he left le... this morning.. and it was raining... had a last min date with yixiu yesterday night... suddenly felt i need to talk so asked her out.. had a nice talk over pasta mania and talk until butt pain... (cos we were sitting on the super hard thing)..

things going through my mind again.. as i'm waiting for my meeting to start... more than half of IG has invaded lab 9!!!

i am here!!!!!!!!!!!!!! y u go out with xiu xiu nv ask me go?!?!??!!? bOO* -i am jealous liao- zibistar...

sly and avril are here too.... hui yi got two super stars with her.. OMG! haha going for some performance at biz park.. see ya.. sly: *wink wink* with that super cute smile...
___________________________________________________________________

just got back from meeting in school.. planning to go MIA soon.. but i'm glad that xiuwen got a project of her own to prove herself.. and crystal and mich got the project that they wanted.. very happy for everyone who got a project on hand and looking forward to making their project a success, and very happy for ICs who have just finished their project successfully.. all the best to all...

although the feeling of dejected and disappointed, but nevertheless, these are the feelings that has always been around in my life so not surprising to feel this way.. i did something i've nv done before in my whole life, and i'm feeling the way i am that i've nv experienced before in my whole life.. it's all rushing to me in such a short time, all at one time, i'm a bit lost as to how to handle my feelings..

school work is fine for me so far.. it's just the other commitments that i really put my heart and soul into it.. things are just not turning out to be how i expected it to be.. i've already accepted fate, this is the way it is, nothing can be changed and this is it.

finally, after close to 2 months, the HE is finally responding to me again.. but only when i behave in a way that i myself dun even understand why...

am i thinking too much? or am i not thinking? i seem to be doubting every single thing i do and action that i make.. i want to do things, but confidence is not coming my way..

seriously, there's no point in ppl looking out for me cos in the first place, it's not worth it. that's it. i'm trying to change. and for goodness sake, give me time. i'll try, and i'm trying. dun push me too hard. i'll collapse, and who knows? maybe right in front of you..

after lesson at 5, rush to 1st level, got onto dad's car, drove home, waited for rain to be less heavy, reached home by 530, and got scolded for not going to the salon to blow my hair before coming up. need to change to formal, put on makeup, tidy up, and we left at 555. if i got salon and come up do u tihnk we'd even leave my 555? i think 666 also cannoy leave yet.. ass...

reach the studio, the old man took so long to get everything settled.. and she kept messing my hair.. and still say"keep it natural". ass.. and the stupid old man wants me to stand in a super super awkward position and still say that i'm not natural.. i AM not natural, and i told him off "i dun wanna stand like that". ass.. super irritating.. made us smile for more than 5 never-ending mins and then still say we were not smiling.. and even use the kiddy toy to make us smile.. childish..

feeling so sick.. with fever and cold and cough.. and no one at home believes.. ass.. still haven finish POM 2nd topic.. and my project research.. hope the sickness will go away by tml.. still wanna enjoy the last days of 2004...

P.S. one good thing about today is that i took pic with daddy!! =) love ya loads..

dad's back!!! miss him so much man.. but when i came home he's sleeping on the sofa.. feel heart pain for him.. work so hard, plus the torture of not having his family with him in indo..

it's the christmas season, but i just dun feel it. went to k box today with crystal.. and she left the room quite a few times to make phone calls, leaving me alone in the room with the songs that mostly made me seriously run through the lyrics word by word and making relate the songs to every possible things that has happened to me.. and it kinda makes me feel sad.. some of the songs that i sang really tallies well with what i'm feel at this point of time... is it the age?

my house if full of antiques, i can now set up a stall and prepare for an auction to take place... amazing how these things can be found after so many years so much have been found.. but not so sure if there real or not in the first place... but if it is... hehe..

words from people are making me think twice about things, or, a thing.. and everybody is saying the same thing.. but.. i can't make up my mind... memories fade, so do friendship if not sustained.. is that what's happening now? i'm lost..

merry christmas to all who have the christmas mood in them.
to all who doesn't, good night.

