"吃醋是因为我喜欢你，生气是因为我在乎你，发呆是因为我想你，伤心只是因为我不想失去你。是不是等我 离开了，你才会感动？如果真的到了那样的一天，我还是希望你有一点点的难过，一点点的失落，一点点的 想我，只要有一点点关于我的记忆就好，真的只要一点点就好。"

was going through my documents in my comp, and came across this doc called "unspoken thoughts". opened it, and realized it was a document that has all my thoughts penned down whenever i was feeling down, a few months back.

the phrase above was one of my many thoughts... and looking back, though it felt bitter at that point of time, it somehow puts a smile on my face. i guess the smile means, i'm glad i had that memory.

i'm a goner.

feeling of being wanted, gone.

feeling of acceptance, gone.

everything's gone.

then wad am i still doing here?

i should be gone too.

give me time. i will be gone soon.

wad's the point if i have no friends, no family, no nothing.

if that's wad u want, if that's wad makes u happy, i will be gone soon. be happy.

does this means, i've lost my best friend?

feeling, kinda, devastated.

Seems like it's time to wake up from the perfect dream. It felt so comfortable, so right living the life I have the past few weeks. But I know deep inside, all these are just too good to be true. I never should deserve such privileges of life.

I guess life is all about making choices. There're probably no right or wrong to that, it's just how each individual sees the value of the choice. I made my choice, to love wholeheartedly, from day 1 till now, I dare say, I have. It's not easy to find someone u really love, and it's even harder to get that person to love u back. Unfortunately for me, I've loved 2 men in my whole life, and non of them seem to love me as hard as I loved them. Ever. I could lay my life for them, but I believe they'll never do the same for me. Some may say, u loved the wrong man, others may say u're just stupid. I'd say it's my choice to love, and I'll do what it takes to honour my choice. At least for me, there'll be no regrets. And I can proudly say I've loved hard before 20 years down the road.

So people out there, if u love someone and that someone loves u too, go for it. Do wadever it takes, as long as it's within ur conscience, go for it.

"U may choose to not love me, but u cannot stop me from loving u." I read this somewhere and I agree w it totally. It's not easy to love someone, I believe many will agree w me on this, so to all lovers out there, u're a strong person, keep it up and keep the fire burning. Cos I've come to realise, without this love burning in me, I'm nothing but a living dead. At least that's the case for me.

Jaded may be the word to describe me now, and it's really tiring to give all the love u have and not get anything in return. I guess this love is gonna stick w me for a while, and I'm not gonna love again. It's too draining, esp when I always end up loving people who dun love me.

Guess I can only seek comfort in the voice I'm familiar w thru songs...
就是他的声音，每天听了心里会暖暖的。
这个声音很神奇。
难过的时候听了心里会变得温暖。
兴奋的时候听了会很激动。
伤心的时候听了会想好好的哭一场。
那个人就是你。所以，我超爱听你唱歌。想每天都能听到你的歌声,这样日子才会比较好过。

I've been feeling really down the past few weeks. Guess the bulk of the emotions came from my expectations towards my friends, especially those important ones. Wadever they do or not do affects me a lot.

But then one day, someone told me: "ur friends come n go maybe cos they can't handle ur emoness. Ur emoness will ruin their night."

That really hit me, hard. He's right. I spoil everyone's night when I emo. I bore people, n that's something that I've always been conscious of. So I decided to change, for the better of course. I'll never emo in front of others anymore. These friends are too precious to me. I cannot afford to scare them away w my emotions.

And the 1st step to that, to take things in my stride. Wadever comes along, just accept it. No point sulking over issues n not doing anything about it if u can. If u can't do anything about it, then just accept it. It's just life. It may suck. But that's just it. Life sucks, 90% of the time. At least for my life.

came across this phrase above and agree with it totally... a lot of times people say, things changes overtime... feelings, habits, likes and dislikes, but more often than not, people themselves are the ones that cause all these changes. sad to say, nothing ever stays the same. people grow, be it for the better or worse. feelings change, be it stronger, or faded away. wad i like to eat now, i may not like it in 10 yrs time. however, wad has happened in the past will always be memories in our heart.. and that will never change no matter what happens. the person u love 5 yrs ago may not be the person u love now, but u'll always remember u had a great time w this person u once loved, and u had loved him so much once in ur life...

so, my friends, no matter what happens, u'll always be in my heart forever.. even if one day i met with an accident, lost my memory, i believe deep in my heart, u have a place. you'll always be my friend, always be my baby.



