accept fate, accept fact.

disappointed.

i'll still do my best.

dun worry. i'm fine.

really. i hope.

finally, i'm feeling well enough to sit up and use the computer again..

the topic of the post:

HOSPITALITY AND TOURISM MANAGEMENT DINNER AND DANCE AY04/05

for the first time in my life i had curls for my hair.. and i so cannot get used to it.. mich says it looks good on me.. but perhaps it's on ME that's why i dun feel the same way...

from the viewing of the place, to the setting up, to the preparation of the reception area, to the welcoming of the guests... my mind was going through a mixture of feelings... think the staff and managers of carlton dun like me already.. although i am part of the admin and finance comm, i sure did try to help out in wadever areas that i can.. and for some reasons.. i ended up going onto the stage for 2 times... as for the details of wad actually happens... can ask me when u see me... glad that the guests were accomodating and understanding... and for once, nelson actually look good that night!! well, so did others.. =)

went to the coffee club at somerset and slacked till 3 plus before mich and i walked barefooted to the kopitiam, together with nelson and shaidah.. mich got so many disgusting blisters on her leg... and lucky we manage to get slippers at the 7-eleven at around 3.45 in the morning!! then we bought a tub of ice cream and try to imagine that we are eating swensen's earthquake... off we go to the airport when we spotted the first bus past us and slept at the slide at the playground.. comfy...

reached home at 10 plus.. but din get to rest at all... as my mom thought i stayed at the hotel room the whole night and had gotten my rest for the night.. she sent to me my grandma's house and my auntie's house to get something for her from them.. and after i return.. waraku called.. and off i went for work.. till late at night... reached home at 12 plus.. and guess wad.. i haven slept for 43hrs since wed morning..

the puky feeling comes on and off at times.. but i feel that.. wad is disturbing me is not my sickness but my heart..

i think i'm a bad host... well, that might be because i wasn't feeling well myself... so sorry to u guys who turn up for my chalet... hope it helps to give urself a time to slack and just relax...

all thanks to mich for reminding me to bring my mini mahjong.. i think jasmine got kinda hooked up with it.. hahah... and thanks to jasmine, i found a place to buy 2 shawls for 10 bucks and thanks to shaidah for lending me her guitar cover to match the shawl.. hahah...

woke up today with a spiltting headache.. and a super sore sore throat... still went to eat mac breakfast.. and the penalty for that was.. bearing with the want-to-puke feeling all the way home, and ended up puking just as i step out of the lift, just a few steps to my doorsteps. lucky i was already prepared with an empty plastic bag and didn't dirty the place... although i'm feeling better now then i've puked out the uncomfortable feeling, i still feel feverish and all aching all over my body... super super strong feeling that i'm gonna be sick again... and very scared tml i cannot make it for the DnD...

well, i'm so superly looking forward to the DnD tml... really.. so i'll try and eat wadeva medicine that will make me feel better and make myself well by tml... things are still kinda vague.. dunno wad i'll be doing.. but.. =)

it just brightens up my day when people i know visit the place i'm working in. although they may be there to settle their meal, i always like to deceive myself and believe that they are here to show they appreciate my presence on earth. weird kinda thinking, but that's one of the ways to keep me going: to feel appreciated.

just entered waraku and saw mr yong, my sec sch assistant choir conductor. and then there's VS's choir conductor mr kwei, so i guess ms lim (my choir conductor) will be coming too.. really felt so excited to see her. although we didn't chat much, i feel good. only through her that i know that SYF has started, and i heard from her today was good..

and last thursday avril and her friends came to eat, and so coincidentally, both group of ppl sat in the same room..

went shopping for the d&d gifts with rosell and jasmine.. kinda worried that i wun fit into their conversations and i'll be kinda out of place with them at first... but i actually feel comfortable, and thank you both for trying to get my involved in watever u guys are doing or saying.. getting me excited over meatballs... =)

she said to me: everything that happens, it's all a matter of perspective. well, guess i need to work doubly hard to change my perspective of life.. also, being confident and cheerful makes one attractive.. is that true? if so, now i know why everything turns out this way...