packed. that's the word to describe my life now.. packed with IG events, with work at waraku, with project meetings, with IG meetings, with my homework, with everything. you name it, that's it.

christmas is around the corner and as usual, the christmasy atmosphere is not getting into me.. every year since sec 2 my christmas is spent alone working. before that, it's christmas alone at home while everyone is out. sucky. guess this year is another lonely christmas.. damn, i hate the thought of it.. but.. i'm getting so used to it that i might forget christmas on the years to come.. gosh.. that's scary..

going through POM notes.. 'wad's your mission statement? wad's your goal?' i've been thinking about it.. but no ans to the qns...

almost every night if i get to sleep, i'll have the same dream all the time, and that is someone jumping down a building.. vision was blur.. couldn't see the person's face, but the person was wearing my TKGS green uniform... green and the red(blood).. does it matches well for christmas?? sucks.

hey.. i'm currently blogging at a place that i maybe should call my 2nd home... yap.. guess the place for yourself man.. got limited time to blog this but before this was super tiring for me.. spent the earlier part of the night preparing the candy canes for next week's giving session.. and we came out with the thinking that we'd have graduated from the diploma of candy canes LOM(logistics management)... haha.. so pro at tying candy canes to cards that i have the record of tying two in one minute... pro right...

haha.. now i'm currently on my major project with xiuwen.. that's called 'mission possible'.. and it's realy possible co although i lost my ez-link card that's suppose to bring me around the 'world'.. i still manage to survive...yeah!! our project wil officially end tml night so... good luck to us in completing our mission!!!!yeah!!!

candy cane project can be considered a super success.. exceeded our target by a lot... din get any cards or candy canes for anyone cos i thought that it's a sad phase of my life at this point of time and i wouldn't want to pass the sadness to the people around me... so.. i'll be burying myself in work on christmas eve and christmas the whole day..

had a so called 'thrashing' session with some of the IG members yesterday and today.. was really glad to be able to voice out what's in my mind.. and i got to noe how the people think of me in terms of first impression... somehow i feel that i am not performing as well as i expected myself to perform in the IG so far..

really felt very attached to IG all of a sudden after the orientation and the candy cane project.. i mean... i was nv close to nelson and sha.. and after these projects, i can actually talk to nelson about almost anything under the sun and i can even open up to the sha that i once dun dare to talk to... seriously grateful for these group of people that made a difference in my life.. throughout the whole week, i was suppose to be on booth duty only on wed from 4-6pm.. but almost everyday.. i'll come down when the booth opens and stays till the booth closes.. and even in btw lessons, i'll go straight down to the booth w/o having my lunch or at the expense of not having lunch with my classmates... and everytime i'm at the booth.. i feel at home.. i feel super comfortable with the people around me.. i feel like i have a family in school that i can turn to.. and i'm seriously thankful that i'm in the IG.. things happen, conflicts occur.. but i believe we are still a big family..

was quite shocked when i noe that ppl's first impression of me was actually i din had sleep for almost a week or so... haha.. or that i looked shagged.. and also being pessimistic.. that i seriously can't help.. i mean.. it's due to the environment... it's seriously hard to change.. and i think that it's getting worse... i can't seem to clique with any group.. or i can't seem to fit into any group.. i feel left out if the topic is not to my knowledge.. and i'll be lost in my own world.. and that's the sad thing: being a loner when there are ppl around me actually...

HTB orientation is over.. good and bad things happened.. wun wanna go into the details.. but i had fun dancing, walking in the rain (with nelson).. took shelter from the rain under the bridge (with nelson), interacting with some of the students and of course, the activities planned for the finale. here, i wanna thank all the mentors and IG members for all that you've done for this event.. think i haven been doing my job as a mentor Ic, but in the first place i dun even know my own role as that.. so i'm actually nothing.

felt really sucky about things so decided not to go home and went ktv with crystal after the event.. we were really tired, but i guess singing is a source of stress relief for the both of us.. although we were worn out and our voice were cracky.. it din bother us at all.. and my cocktail was super strong then until now i haven gotten over the hangover from it yet... crystal's cocktail taste nicer and more diluted so i guess she's feeling better than me..

