接近还能多一些
别说你会难过
别说你想改变
被爱的人不用道歉

怎样的雨 怎样的夜
怎样的我能让你更想念
雨要多大
天要多黑 才能够有你的体贴

其实 没有我你分不清那些
彻别 接近还能多一些
别说你会难过
别说你想改变
被爱的人不用道歉

i think the question that's asked most often is "are u ok?" and most of the time the answer to that question will be yes. but how often do we really mean it when we say yes?? for me, it's almost never true when i say i'm ok.. cos if i am, there's no need for people to ask me that question at all...

but of course, the question will always pop out out of concern.. and i appreciate the gesture from the people who ask this question.. likewise, i'll do the same for anyone around me...

i guess sometimes it may be better if i draw myself out from everything... and take a break. i've been so busy my whole life trying to make everyone around me happy... so busy being a giver, i forgotten how is it like to receive.


DISGUISE

Have you ever felt some kind of emptiness inside
You will never measure up, to those people you
Must be strong, can't show them that you're weak
Have you ever told someone something
That's far from the truth
Let them know that you're okay
Just to make them stop
All the wondering, and questions they may have

I'm okay, I really am now
Just needed some time, to figure things out
Not telling lies, I'll be honest with you
Still we don't know what's yet to come

Have you ever seen your face,
In a mirror there's a smile
But inside you're just a mess,
You feel far from good
Need to hide, 'cos they'd never understand
Have you ever had this wish, of being
Somewhere else
To let go of your disguise, all your worries too
And from that moment, then you see things clear

I'm okay, I really am now
Just needed some time, to figure things out
Not telling lies, I'll be honest with you
Still we don't know what's yet to come

Are you waiting for the day
When your pain will disappear
When you know that it's not true
What they say about you
You could not care less about the things
Surrounding you
Ignoring all the voices from the walls

I'm okay, I really am now
Just needed some time, to figure things out
Not telling lies, I'll be honest with you
Still we don't know what's yet to come
I'm okay, I really am now
Just needed some time, to figure things out
Not telling lies, I'll be honest with you
Still we don't know what's yet to come

Still we don't know what's yet to come
Still we don't know what's yet to come

really doesn't matter if i'm happy or not.. as long as the people around me are happy, that's good enough for me to live with.. everything good that happens to me in life is a bonus, and since it is, i should be counting my blessings and be happy that i can still experience all the bonuses in life... be contented with what i have, or not. cos things do happen for a reason.

no matter wad happens, i'll always be happy for u, and stand by u always...


好的事情

休息是為了走更長的路
你就是我的旅途
都是因為你 我一直漫步

想要跟你一起走到最後
但我遺失了地圖
誰給誰束縛 誰比誰辛苦
愛到深處才會領悟

好的事情 最後雖然結束
感動十分 就有十分滿足
謝謝你 是你陪我走過那些路
痛 是以後無法再給你幸福

好的事情 也許能夠重複
感動時分 就算紛紛模糊
不要哭 至少你和我記得很清楚
愛 是為彼此祝福

想要跟你一起走到最後
但我遺失了地圖
誰給誰束縛 誰比誰辛苦
愛到深處才會領悟

好的事情 最後雖然結束
感動十分 就有十分滿足
謝謝你 是你陪我走過那些路
痛 是以後無法再給你幸福

好的事情 也許能夠重複
感動時分 就算紛紛模糊
不要哭 至少你和我記得很清楚
愛 是為彼此祝福

不要哭 至少你和我記得很清楚
愛 是為彼此祝福

there's really nothing more to say. i guess this song says it all.

for u baby, from jovi.

ALWAYS

This romeo is bleeding
But you can't see his blood
It's nothing but some feelings
That this old dog kicked up

It's been raining since you left me
Now I'm drowning in the flood
You see I've always been a fighter
But without you I give up

Now I can't sing a love song
Like the way it's meant to be
Well, I guess I'm not that good anymore
But baby, that's just me

And I will love you, baby - Always
And I'll be there forever and a day - Always
I'll be there till the stars don't shine
Till the heavens burst and
The words don't rhyme
And I know when I die, you'll be on my mind
And I'll love you - Always

Now your pictures that you left behind
Are just memories of a different life
Some that made us laugh, some that made us cry
One that made you have to say goodbye
What I'd give to run my fingers through your hair
To touch your lips, to hold you near
When you say your prayers try to understand
I've made mistakes, I'm just a man