and today, really enjoyed the jokes cracked while fagan, mich, jasmine, nick, rosell and i painted the gifts.. it's really a nice feeling to be able to work as a team, and i'm beginning to feel more into the family again, just when the main com is leaving.. gavin appeared in a funny and cute character.. i guess today is one of those hard-to-forget days... really hard to forget...

so full of mixed feelings today.. gotta take some time to sort it out..

i really wonder how am i gonna survive this holiday.. it has only been one week and i am already dying of boredom...

bored... till i actually tried playing tennis, which was my first time playing it with nelson, mahathir, shaidah and aaron.. think i picked more balls than hit them..

bored... till i can walk around the house doing nothing..

bored... till i watched all the vcds that i have on hand and start watching them one by one... and i have finished them all..

bored... till i dug out the cross stitch that i gave up a couples of years ago.. only to find that i've lost the needle and the sewing needle i used as replacement has pricked me till i gave it up again..

bored... till i actually lay on my bed for 12 whole hours doing nothing but staring at the ceiling and the windchime...

bored... till memories start flowing into my mind.. making me so full of emotions for this first week of holidays... when i cry, it's not tears of sadness but joy, joy that things that are in my memory actually happens to me... so i'm practising the act of appreciating...

bored... till when the flat was shaking, i thought it was just my stupid headache, until the water in the bottle gave away... another earthquake.. getting nearer and nearer to singapore... if u realise...

the unpleasant feeling is still in me.. and it gets worse everytime i watch those love drama.. the furthest distance is not when both are far apart, but it is when u are just beside me and i can't tell u that i love you and miss you... this is wad i saw on the dramas i've watched, and i totally understand the meaning of the phrase...

disappointment in myself...

the last day of exams for me.. the worst day of the year so far..

wanna thank nelson and sha for being there for me when i need u guys, and thanks for the companionship that you guys and your friends gave me.. really appriciated it..

becos of study week, the friendship of me and a few friends got pulled apart.. hopefully we are able to get back soon..

this semester's study week can nv be compared to the last semester's one.. although the company is great, the feeling is different..

now, i dunno wad to feel.. the emptiness in me is overwhelming, so much so that i dunno how to handle it.. the truth is finally out.. the answer that i've always wanted to know is make known to me today.. it seems kinda expected but still, i'm kinda disappointed.. i have a feeling i'm plunging into depression again.. i'm trying not to.. i'm trying to smile more, laugh more, talk more.. but when the night has come, i'm all alone again, weeping in the dark all on my own.. the feeling seems inevitable.. i'm really tired.. i dun wanna think anymore.. but, saying is always easier than doing.. i'm a coward.. i'm a coward..

2 months for me to rearrange and readapt to my life.. all this is a misunderstanding.. a beautiful misunderstanding.. i'll nv regret the times i spent in TP..

i'm sorry to all.. but please. let me be in my own world for a while.. i need some time alone..

i'm losing grip..

it's coming to the end of the semester.. today is the last thursday of the semester.. feeling kinda sad that all this is coming to the end..

thinking back on the times we spent the first semester, the holidays, the second semester, and now, you are going on to year 2s.

it's a good thing that we are all moving.. but i'll definitely miss the times with everyone, esp the year 2s who are going on their SIP next semester, plus we will be at sentosa, this batch of people will just be confined to each other...

has been going out with yixiu, nelson and shaidah a few times these 2 weeks. be it a meal, accompanying them at the lab, those are the times that will really cherish the friendship i have with them. was feeling a little down tonight while playing pool with them. with the background songs and all, i guess i was trying to get this moment instilled in my memory, and make it a never fading one. tonight might be the last time we go out together this semester, enjoying ourselves, shooting ice at each other, making fun of each other, singing together.

one thing for sure, whenever i feel lonely or bored, i know that they are there for me.. not that others are not, but the comfortable feeling with them is stronger...

