here i am again... with lots of thoughts in my mind, with lots of things to be thankful for...

i'm thankful for crew friends like Min, Wendy, Joni... these are the people i never thought i'll be friends with. honestly speaking, i never thought i'll make friends with my colleagues.. maybe just acquaintances whom u'll find peace when flying with them again, but not the ones whom u'll hang out and meet up after flights, and even change flights to work with them... i enjoy their company, enjoy the kind of security i get when i'm with them.. i like it when i can be myself in front of them, and i dun need to care about wad they think of me... thanks gals.. u're all my angels...

i'm thankful for Shernelle... if not for her, i'll not be able to get through my uni days smoothly and with ease... if not for her, i guess i'll take longer to get through the breakup.. i felt sad when i heard she'll be leaving for shanghai to work for a year. though i dun meet her much after uni, she's considered my only uni friend, and i appreciate that she's been there to be my listening ear and a friend to me.. now that she's in shanghai, u'll never be able to imagine the joy in me and the excitement in me when i made a trip to shanghai, met her, and even a simple dinner made me feel so happy.. to be able to meet her in shanghai, to know that she's doing good and well, to know that i can visit her regularly and be there for her once in a while when she misses home.. love u too shernelle...

i'm thankful for my poly friends.. it's amazing how i only got close to them after my poly days... and though we've all began the next phase of our life, and all too busy to meet as often as we used to, i choose to believe that deep in everyone of our hearts, we still care a lot for each other, never forgetting about each other... just that the society we live in groomed us to be less expressive of our feelings, most of us tend to think that we've been forgotten, we've been neglected, we've all alone. i'm guilty of that, and even now, i'll still feel the same way at times.. nevertheless, thanks to all who's been there for me, will always be there for me, and appreciate me for who i am...

i'm thankful for all the new friends i've made.. i dun normally make friends easily.. i'm more conservative, more restraint to myself, and i dun trust people easily to begin with, thus it's harder for me to make friends. thus, i'm thankful i've met eric and martin, and through them i know many other new friends.. which opened up my social circle, and thanks to them, i'm slowly walking out of my shell... slowly learning to love myself more, and to enjoy life more...

last but not least.. i'm thankful for my family.. blood is thicker than water, and that's really well said.. though i may not seem to be close to my family, deep inside, i love them very much.. my father who seldom speaks at home will find chance to ask me about my work and life, and will always try his best to send me and pick me from work.. my mom who nags a lot, but still looks after the family well and whenever she talks about something she feels about the family and herself, the teary eyes touches me always.. she'll do random things like giving me a hug or a kiss out of nowhere.. my sis who has moved out.. and though we've never been close, i always long for a day when we can both go shopping, go karaoke, go drinking, and hang out together as sisters.. not forgetting my beloved brother.. to ask me to forsake anything, i can, except my brother. he may not know it, but he's the most important person in my life.. now and forever, looking at how he grow from a boy to a man, how he plan for his own future, i'm really proud of him..

been having weird dreams recently, and i just felt i should express my appreciation to all that is important to me.. so here's a post dedicated to everyone that i care. in case i never make it back one of these days.. these are the people i want to thanks for creating such impact in my life.

been almost a month since the last post... i've been doing well these days... occupying myself with work, gym, guitar, friends, and night life...

yap... i've been in the mood for drinks recently... and ever since i met eric, i begin to enjoy drinking in places like pubs... especially the live band pub that eric brought me to once... i enjoy music, enjoy drinking, enjoy immersing myself in the atmosphere...

went to a club yesterday with eric... something different and new to me.. cos i visit pubs most of the time... music is great.. but i still prefer pubs...

most people ask, 'why you so emo? why keep going drinking?' to me, drinking can be a form of enjoyment, can also be a form of stress release... so to me, it's a good thing. at least better than me cooping up alone at home and facing the wall all day right?

i'm contented that i have friends who still take time to meet me, who still cares about me.. i'm contented that i met new people, which means new injections of friends and new activities for me...

besides being busy with my own personal activities, i was also busy helping my girlfriend for her wedding preparations... despite the things to be done, i enjoy every minute of it.. i believe that as long as i put in my fair share of effort in everything i do and giving my best to all my friends, my conscience is clear. i dun owe anyone any explanation, and i will be happy too..

and i need to emphasize this again: things do happen for a reason... i lost my blackberry in shanghai, but the good thing that happened, i got the company of clement and his friend..

i lost a lot a sleeping time.. but the good side to it: i got to spend time with my friends, and enjoy myself..

and last night when i was at the club.. i suddenly thought of clifton, my friend who had passed away.. i dunno why, but he just came to my mind.. and then i thought to myself, maybe he was trying to tell me to be happy and enjoy myself while i can...

and i did.

things do happen for a reason...