When he holds you close, when he pulls you near
When he says the words you've been needing to hear
I'll wish I was him 'cause those words are mine
To say to you till the end of time

Yeah, I will love you baby - Always
And I'll be there forever and a day - Always

If you told me to cry for you
I could
If you told me to die for you
I would
Take a look at my face
There's no price I won't pay
To say these words to you

Well, there ain't no luck
In these loaded dice
But baby if you give me just one more try
We can pack up our old dreams
And our old lives
We'll find a place where the sun still shines

And I will love you, baby - Always
And I'll be there forever and a day - Always
I'll be there till the stars don't shine
Till the heavens burst and
The words don't rhyme
And I know when I die, you'll be on my mind
And I'll love you - Always

exactly one week ago.. my happiness was put to a stop.. and till today, i'm still oblivious to where i'm heading to... but one thing for sure i know:
只要有一点不甘心，就不是到放弃的时候。
and i'm holding on to this faith and hope, so strong it overwhelms me sometimes..

i never imagine myself to pour my feelings on my blog again. i thought those days were over, i thought i'll never need to talk to my blog again. but turns out, that's not the case. so much so much thoughts that run through my head, and i'll never be able to share them with anyone else like i do in my blog.

when i'm sad or happy, i turn to music. and the lyrics to every single song i hear will make me link it back to him.. and so, i'm gonna slowly express my feelings, through songs, and i'm gonna keep the faith and hope going. stronger, firmer, and i know i can do it.

明知我愛你

告诉你 瞒着你 只不过是个决定
放弃你 忘记你 只怕我无法前进
不知道为什么会如此莫名紧张你
我越了解你 越靠近你 越犹豫

明知道我爱你 却不敢告诉你
我害怕失去你 宁愿沉默不语
该如何整理 幸福在手里
我恨自己 无能为力

明知道我爱你 却不敢靠近你
我假装不在意 反而痛了自己
多痛都可以 不能没有你
只想永远永远爱你
你知不知道我也没关系

i've been taking it easy so far... trying to lead the life i used to live before everything happened. and i realized, my life was so so lonely and depressing.. even in the past.

the routine of waking up to an empty house, watch drama, listen to music, write music, sleep. that was how i lived before i met him. and now, things are back as it is, except, my body is not cooperating well with me.

i haven't been eating well, and when i eat, my body rejects them all. i really dun wanna fall sick.. i wanna be healthy, so i can be there for him when he needs me to keep him company or to take care of him, or just to stand by him and support him.

whenever i'm overseas, i feel even more depressed. the loneliness seems to magnify with the distance away from home. cos when i'm overseas, nobody texts me, nobody chat w me, nobody to keep me company.. when i'm singapore, it's the same case, except, i can still go to the place where i know i'll find familiar faces and company..

more often than not, i'll find trails of tears by my eyes when i wake up.. i dunno if it's something or someone i dream of every night, but there's just something that triggers my tear glands every time i fall asleep alone at night. and when i wake up to an empty room, empty house, to a phone with no msges but a load of junk mail.. however bright and sunny it may be, my mood will still be down.

but, i know the sun will still rise and set.. and nobody will care if i fall ill or die.. so i'll definitely brace myself. for the sake of the people around me, the people that i care about, the people that i love the most, i'll keep myself alive and kicking, so i can protect my loved ones, and be there for my loved ones when they need me.. i'll stand tall, so my loved ones can depend on me when they have to, i'll be strong, so my loved ones can seek comfort in me when they need to...

so jovi, for the sake of the one u love, be strong.

things happened. but i still believe things happen for a reason..

i'm still holding on to the faith i believe in, and though things may not turn out the way i would like it to.. at least one party will be happy.

if i cannot be the one that make him happy, then at least i can be the one that let him go to look for his happiness out there.

i may be foolish, but i'm not stupid. i know what i'm doing, and i have my reasons for doing so. so pls, if anyone is even reading this, don't question my actions.

i'm happy i have people around me who respect that, but for people who don't understand, that's fine. cos what's most important is how i feel at the end of the day. whether or not i'll be happy at the end of the day, it doesn't matter anymore, cos at any point of time, the happiness of the people around me matters much more than myself. not cos i'm selfless, but just cos i really treasure the people around me, their care, concern and love for me.

i'm not oblivious to all. i just choose to silently let these care and concern penetrate me and make me a happier person.

i may slowly go back into my shell again, or i may put up a strong front and stand tall in front of everyone. i dunno. but what i know is, time will heal all wounds, yes it may leave a scar, but it will heal. the pain will go, the scar will remind u of the pain, but will also remind u of the good times u had before the pain.

so, embrace all that's coming ur way jovi. be it good or bad, take it all. cos it will make u grow, and be a stronger, better, and a more mature person.