DnD will go on as usual, with the instalment plan for the Year 1s to help them with the financial part.. please do support.. have a lot of disappointment in people.. i really cannot understand why they feel that way, so if u know what i'm talking about, please enlighten me..

the belongingness in the family is not there anymore.. i try my best to leave the house early, come home late, so that i'll be able to avoid her.. i've been tolerating, and i believe that by avoiding her i can lead my own life peacefully, without much interference from her.. perhaps she's going thru menopause... i dunno.. wadeva it is, i'll just keep my mouth shut and hopefully, it will please her...

cheers.. =)

movies under the stars finally ended, with a nice flow of the event.. all thanks to all Ig members that co-operated with the MUTS team... thank u guys.. and thank god that the weather was super nice that night.. the stars were beautiful.. just right for a nice and romantic night...

was tired after that night, and had to get up super early for ALP with the IG on sat morning.. the program was great, with the kind of company i had, and the kind of trust that we had in each other, and the team work we posess to overcome the difficult obstacles... ironically, the teamwork, the trust we showed in ALP cannot be found in any event that we organise.. really disppointed in the attitude of people.. gosh.. but, i must say.. i really enjoyed myself alot doing the balancing thing, the raft thing, the seesaw thing.. despite having kicked by nelson, pulling the heavy nelson up from dunno how high.. but, i really enjoyed myself.. really... =) the feeling is there, always... for i'll nv forget the times we share as one in my life...

dnd is over.. cancel.. scraped.. wateva.. and i think things could end up in a better way than this.. once again, i'm disappointed that u are this kinda person, not hearing from others, but witnessing it myself makes me lose hope in you..

i'm currently taking things in my stride, hoping that things will turn out to be the way i hope it to be.. i'm beginning to learn to let go of things, but the mind says yes, the heart says no.. so.. how?

i understand that i'm a fool. and i must admit it, in this case, i really am one..

~ personality check ~

"You are Orange Sheep,

who is quiet sort, and is a touchable person.

But you possess feminine attraction as well.

This may seem like flirting to fellow women,

and may be misunderstood by men.

You are a sociable,

but tend to keep a distance from people,

and will not show your real emotions and feelings easily.

Although you are modest,

you are a proud person as well.

You don't apologize or yield to things.

You have great tactics to make others take in your demand,

without them realizing taht they are doing so.

You are extremely good at negotiating and bargaining.

You tend to feel isolated,

and in order to overcome that loneliness,

you have lots of interests.

You have sharp eyes,

and can make your ideals come true by effectively adopting other people's expectations.

Although you lack leadership sort of action,

you have perseverance to take up any challenge.

You can also use money efficiently,

and therefore you are a shrewd shopper.

You are good at catching the heart of men.

You will be liked by different type of people.

But this may give them false idea,

and cause misunderstanding.

Although you may take men lightly,

once married,

you will become a devoted wife and a mother."

http://noracom.net/eng/fortune/color_cheki1.php

so is it true? well, the BGR part is a little wrong though.. the rest.. up to u guys to judge le..

finally finally, MOVIES UNDER THE STARS is over. the MUTS team has gone through all the planning, organising, and i must say: it is a successful event. i really cannot thank xiuwen enough for pulling so many ppl to join this event, and i'm kinda disappointed that the ppl i call friends aren't there to support me, and it is not just one or two, but the majority of my 'friends'. they say this is a time i can know who are the people that really supports me and stand by me.. and now i know, i have less than 20 odd friends. sad right? i'm glad that i have yixiu, sha and fagan to guide me along the project, telling me and reminding me of the things that i have to do.. love u guys..

this week, i've been feeling feverish and having backaches all day long.. even today when dealing with MUTS.. gosh, i think i'm falling sick soon... currently having a super major headache..

feeling super high and happy today.. finished CS test, econs portfolio, MUTS ended well, and i just love the atmosphere at the amphitheatre.. it's just so nice, that i can just imagine me in different scenes that i've always been dreaming of... the stars were nice, and when i looked at it, how i wish one of those stars will be mine...