ALWAYS BE MY BABY

We were as one babe
For a moment in time
And it seemed everlasting
That you would always be mine
Now you wanna be free
So I'll let you fly
'Cause I know in my heart babe
Our love will never die

[Chorus:]
You'll always be a part of me
I'm part of you indefinitely
Boy don't you know you can't escape me
Ooh darling 'cause you'll always be my baby
And we'll linger on and on
Time can't erase a feeling this strong
No way you're never gonna shake me
Ooh darling 'cause you'll always be my baby

I ain't gonna cry no
And I won't beg you to stay
If you're determined to leave boy
I will not stand in your way
But inevitably
You'll be back again
'Cause you know in your heart babe
Our love will never end

[Chorus]

I know that you'll be back boy
When your days and your nights get a little bit colder
I know that you'll be right back baby
Oh baby believe me it's only a matter of time

[Chorus]

Another short getaway... Going back to KL, but this time for leehom's concert and not forgetting all the good food! Guess these little things that made me look forward to help to perk me up n spice up my life a little. This time it'll be a little different though, instead of the regular 5star coach that I always take to KL, we're gonna go by flight! Turns out it's actually cheaper than the coach, if u travel at the certain timing...

Gonna have an R&R trip this weekend... 3D2N, long awaited trip, not cos of the destination, but a lot more on the company. :)

honestly, i think it's really shallow to put someone down just becos something in your life doesn't go your way. it may not be your fault entirely, but do a little bit of soul searching and see if u are at fault too. always thinking that u are always right, always putting the blame on someone else, and always thinking the whole world owes u a living? let me tell u, u are very wrong. if you can tell me straight in the face that u've done nothing to contribute to what has happened, with a clear conscious, then fine, you win. but before u do that, make sure u have thought through it thoroughly. cos if u don't, sad to say, you'll never be a happy person, ever.

all that's been said, it's for your own good. if u dun wanna lose ur close friends and those people who love you, as a friend, i think it's time u change for the better.

Wondering: why are there so many people around me experiencing heart wrenching issues?

One's grandma passed away on cny day 1, one's suspected victim of cervical cancer, one who just suffered a miscarriage, one who just broke up, one who's caught in a triangle relationship, and one who just got into a debt cos of her previous bf.

All these happenings around me, makes me so upset and moody. Wish I can do something to help them.. If I can solve the problem w $$, I already have. And those that i can't, all I can offer are my advice and my company, my presence, my friendship.

Honestly, there's nothing much in my life that requires me to take a ride on the emotional rollercoaster... Nothing that is worth being happy about, and nothing worth crying about... But somehow, it's the monotonous life that's causing all the restless feeling in me... The kind of feeling is like, as though u want to watch a movie w someone but can't cos of their commitment, as though u want to call someone to chit chat but the fear of disturbing them is there...

Sometimes, the feeling of trying to be nonchalant sucks. Random thought but that's how I feel. Nonchalant about how my friends are using me, how my friends are taking me for granted, how small I am in the eyes of the people who are so so important to me. It's not always that I'm ok when I say i'm ok.. You know?

But rest assured, if there's anyone who tries to harm my friends or do more bad than good to my friends, I'll do all I can to protect them. That's my promise to all my friends out there..

Guess sometimes, u really dun need to expect anything in return when u do things for people.

Some people may be jealous of u for what u can do, what u have, who u are... But I guess having a clear conscious is what matters most. It's normal for people to be jealous, but dun let it affect u and make u a sore loser.

There was a period of time, I was v jealous of my friends who can sing better, have better luck, good career and all. And at the same time, there were people who were jealous of me too, for wad reasons I dunno, but the things they do and say makes it so degrading to themselves, I told myself I shall learn to embrace people's goodness and accept them n myself for who we are.

It's true wad they say: no matter how pretty u are on the outside, no matter how many friends u have in ur circle life, as long as u are petty, and have an ugly character, no matter wad, u'll be ugly forever.

taken for granted, yet again.

wad jaccent said made lots of sense, and geist's hug made me feel a lot better. friends like these, hard to find.

all i wanted was a hug, that's all. so hard to ask for?

it's 246am. and i gotta be up by 6am for training. wad i was i doing at a mando club at 11pm? i really dunno now. all in effort to support a very important friend. that's all. and got chided by myself for being so stupid: knowingly that i'll not be entertained by that very important friend, but yet foolishly pushing all appointments away and rushing down to support.

a hug. that's all i ask for every time.

i went to see a doctor yesterday regarding my insomnia. he asked me lots of questions.. a lot. and the conclusion is: depression.

when the doctor told me that, i laugh. i never thought i'll get that kinda conclusion from the doctor. thought i'll just get some sleeping pills from him.

depression. never thought i'll end up in this state ever. looks like even my laughter is not able to mask my depression.

this might be my last post of the year, of my life. or not. i dunno.

have been really busy these days after i came back from new york.. changed away my flight on xmas eve to be around for the festive season.. and ended up suffering for 5 days with 2 overnight turn and 1 long day turn without any off days, just so i can be around to support my friend, and to spend xmas w people i think are important to me.. all the trouble put through to be around, and yet my presence anywhere doesn't seem to be important to anyone at all.