On the way to Taipei, on the train from Kaohsiung… it’s been a month full of ups and downs… but fulfilling at the same time.. I feel like I can really let go of things, move on, and start afresh all over again. I’m sure that’s wad my friends have been looking forward to, especially those who are genuinely concern about me.

Where shall I start… maybe from the Beijing trip… I met a famous Singaporean guitarist/ songwriter/ producer/ song arranger. He’s Eric 黄韵仁… he was in Beijing playing for Wakin 周华健’s china tour concert, and Beijing happens to be his first stop… and our paths crossed. Together with him was martin, the drummer, and with me was Joni, who used to be a Malaysian Idol contestant. In one way or another, Eric gave me the inspiration to do what I’ve always wanted to do: learn a musical instrument… and I did. I took up guitar lessons from Tobias. He was shocked to hear from me and surprised that I was anxious to learn it fast. I’m sure Eric was a great motivation, but there was something else that pushed me to do so, something that I can’t explain.

I was also more active at gym. I got my couz’s personal trainer to guide me at gym, and through him, I found myself pushing myself to the limit, and really working out till I sweat. One point to note: I NEVER have droplets of sweat dripping from my head ever before, but under his supervision, I did. I realize I could actually do things I never thought I could. And it was a real sense of achievement. Same goes for the guitar learning. My brother lend me his ‘antique’ classical guitar, and he guided me along as I tried to play a few songs. Cool.

I became happier, happier with myself, happier with my life, and learn to enjoy the little perks of life more. I became more appreciative of things and people around me, particularly the things that happen in my life.

People say things happen for a reason, and I really begin to understand that. Why I was with Nicholas, why we broke up, why I had to go through the heart-breaking breakup process, why I met Eric, why I pick up guitar, why I begin working out, why I’m where I am now. With an open heart, I smile when I know I’m fortunate enough to be travelling, to meet people like Eric, to know how to sing, to be able to do things I never thought I can.

I begin looking at life in a better and happier perspective. I begin to think less of negative stuff, if not, not think about them at all. I used to think: I’m not a good friend, that’s why people around me dun stay with me. But now, I start to think: I am who I am, conscious clear, and people will be friend with me if they want to. I’m not afraid of having little friends, cos I know I can survive on my own, and there are still people whom I can count on.

Music is really a powerful tool. Whenever and wherever I go, I have to have music. It brightens up my mood when I’m down, and even when the playlist is on emo songs, I’ll smile and immerse myself in the melody.

And that’s what I’ll do, smile. Cos things do happen for a reason.

after putting down the big stone in my heart, i began to open myself up a little... i went out with one of my HM senior, agreed and went out with my batchgal and her friends... one of which is someone she wanna matchmake me to... and later, i'll be going out with a colleague...

on the flight, there were two stewards who were trying on me.. funnily, tryers only try me after the breakup...

feeling all flattered by all the attention i get from guys, i sometimes feel it's probably just becos i'm single that makes me more attractive...

honestly, i thought i'll let loose and give in... but surprisingly, rejection seems to happen more frequently than ever... i thought about it... and came to a conclusion: maybe, just maybe, i'm still not over him.

it's been long.. really long... by now, i confirm there's no one reading this blog anymore... and this blog is gonna be a place i share my emotions... this blog is going to be my friend all over again... the friend that i can talk to everywhere i go, at anytime, and will always be my listening ear.. when i'm happy, and sad...

i've already stop blogging in livejournal... stop blogging about him, stop blogging about my daily feelings about him after the breakup... i guess this time, i've really let it go. this time, i'm not just consoling myself and deceiving myself... this time, i really feel i'm ready to move on...

i do feel relieved... but at the same time, a little lost. it seems as though i've lost my sense of direction in life. i used to still use him as my motivation, and i can still get through life with him in my mind.. now that i'm forcing him out of my mind, it's tough to get going...

never imagine myself to blog here again. but yap. here i am.

this has been a dead blog for so long, i guess no one's reading this anymore.

i'm doing good, with a degree, and an AMORE package, and single.

we've been apart for 319 days as of today, and not in contact. currently, i'm not sad that it's over. i'm just sad that he doesn't contact me anymore, and i lost a friend. i thought only couples who ended the relationship badly will stop all contacts, but why is it so for me?

been doing a lot of self reflection lately, and i realise that no one will pity me even if i continue dwelling on the past. probably took me a little too long to realise that isn't it?

this has been a huge knot in my heart, cos i feel that it has not been totally resolved, since he's not really talking to me. but, i'm really fine. just not as jovial as i was when i was with him. that's all.