It has been a whole different feeling and experience I've gone through for the past 2 months...

I met someone new, and that changed my life. He made me feel nothing like I've felt before. He made me feel I'm important, I'm beautiful, i'm wanted, I'm worthy to be loved and most importantly, I can totally be myself when I'm with him.

But things are complicated.. And many many things seems to be obstacles in front of us, his ex gf, my job, but the most crucial obstacle was actually my own heart. It's irritating when I get insecure for nothing... And it has really taken a toll on me for a few days..

But I overcame it. I told myself, I really wanna make this work, and with my job, it doesn't help at all to be thinking too much all the time. And I told myself, he'll appreciate the trust I put in him..

So, I feel different now that I cleared the stupid irritating feeling in me. I feel a lot more optimistic, that things will work out between us.

Some may say, we got together too fast. To me, given another chance, i'd still take the same route and choose to be with him. Why? I dun regret my decision at all, cos if we din get together then, we might never have gotten together, and I may never know how much I can give in a relationship, and I may never know how much I can gain out of one too..

Really thankful I've met him, thankful that he came into my life, even though it's in such an unexpected way, but it's definitely a challenge for me to do my best to fight for my future.. And fight for the one I want, and I need.

"就是这种无所谓对自己很随便的态度，才会让别人把自己很随便的给糟蹋掉，变成一个可有可无的朋友."

one of my friend said that to me.. and i wonder: is it really me? being easy on the things i eat, the things i wear, the things we do... main aim is just to please the majority.. it's not that i dun have a mind of my own, i just want to please everybody..

oh well, no point trying to explain why i'm easy with things right? if my friends are my friends, they'll accept me for who i am.

went to watch a movie tonight w ah jo... really thankful for her company... movie has never really been my thing... until i met my first bf... he loves to watch movies.. and the channel is almost always tuned to HBO or star movie when he's in china.. and in sg, he'll always pull me along to watch movies.. then slowly, i began to love watching movie. i began to love the feeling of being in the dark, cos no one can see u cry, no one will care if u have something on ur face, no one will scrutinize u...

then, after the breakup, i lost touch w the movie world. i lock myself in my little world, retreat to my little shell.. and was there till i met someone who inspired me.

and then i begin to start watching movie again with this special friend. and the feeling came back. the comfortable, warm feeling of having someone u are used to sitting next to u in the cinema.. until this special friend begin to drift away, just like many other friends of mine.

slowly but surely, i seem to be falling back into my little world, my little shell... thank god for the few friends who are still standing by me.. for the few friends who still cares.

i guess music is really a tool that brings one's mood to the extreme.. u can be super high w music, and yet be super emo too.. and for me, emo always seems to supersede the other extreme.

the song i submitted for competition didn't get into finals.. as expected. and somehow, with that failure, everything else doesn't seem to be going smoothly for me too.. i mean, i'm happy enough that my song got into semi finals, considering the fact that i'm really new to all this song writing stuff.. and i'm really happy some of my friends are there to support me and give me the encouragement before, during and after the competition. something someone with super low self-esteem like me needs badly.

just when i thought things are changing for the better, i realise it may not be what i expected it to be.. i have found my passion in music, learning more about song writing with my song writer friends and self learning guitar.. the self satisfaction when i finish writing a song, filling in the lyrics, singing it over and over again to myself, in front of the mirror, singing it to my friends, getting their comments on my song.. the whole process is just so self satisfying.. and so fulfilling.

but, nothing is perfect, particularly life. just when i thought i found a friend who may be the inspiration of my life, which he still is, somehow it just seems like all direct connections are lost, and i'm left hanging on my own again. i lost the enthusiasm i had when i first got inspired by him, and i lost the drive to do things.