worked from 12-10 today.. 2 hrs break was trying to do some of my tutorial and caught some sleep in one of the rooms in the restaurant.. =) i wun mind renting the room from my manager to stay there forever man.. the place has all that i need.. a lamp, a table, a power point... cushion.. wad more can i ask for man...

actually wad i want is very simple.. but sometimes it just seem so hard to achieve... i do things wholeheartedly.. i take things seriously.. i do my best to produce the best.. but things that i do are oftne not appreciated.. life itself is making me lose hope in life..

+ INVADER ALERT+

this is yixiu blogging from the comfort of the lab in school... hee... =>

+INVADER ALERT+

This is Karin who have absolutely nothing to do. I think. Wait, I think I have nothing to do. Hmm... anyway, Jovi is craaaaaaaazzzzzzyyyyyyyyyy... Nelson has been absolutely crappy, and i apologise for yanking your hair. oops. Shaidah is being hardwOrking, Not her usual self i see. hahaha. hmm, but at least she is making less noise than Nelson. Hahahaha.. ok i better run off.

+INVADER EVACUATES+


haha.. yap, my blog got invaded by the two lovely and sweet senior and friend of mine.. after i met the both of you guys, life was nv the same for me again.. got a date with my senior nxt thursday.. yeah.. looking forward to it man..

tuesday night was great.. spent it with this TK best friend.. this is the friend that really touched me.. she was those ah lian kind at the beginning of sec 3.. but i wanted to change her.. i wanted her to change her attitude to life and pushed her thru the promos exam and true enough, she passed and was promoted to sec 4. she has been writing letters to me since then telling me how much i've changed her life and how grateful she is to me.. throughout the whole yr she's been trying to meet me.. but only on tuesday did i manage to find time to meet her... love ya..

i stayed in sch till 11 plus yesterday (wed) after the meeting waiting for what, i dunno. details to it, i won't wanna talk about it on my blog. i'll just make me puke all the blood in my body and rot all the flesh on my body till i'm left with bones. think till now my blood is still boiling like mad.. wth.. to do is wrong, not to do is wrong. can God just tell me what am i suppose to do??! this whole shit thing is so discouraging to me that i feel like quitting CYA now, as in now on the spot now.. dun think i'll ever volunteer things now as willingly as i used to last time.. but as i said, sp far i've nv regreted all the decision that i made in TP and with my conscious clear, i shall bear all the blame and misunderstanding ppl have towards me and all. afterall, it's not gonna make much diff even if i spent my saliva explaining things.. just treat it as me trying to be KAYPOH.. happy?? ass..

things has really changed.. dad's not around, sis is travelling around, i dun have time to talk to bro or i should say he doesn't have the interest to listen to wat i wanna say.. bout her, i think i'm giving up.. i dun want to care about her anymore.. she can stay out for as long as she wants, she can dun bother about this family and go enjoy herself till the wee hours.. i dun care.. niwae i've already treat this place as a hostel.. so wad's the diff..

so much has happened within such a short period of time.. and this proves that time flies really fast... and i'm really thankful that i have a bunch of friends around me supporting me...

to liza: you'll always be the bestest of the best friends i have in TP..

to kai, maisie and linda: though the time we noe each other is short, but the support you guys have been giving me has way surpassed wad i expected and made me really touched.. i nv thought that anyone would be there with me while i had my meeting at the airport.. i nv thought that anyone would even bother to sms me to ask about the situation... really, guys, thanx so much so much..

many has been commenting that i've slimmed down.. my boss, marc, my pri sch friend, my TK best friend, my aunties, my cousins... i haven been on a diet, just that.. circumstances made me lose weight in one way another... wadeva.. i'm still... wadeva.. one thing's for sure: nv say life is good, cos when u say that, it'll not be good anymore..