thank you so much, i really appreciate the little moves that you did.. thanks for everything, thank you.

finally, i'm done with all presentations and major projects.. leaving me more time to think about things that i've been trying to avoid...

i realise that i'm back to the past, where i feel myself being a burden to others. just by my actions, explaining the reasons behind them to redeem myself seem to be a rather tough job for me... that's y i choose to just keep quiet..

i must admit, i treasure friendship alot, therefore taking almost every single thing that they say about me seriously. it might be a point for me to change for the better, or for me to think about. however, things said by some often hurt me without their knowledge.. i wun tell u that it hurts, cos i dun want another person to be unhappy, esp because of me..

now, i'm just super worried for movies under the stars... people that i thought would support me didn't, and on my side, response is not that good, worrying the hell out of me.. this project is xiuwen's, not mine. i played a part in helping her along the way, i dun want to see this project pulling her morale and confidence in handling projects down. she's really capable, so pls give her a chance to prove herself...

with eyes, we can choose to see what we want to see and what we dun. for example, if i dun like this person, i can pretend that she's not walking in front of me so that i dun have to talk to her. well, in this case, i'd rather be blind, for i will not be able to see people that makes me jealous and envious, and people that make me feeling so confused and happy and upset all at the same time. so, being blind is not a very bad thing actually..

tml's the city tour.. and mine's in the morning.. and i dun wanna go home before my work.. and sad to say, i can't find a friend, even a hi bye one to just hang out with me in the afternoon... just my affinity with people is really bad.. guess, i chose the wrong course.. tml, i'll be back to my lonely world..

dun worry, life is not that bad. as nic says, god is fair. and i choose to believe, for now..

it has been one week since i decided to give it up.. however the mind say to let go, the heart doesn't allow it to.. all i can say is that hopes are given and broken, but all memories will stay deep in my heart..

was really a pinch in my heart when i see the couples dining in waraku.. well.. i'm not envious, but happy for them...

projects has been driving me nuts.. multi tasking all the time.. making me superly exhausted.. plus the standing i have to do for open house on heels. all three days, i helped out at the chatroom. it's not a compulsory thing for me to be there all the time, but somehow the commitment level that i have to IG makes me wanna do it. the mind can't stop worrying about things if i'm not there..

speaking about the open house, i'm rather happy to be able to speak to juniors about my course. and also meeting people who are more enthusiastic about entering the course than i am being in this course. but i must say, this course brings me to a stage of my life where i've nv been through before.

and, i spoke to this gal who approached me, asking if i was in the banana club.. shocked and surprised, i asked her how she knows of it. and it so happens that she has the time in the world to look through her friend's friend's friend's friend's blog and read all the friend's blog that is linked to each other and read about it and went to find my friendster.. freaky that people will do such a thing but hey, banana club is famous!!

having fun is one thing, and being lonely is another.. looking at people with their partners, and looking at people with their best friend around them all the time, ya, i feel lonely. i certainly dun lack of friends, cos a lot of them say they are my friends, but i lack of a person who can be there for me almost everytime i need him or her to be there for me..

i've been feeling kinda in my own world this whole week.. i certainly hope it's not that something that is hindering me.. got my evaluation from my manager henny-san today... said that i'm ok in all aspect of the job, better than the gal that came in with me.. except the smiling part.. i know, in the service line, must always smile, cannot let personal matters affect mood... i know.. this is why i join HTM, to learn to smile..

i feel like a total idiot. walking around teh house, trying out all available coms and laptop to do my project and work. and that freakin rafflesian hogs on the good condition com playing his stupid game. immature. and i'm warning you again, STOP LOOKING DOWN ON ME!!!!!!!!! i've bear with you for a very very long time, and to think i care about you the most at home. asshole. i may be more stupid than you, more computer illiterate than you, but that doesn't give you a reason to dispise me, YOUR SISTER, you jerk@!!!

