just earlier today i was having fun with kai and joey.. but now... i feel so lonely, so restless.. my heart seem to have something pressing on it.. but i can't figure out what is it..

tml's my dad's birthday.. and he'll not be in singapore for us to celebrate for him... perhaps that's why i'm feeling so moody and sad?? just send my papa an sms.. it's a poem written by my mom to my dad for his brithday..

kinda fed up with the way some people do things... why can't they just keep their promise or set their priorities accordingly? if u promise to do something today, do it. i dun like it when they last minute tell me they have to attend something that i feel is minor that could be done at other times... fed up.. that's one reason why i'd rather do things myself.. rather than wait for others to find time to do things with me.. task that i can easily settle myself... fine.. i'm not in charge.. and i shall not be kaypoh.. so.. i shall wash my hands off it?? irony of life...

papa.. happy birthday!! (it's 12.37am, 27th jan 2005)

this is not good.. feeling frustrated at things that i should have already been used to long long time ago... wad is wrong with her?? if you wanna go have the operation, so be it. dun make it sound like the whole world should know that u are going for an op and expect people to be overly concern for you. this is singapore. concerns are not openly shown. so just shut up.

i was beginning to have more self confidence.. but darn, must you just tear me apart??? telling your own daughter that stupidity can always be found on me... sure.. of course.. i have to admit it.. afterall.. who knows me better than the woman who have me in her womb for 9 months right??

this year.. i'm so busy that i even forgot that dad's birthday is on IG meeting day. i actually FORGOT. feeling so guilty.. esp. after shawn and i 'analysize' that i am most prob the one that dad dotes on the most... although it is not said, it is shown...

for this holiday, i purposely plan everyday to be busy so as to not have any free time to spend with my family.. i dun feel the belongingness anymore.. plus after wad happened today, it makes me want to move out asap even more... and i believe that i can support myself even from now on. this is not a home. it is a place of shelter for me...

chatted with yixiu last night cum morning and it feels great to have someone to listen to wad i have to say about certain matters... i guess so far she seems to be the only one that can understand me and the only one that i can open up to without fear... thanx dear...

i've decided to let go of this matter that has been bothering me since last year... it doesn't seem to go anywhere and nothing is progressing... although actions made will put a smile to my face.. i'm afraid things have to go when it's time to go...

after 2 years of not running at all (i take my time in walking), i ran for close to 3 hrs plus today, causing me to have a muscle pulled and cramp on both legs consecutively, but still have to bear with the pain and the gastric to not pull the group back and cause disturbance to the smooth-flowing game of STUMPED. almost slipped and fall.. almost sprained my back.. all the almost that can happen, happened. hopefully my legs wouldn't wobble while working tml.. and that my legs are strong enough to carry me to my workplace...

kinda irritated at some people and some things that they do.. you know me, so dun mess with me when u know u shouldn't be. considering the attitude i have for life(presenting myself to be happy to influence people to be happy), it's really unlikely for me to get mad at you or irritated, unless it's something that you know i'd nv like to happen.

just put down the phone to the conversation with yixiu.. really nice to have someone like her for me to talk to and seek advice and comments from.. i trust you, for you are one that allows me to trust wholeheartedly.

i put people in front of myself. that's me. dun try to change me. dun. this, i can nv ever change, becos my concern is in you, my friends..

exactly one week since my last post. last week was still me and my confused mind. and i was super irritated at some people that i thought would understand me.. irritated at the things they do to me.. why can't they understand? nvm...

lunch at saffron with marc, brian, karin and jasmine was great.. got to try saffron food for the first time and with such great company.. now i'm looking forward to the lunch at saffron with yixiu and all after school reopens...

dad came home on friday and left again today... was very touched and happy to have him fetch me to school on monday.. had a family homecooked lunch on sunday, after the springcleaning of the house... clean freak she is...

this period of mid sem test i can confidently say is the best time that i've ever had so far in this year... wanted to study alone early in school yesterday.. but ended up studying with alex, kai, terrence, nicholas and gavin.. yes.. 5 hospi guys and a hospi gal... and now, we seem to form a study group.. meeting up every morning before the paper to do last min studying... today however was not as productive as yesterday due to the content of the subject plus the distraction, talking about soccer and boxing and F1 and food.. yes.. guys' topics... and the 6 of us has formed the banana group.. =) looks like i should be honoured to be the only gal in this group!! mood has been lifted up by this group of guys and thanx to them.. i'm walking out of my sorrows.. i'll try harder.. and harder.. till i can confidently say "hi, i'm jovi".

P.S. today is jay chou's birthday!! HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!

the rate of my heartbeat has been fluctuating quite badly these few days.. dunno wad's wrong with me and all.. gets irritated and jealous and fed up easily.. perhaps that's why i'm quite moody these days.. with loads of things occupying my mind..

things are piling up, and making me stress.. worsening the bad state of my mind.. i dunno wad to do with things.. it's not like i can help it so but.. i just need guidance...

looking forward to having luch with jas and karin on thursday.. not very common to be eating with the both of them.. but fresh for a change.. maybe that's wad i need. a change of life..

it has been one year, ever since i cleaned the main door of the house. and it brings back memories of the whole family cleaning the whole house. me working with pa, helping him with the towels.. but this year.. it's only the four of us, cleaning each area on every other separate days..

for the past weeks, project research and work and IG has kept me busy.. and that's good.. it keeps me away from thoughts...

if you even realise, i've changed after the talk. i laugh more and smile more. if that's what u mean, i've done it.

wad a way to start the new year.. crying.. on the first day of 2005.. wad has happened to me? even in the past when i spent the day or special occasions alone i'd feel that it's no big deal.. why do i feel i have to answer for my actions to the people around me now and making myself so angry with myself for not being able to make people understand me?? i guess that's the difference when i have friends.. and that's the only thing that can console me now.. i have friends.. whether or not i've been treated as one, i dun wanna probe into the question.. just let me be a fool and allow me to believe that i have friends.. pls..

i've been trying allow people to understand it more.. but the more i try, the more disappointed and dejected i get.. i'm feeling very tired now.. really tired.. if i've been talking to u in a very irritating way, forgive me.. it's just me getting fed up talking to people..

and i find myself in my own world nowadays.. doing my job as my job, not as something that i enjoy.. applies same to my cca and school work.. to keep things short, it applies to everything and everything that i've been doing. i do it because i have to, and not because i want to.

heard that the singapore flag on the pole in Terminal two fell down today.. bad sign.. wad else is gonna happen next? i nv know who i can trust now.. esp after so many things have happened, kind faces might turn out to be the traitor that's always beside me..

blogs can't be trusted.. people come probing u about the content.. i'll still blog, but i've kept a personal diary where i'll without fail update it everyday about the things that i cannot say in my blog.. new year to all..