Tuesday, March 12, 2013

the year started with so many news of death... all are loved ones of my friends. all in their 20s. how vulnerable life can be. those who wanna live dun have a choice, and yet there are those who choose to end their life just like that.

i used to have this selfish thought too. i used to think, life is so meaningless, might as well be better off dead. no aim, no goal, nothing to look forward to. though i still think 早死早好 is good, i wouldnt end my life on purpose. to those people who have a group of friends they always hang out with, family who are very closely attached to each other, i envy them.

no doubt everyone around me may think that i have a lot of friends, but not being in any clique makes a lot of difference in my social life as compared to others who are. being in cliques, everyone makes an effort to gather on festive seasons, special occasions, frequent meetups, always in touch w each other. for me, i spend every xmas, every countdown, every birthday, all with different groups of people. somehow, i dun feel like i belong anywhere. i am like a "guest starring" in every clique. and "guest starring" i use is just to make it sound nice.

maybe it's the nature of my job, or maybe it's just me. sometimes i enjoy being alone, but most of the time when i say i do, i'm just saying so to convince myself it's ok to be alone. if not, days are hard to pass, life is hard to get by. being away from home all the time makes it worse.

i know there are people who might be concerned about me, and i am really thankful for them. no one will know and understand how much it means for someone like me to have friends who care. i treasure friendship, and appreciate people who knows i do. that is why it is so hard for my to reject help from my friends, even if i know i am just being used. that is why i will do all that i can and go all out for my friends, even if i know i will not be appreciated in the end. because at the end of the day, i know, even if i really lose this friend, i have done my best to salvage this friendship, conscious clear.

having said that, i believe everyone that i meet in my life cross my path for a reason, one way or another. because i believe, everything happens for a reason, and this belief and faith will help me stay strong. 

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