it's just sad that friends come and go in ur life, and u will never which are the friends that will stay with u forever in life. some of them might be people that u just brush pass everyday, or dun like at the very first sight, or may be really close for the first 6 months of ur friendship.. nevertheless, i always believe in treating ur friends wholeheartedly. i go all out for my friends, not knowing if they will be the ones that will stay as my friends forever, but i'll rather do my best in maintaining the friendship than risking the chance of losing them as a life long friend.

friends forever, people always say. but, does it really happen? i wonder.

it's been quite a while since my last post.. wad have i been doing?

pretty much the same routine.. flying.. roaming the world alone.. and when i'm back in sg i practice my guitar, write songs, hang out at hood, and gym out once a while.. not forgetting the occasional meetups with my dear friends and colleagues..

i think it's really amazing when u found something in life to focus on, and to look forward to. my friend encouraged me to send my song in for competition, and so i've been spending time working on it with my arranger, recording demo.. and in the meantime, writing new songs as well.. and with all the things that's going on, i made new friends and i'm really loving my life now as compared to my life 8 months ago before i picked up guitar..

after my last relationship, i was living in a state of emo almost every other day.. i hate to stay in singapore, always feeling lonely overseas, hate to come back to an empty home. hate to always have my friends telling me they are too tired or not free to meet me..

but it's different now.. i can be on my own overseas and not feeling lonely, cos i know when i get back to sg, i have things to do, people who will look me up and ask me out.. people who will be concern about me when i post things up on fb.. people who will care if i'm down or happy, if i'm in sg or overseas.

i like my life now, i love the people around me, and i love the new friends i met in the past month. and i really gotta thank music for pulling me up, and making me positive again.

today is valentine's day.. so HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY to one and all...

before i was attached, valentine's day to me was more of friendship day.. spent it with single friends, close friends, best friend.

when i was attached, valentine's day was a normal day to me. he was always away working, so we made a pact to disregard any special occasions like xmas day, new yr day, and of course, valentine's day.

after i was attached, i.e. when i'm back to being single, i felt a bit lost. this is the 2nd valentine's day after my relationship with my ex, and still i'm lost. main reason is: i'm still single.

last yr i was away working.. so it felt like any other normal working day.. away from home, away from friends, away from life. this yr i'm around in sg, with majority of my friends attached, or have plans.. makes me feel a bit sad that i'm single.

ironically, i really enjoy singlehood.. i like to be able to stay out late, to be able to hang out with friends i wanna hang out with, to be able to concentrate on being with my friends when i'm out.. i like to be able to make friends with who i want to, and i like to hang out with people that makes me happy.

so to count my blessings, as long as i have people around me to keep me company and walk me through my single life, and make me happy with their company, i believe i should be able to tide through singlehood and handle this complicated feeling that keeps lingering in me almost every other day..

to all lovers in the world, treasure wad u have..

to all singles in the world, treasure wad u have as well..

whether or not u are single or attached, there are its pros and cons, ups and downs. and so, i believe,

all things happen for a reason.. cheers.

a new year, a new post. i've been busy since the beginning of the year, and i only got time to settle down now. i've been on long flights, and meeting up with friends, brother's commission parade, etc etc..

i've been drinking a lot, even before the month ended. maybe cos drinking makes me thirsty and i drink alot of liquid to begin with. but the important thing that really matters to me most is the company. sometimes even without any conversation, the company is good enough for me to enjoy myself and be thankful i have these people around me to keep me company.

however tired i feel, i'll never forgo a chance to be able to spend time with my friends, cos to me, every friend is a treasure to me. if someone ask me out, i'll definitely try and make time for him or her. to me, that's my way of keeping in contact with each other, getting to know each other better, and maintaining the friendship with each other's company. i treasure that, a lot.

something new i've found out about myself this year: i'm a poor conversation starter. and i think a lot, but i talk very little. some people may beg to differ, but that's only cos i talk crap and rubbish to lift up the mood in a gathering with close friends. but if u really know me well, i'm a real quiet person. i love to people watch, and appreciate the people around me while other people talk.

i love my friends, old friends, new friends, i love them all.

here i am again... with lots of thoughts in my mind, with lots of things to be thankful for...

i'm thankful for crew friends like Min, Wendy, Joni... these are the people i never thought i'll be friends with. honestly speaking, i never thought i'll make friends with my colleagues.. maybe just acquaintances whom u'll find peace when flying with them again, but not the ones whom u'll hang out and meet up after flights, and even change flights to work with them... i enjoy their company, enjoy the kind of security i get when i'm with them.. i like it when i can be myself in front of them, and i dun need to care about wad they think of me... thanks gals.. u're all my angels...