later today i'll be starting the first lesson, first day of the 2nd sem of my 1st year in TP.. in a flash of light, TB050 and i had gone thru lots, esp. my group members and all the laughter and tears we shed together.. next sem, we'll all be in different classes.. but i believe that that would not be the factor that will bring our friendship apart.. i'll will still be the huiyi and jovi that you guys once know.. and i will still be there to listen to your problems and to share your joy with you..

had been busy with CYA admin work and my own job.. beginning to love my job more... althought internal conflicts are rising but, i just love the family there.. the whole time i'm there, i'm lost in my world of satisfaction that i get from the customers i served.. i forget all my troubles and i would be happy to do anything.. even if it is to wash the toilet or be a dishwasher and get myself all wet... plus, we got a new set of newly designed uniform, which makes us look more professional, but the material is not comfortable.. well, there's always a good and bad side to everything, including life.. i'll still continue to work during the weekdays and weekends even after school starts and hopefully God will be there to guide me and show me the light out of the dark world that i am or might have been in before.. GOD IS WONDERFUL, BECOS HIS NAME IS WONDERFUL.. thank God for all that has happened..

ever heard of the song "i hate myself for loving you"?? well, for me, i hate myself for everything.. i'm feeling so tired... both physically and mentally...

"Welcome To My Life"
Do you ever feel like breaking down?
Do you ever feel out of place?
Like somehow you just don't belong
And no one understands you
Do you ever wanna runaway?
Do you lock yourself in your room?
With the radio on turned up so loud
That no one hears you screaming
No you don't know what it's like
When nothing feels all right
You don't know what it's like
To be like me
To be hurt
To feel lost
To be left out in the dark
To be kicked when you're down
To feel like you've been pushed around
To be on the edge of breaking down
And no one's there to save you
No you don't know what it's like
Welcome to my life
Do you wanna be somebody else?
Are you sick of feeling so left out?
Are you desperate to find something more?
Before your life is over
Are you stuck inside a world you hate?
Are you sick of everyone around?
With their big fake smiles and stupid lies
While deep inside you're bleeding
No you don't know what it's like
When nothing feels all right
You don't know what it's like
To be like me
To be hurt
To feel lost
To be left out in the dark
To be kicked when you're down
To feel like you've been pushed around
To be on the edge of breaking down
And no one's there to save you
No you don't know what it's like
Welcome to my life
No one ever lied straight to your face
No one ever stabbed you in the back
You might think I'm happy but I'm not gonna be okay
Everybody always gave you what you wanted
Never had to work it was always there
You don't know what it's like, what it's like
To be hurt
To feel lost
To be left out in the dark
To be kicked when you're down
To feel like you've been pushed around
To be on the edge of breaking down
And no one's there to save you
No you don't know what it's like (what it's like)
To be hurt
To feel lost
To be left out in the dark
To be kicked when you're down
To feel like you've been pushed around
To be on the edge of breaking down
And no one's there to save you
No you don't know what it's like
Welcome to my life
Welcome to my life
Welcome to my life

this song is exactly what i'm trying to convey and what i'm going through now... everytime, i'm telling u.. everytime she calls, the first thing that she always says always dampen my mood.. when i called her today, i wanted to tell her that i got interviewed by the straits times.. i wanted to share my happiness with her... but the first thing she said was why i called only then... everytime, i feel like crying after the call from her... or even when she's there to fetch me home.. the moment i got onto the car.. even before i had the chance to say anything, she start to scold me about how long she's been waiting.. this has been happening EVERYDAY... since my holidays.. i tried to change things... i tried to ask her out for shopping.. i tried to pull us closer again.. but it's not working... she's not making time for me... why can't she understand??

i wanna leave this sad place.. i wanna get away from this place that's making me cry all the time... i tried to talk to him, but he's always not willing to listen to my problems... almost every night.. i try to talk to him.. but he always give me the can't be bothered attitude.. why?? everyone seems to be busy with their own things.. why am i the only one with nothing to do, with loads of time to cry over everything?? i'm still bothered by the fact that i'm not able to go to jay chou's concert.. i thought by going i can at least cheer myself up and have something to look forward to... but.. too bad... god just doesn't wanna give me this chance... it's my life.. wad more can i say... i'm tired... really tired...