my back has been sprained for more than 2 weeks, i'm runnning a fever, i'm not feeling too good this week, but no one seem to care.. and you have to add on the problems to me. freak shit. no matter which position my body is in, my back will ache like shit. working is not s enjoyable anymore, having to bear the pain and do all the tough job, just because i'm of a bigger build.

stop making use of me, everyone. i'm really tired. i'm really disappointed that when i need someone to talk to or to console me, you are the first one to be the wet blanket, always, without fail.. i give up.

after 17 years of celebrating chinese new year, i think i can come to a conclusion: boring. it's the same procedure every year, doing the same thing, trying to be as poise, people trying to compare with each other behind their smile.. wad a hypocrite world.

i have a lot of things to do.. but i just dunno where to start from or when to set my mind to focus on the things that needs to be done.

my wishlist from very long time ago: LAPTOP. this is one thing that i've been yearning for, telling my mom about it to make her get the hint.although i offered to pay it all by myself thru instalment, it was still a no. i'm not trying to be greedy or anything, but i want to have a sense of belongingness. my whole room, practically less than 1/2 the things are mine. even the things i bring to sch, wear to sch... most of them are not mine.. somehow this might be the reason why i feel inferior to people. even people who seem less well off than me and said they wanna get something that's quite ex already got them all..

jealousy comes in again. it's funny how this word can actually spoil the friendship between people.

why is it that things are said at this point of time? it's good, i clear my misunderstanding towards certain people, got to know what certain people think of me.. but there are things that i just cannot say.. sorry... i feel guilty towards the both of you.. really sorry..

got to see another chinese family which is super different from mine.. why? why are people's family so cozy, so open and have freedom of speech, so warm, so understanding.. i really felt like crying on the car.. can someone just enlighten me on the importance of family? somehow the feeling is just not the same.. i want to feel not lonely, i dun wan to be a scary person, i want to be happy.. can u help me?

sometimes things just doesn't go our way, however hard we try to change things.. pretty glad that there might be a little improvement to this matter, and that the feeling is moving..

felt kinda helpless looking at things happening and me not being able to help.. i seriously dunno wad i can do to improve the situation.. you are not sharing ur problems with me, indulging yourself in drunkness, making a mess out of ur life..

do all who are of our age undergo such a tough time of our lives? Olympics allowed me to control my temper, allow more people to know me, broadening my circle of friends, thus achieving the purpose of being in the IG, to make friends. i'm sorry to all that i've hurt, i'm sorry..

i'm not sure since when but i've been feeling extraordinarily tired these few days.. packed with IG commitments, projects, work.. gosh.. last but not least, brain packed with that stupid matter that has been bothering me since last year..

nicholas suddenly becamemy consultant, and i'm thankful for him. thanx for being there when i need someone to give me advice on certain matters... and thanx xiu for being my listening ear, willing to spend time with me and hear me talk things out...

olympics was great.. really din expect to see someone close to me get hurt in front of me.. feeling really guilty that the first thing on my mind wasn't whether u were alright or not.. i'm so sorry..

being misunderstood really sucks.. esp when here i am trying to create a good impression of myself, there you are rubbing my wound on my heart... it hurts.. it really hurts...

being a first aider in sec and pri sch is really different from being a first aider in poly.. in my junior years, people tend to listen to me, watch me attend to the person, as i have the knowledge to all these... however here, i'm currently under a seriously huge amount of pressure. people who hold superior roles giving instructions who to attend to, how to apply the medication, plus with the limitation of supply and with only one of me.. i'm expected to be there immediately someone gets injured or got kicked or got cramp or some things that i can do nothing about. instead of helping, some where making fun of the fact that i'm so busy with my job, asking how was business, laughing when someone got injured, happily shouting for medic medic..

if u think it's an easy job, would u like to take over me? i'll gladly give up my only worth of value in the IG to u and let u be in charge of everything and everything.. u want it, u get it. you want him, u get him. is god really fair?? please be my judge and tell me your verdict...

pressing for time, so god, please allow time to move slower... so that i can slow down the time left to the day that i decides to give up...