ended up with no dinner dates till 2 hours before dinner, with some random people whom i'm not even close to, bar hop to a place to watch the band with people i'm not close to (again), jio-ed my poly senior out to go hood w me at 10pm just so i dun look like some pathetic gal with no date on a xmas eve, and ended up at hood for the countdown to xmas day. it was a great experience for me, considering the fact tt it's the first time i'm spending xmas in sg after i started flying.. a little disappointment here and there, which i thought was already big enough to pull down the mood of the festive season. lucky i made effort to dress up for the day, or at least i thought that helped in making me feel better about myself, and the day.

everyone seem to be talking about their new year's resolutions now. it doesn't seem to make a difference to me whether i have one or not. somehow, wad ever i do will never seem to be able to make me change. i'll still be the pessimistic jovi, emo jovi, and even if the resolution is to stop being pessimistic and emo, doubt it's ever gonna happen, ever in my life.

sometimes i just feel like getting drunk, not sober drunk, just drunk. so i can do things i dun normally do. do things that i never got the courage to do. say things that i never got the courage to say. but most of the time, even if i'm fucking high, like now, i'll still pretend i'm all good. if not people will start saying i'm emo again, trying to talk me out of my emo-ness, and then i'll really be emo and start crying all over again.

can u imagine? i was just playing some chinese mtv on the com at hood, singing along as though ktv.. and then i just suddenly cry in front of the monitor, still singing, and the lyrics seem to be expressing wad i feel. i never, ever, ever thought that will ever happen to me at hood. and it did. it's just so embarrassing. "why u crying jovi?" i cannot answer them. "tell me, tell me.." i cannot tell them. "it's ok, it'll be alright.." nope, it's not. "u can always share w me.." nope, i can't. they are just curious to know wad's going on, not genuinely concern.

xmas gift. only to certain VIP to me. and i spent the whole fucking day walking around, looking for gifts with sophia. specifically for the specific VIPs, according to their likes, dislikes, hobbies and all. i really dun care if u like them or not, whether u'll use them or not, whether u'll just chuck it at one corner of ur room or not. it's just a token of appreciation from me, thankful for our friendship. but it's really disappointing that i dun get that kind of appreciation from them. i dun need gifts. i just need a simple hug or simple words. is that so hard?

ok. kudos to me. fucking high and still able to type all these crap. i'm just always taken for granted, always doing too much, always thinking too much for others that it does more bad than good to them, always making people who care for me helpless with my negativity. it's ok. u all can leave me for all i care. i've always been alone anyway. doesn't matter. do what u all deem will make u all happy. my happiness is like a dust on earth, doesn't even weight a thing. fuck it. just put the blame on me.

curious to know wad song i was crying to?


借口

翻着我们的照片
想念若隐若现
去年的冬天
我们笑得很甜

看着你哭泣的脸
对着我说再见
来不及听见
你已走得很远

也许你已经放弃我
也许已经很难回头
我知道是自己错过
请再给我一个理由
说你不爱我

就算是我不懂
能不能原谅我
请不要把分手当作你的请求

我知道坚持要走是你受伤的藉口
请你回头
我会陪你一直走到最后

就算没有结果
我也能够承受
我知道你的痛
是我给的承诺

你说给过我纵容
沉默是因为包容
如果要走
请你记得我

如果难过
请你忘了我

having a hard time trying to sleep these days... firstly cos my mind is occupied with things, and secondly cos of the place of the tattoo... gotta sleep on my left, and when i unconsciously move to the right i'll jerk up in pain and the sleepless night starts all over again. but i'm definitely not regretting getting the tattoo, as it serves as a reminder to me. though it may be painful, it's bearable and it's gonna leave a beautiful mark on me.

going to new york in a few hours time. long flight but as usual, i can't sleep. no appetite, insomnia, cough, flu, and fever coming in soon. it's gonna be a long 6 days. coming back on sunday morning, but as usual, no one's gonna text me when i'm away, so it's gonna be a long, lonely, cold, gloomy stay for me in new york.

still feeling distracted... still contacting/hanging out friends? i hope so. everything going well? hope so too. feeling happy? better be, now that i'm gone, things should be better for everyone, except for me.

i really never imagine that someone so close to my heart will doubt my personality, doubt me as a person. it's so disappointing.

a big big dip in self confidence and self esteem.

however upset i am, however disappointed i am, i can't bring myself to stay upset w him for long. cos even as a friend, he's one very important friend to me.

i don't wanna lose a friend. but from the look of it, he'll never contact me again.

i'm gonna get a tattoo today. sophia asked me: are u sure u wanna do this? it's gonna be with u forever, and it's gonna remind u of the things u are going thru now. and i told her: i'm very sure. i want to remember this. i want to remember him. i want to remember the times i had in hood, this part of my life, i wanna remember it for life.

i only wish for us to still stay as friends. friends who can still call each other to talk about stuff and chit chat. friends who can still hang out together with our common friends. friends who'll still care for each other. simple? no? possible? no?

am i never gonna see him again? there wasn't even a face to face talk. the last i saw him, is that the last?

after my tattoo, i'm going back to my shell. only then, will i be able to stand tall again, cos i'll be alone anyway.