he went back to indo le... wad can i say.. CGH's nurses have no manners at all... how can scold that old patient when they didn't tighten the urine bag... how can they scold him for not being able to make it for the appointment that they scheduled for him without even asking if he is free... spoil my whole impression of CGH...

fell sick on fri.. vomit + runs... tried to keep myself occupied these few days... on monday, went out with this yr 2 gal that i met during the 1st day of orientation.. when she surveyed me... then became friends... today, went out with liza!!! the feeling is just so nice... being able to just have a company.. had so much to fill each other in about that we don't know where to start.. went to visit alison and siok at work... even though there may be so quiet moments between us, it's just nice to know that although it's quiet, there's someone there for you... thanx liza... u made my day..

read my tagboard just now... thanx ming.. din know u actually read my blog too.. =) from my blog, i've come to realise that although no one seems to give a damn about what has been happening to me, but, there are ppl that actually bother to read my post and express their concerns thru tagboard... so i wanna take this opportunity to thank all those that has tagged at my tagboard.. and giving me the encouragement and courage to go on.. letting me know that i'm not all alone afterall... allowing me to feel the warmth that's around me... thanks.

i'm feeling so confused.. i should have known.. he looked so uncomfortable yesterday.. he said he got headache... no wonder he came home early yesterday... he wasn't feeling well, but he still gotta try to smile to her friends.. still gotta fetch us around..

seeing him lay on the hospital bed, my heart just melted.. i couldn't even say much before i even broke down.. but of course not in front of him.. i hide.. hide my tears away from him.. for close to 5 mins.. i can't keep my tears from flowing... why.. what has happened to the strong and fit him that has always been in my heart..

dancing with the IG members and the mentors today is the happiest moment i have throughout this whole holidays... it's really nice to have so many people around me... even though we are not close and all.. even though i still feel lonely most of the time...

at this moment, i dun feel like doing anything.. dun feel like asking for anything.. all i ask for is for him to get well soon... i want him to be the same him a few years ago... i want him the way he was when he brought be to malaysia.. when he brought me to swim... i want to have a meal with my family.. that's all i'm asking for now... nvm if i dun have nice clothes.. nvm if i dun have money.. nvm if i dun get to have materialistic things... i just want to have friends and my family with me... that's all... is it too much to ask for??

thanx sis, for offering to help to get jay chou concert tix.. but now, i'm still in a confused state of mind, whether to save th emoney for other uses or for this cos if i really go, i'll be going alone.. damn.. so shit.. really wanna go, got the chance but have doubts about going... wth...

colleague sylvia treat me to ajisen yesterday.. nice lady... went to support siok at her ice-cream shop too..

something is bothering me.. but, it's so hard to say anything... is it a phase of life that i have to go through? loneliness is the word.. i guess...

went to look for my ex-colleague at OG albert yesterday during my 3 hr break from work.. so nice to see linda again... she asked me about the jay chou concert.. the whole story is.. this guy A said he wanted to treat me to his concert. cannot trust him so when linda told me, i was kinda shocked and happy that i can finally go... then he sms me and ask me still got tix available for sale or not.. only not long ago.. so kinda disappointed.. i missed the one in 2003.. looks like i'm gonna miss this one too... sad.. nvm.. it's my life.. wad can i say...

yesterday was the first time i work full day at waraku.. from 12-3, 6-11.. business was slow.. not like today, so many big families come with lots of children... and was only me and mayumi... woah... tiring man... boring day.. nv got to eat dinner at some nice place with dad... hope tml or tuesday or at least before he leaves we'll get to sit down together as a family and not get that hope 'smashed' by mom's new hobby... damn...

gonna go help shawn design the layout of his sim 2 family.. tata... oh.. the guy is a business tychoon and the gal is a mayor of simcity.. haha... and she gets to work on a helicopter... cool...