i'm thankful for Shernelle... if not for her, i'll not be able to get through my uni days smoothly and with ease... if not for her, i guess i'll take longer to get through the breakup.. i felt sad when i heard she'll be leaving for shanghai to work for a year. though i dun meet her much after uni, she's considered my only uni friend, and i appreciate that she's been there to be my listening ear and a friend to me.. now that she's in shanghai, u'll never be able to imagine the joy in me and the excitement in me when i made a trip to shanghai, met her, and even a simple dinner made me feel so happy.. to be able to meet her in shanghai, to know that she's doing good and well, to know that i can visit her regularly and be there for her once in a while when she misses home.. love u too shernelle...

i'm thankful for my poly friends.. it's amazing how i only got close to them after my poly days... and though we've all began the next phase of our life, and all too busy to meet as often as we used to, i choose to believe that deep in everyone of our hearts, we still care a lot for each other, never forgetting about each other... just that the society we live in groomed us to be less expressive of our feelings, most of us tend to think that we've been forgotten, we've been neglected, we've all alone. i'm guilty of that, and even now, i'll still feel the same way at times.. nevertheless, thanks to all who's been there for me, will always be there for me, and appreciate me for who i am...

i'm thankful for all the new friends i've made.. i dun normally make friends easily.. i'm more conservative, more restraint to myself, and i dun trust people easily to begin with, thus it's harder for me to make friends. thus, i'm thankful i've met eric and martin, and through them i know many other new friends.. which opened up my social circle, and thanks to them, i'm slowly walking out of my shell... slowly learning to love myself more, and to enjoy life more...

last but not least.. i'm thankful for my family.. blood is thicker than water, and that's really well said.. though i may not seem to be close to my family, deep inside, i love them very much.. my father who seldom speaks at home will find chance to ask me about my work and life, and will always try his best to send me and pick me from work.. my mom who nags a lot, but still looks after the family well and whenever she talks about something she feels about the family and herself, the teary eyes touches me always.. she'll do random things like giving me a hug or a kiss out of nowhere.. my sis who has moved out.. and though we've never been close, i always long for a day when we can both go shopping, go karaoke, go drinking, and hang out together as sisters.. not forgetting my beloved brother.. to ask me to forsake anything, i can, except my brother. he may not know it, but he's the most important person in my life.. now and forever, looking at how he grow from a boy to a man, how he plan for his own future, i'm really proud of him..

been having weird dreams recently, and i just felt i should express my appreciation to all that is important to me.. so here's a post dedicated to everyone that i care. in case i never make it back one of these days.. these are the people i want to thanks for creating such impact in my life.

been almost a month since the last post... i've been doing well these days... occupying myself with work, gym, guitar, friends, and night life...

yap... i've been in the mood for drinks recently... and ever since i met eric, i begin to enjoy drinking in places like pubs... especially the live band pub that eric brought me to once... i enjoy music, enjoy drinking, enjoy immersing myself in the atmosphere...

went to a club yesterday with eric... something different and new to me.. cos i visit pubs most of the time... music is great.. but i still prefer pubs...

most people ask, 'why you so emo? why keep going drinking?' to me, drinking can be a form of enjoyment, can also be a form of stress release... so to me, it's a good thing. at least better than me cooping up alone at home and facing the wall all day right?

i'm contented that i have friends who still take time to meet me, who still cares about me.. i'm contented that i met new people, which means new injections of friends and new activities for me...

besides being busy with my own personal activities, i was also busy helping my girlfriend for her wedding preparations... despite the things to be done, i enjoy every minute of it.. i believe that as long as i put in my fair share of effort in everything i do and giving my best to all my friends, my conscience is clear. i dun owe anyone any explanation, and i will be happy too..

and i need to emphasize this again: things do happen for a reason... i lost my blackberry in shanghai, but the good thing that happened, i got the company of clement and his friend..

i lost a lot a sleeping time.. but the good side to it: i got to spend time with my friends, and enjoy myself..

and last night when i was at the club.. i suddenly thought of clifton, my friend who had passed away.. i dunno why, but he just came to my mind.. and then i thought to myself, maybe he was trying to tell me to be happy and enjoy myself while i can...

and i did.

things do happen for a reason...