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Monday, February 13, 2012
Wondering: why are there so many people around me experiencing heart wrenching issues?
One's grandma passed away on cny day 1, one's suspected victim of cervical cancer, one who just suffered a miscarriage, one who just broke up, one who's caught in a triangle relationship, and one who just got into a debt cos of her previous bf.
All these happenings around me, makes me so upset and moody. Wish I can do something to help them.. If I can solve the problem w $$, I already have. And those that i can't, all I can offer are my advice and my company, my presence, my friendship.
Honestly, there's nothing much in my life that requires me to take a ride on the emotional rollercoaster... Nothing that is worth being happy about, and nothing worth crying about... But somehow, it's the monotonous life that's causing all the restless feeling in me... The kind of feeling is like, as though u want to watch a movie w someone but can't cos of their commitment, as though u want to call someone to chit chat but the fear of disturbing them is there...
Sometimes, the feeling of trying to be nonchalant sucks. Random thought but that's how I feel. Nonchalant about how my friends are using me, how my friends are taking me for granted, how small I am in the eyes of the people who are so so important to me. It's not always that I'm ok when I say i'm ok.. You know?
But rest assured, if there's anyone who tries to harm my friends or do more bad than good to my friends, I'll do all I can to protect them. That's my promise to all my friends out there..
One's grandma passed away on cny day 1, one's suspected victim of cervical cancer, one who just suffered a miscarriage, one who just broke up, one who's caught in a triangle relationship, and one who just got into a debt cos of her previous bf.
All these happenings around me, makes me so upset and moody. Wish I can do something to help them.. If I can solve the problem w $$, I already have. And those that i can't, all I can offer are my advice and my company, my presence, my friendship.
Honestly, there's nothing much in my life that requires me to take a ride on the emotional rollercoaster... Nothing that is worth being happy about, and nothing worth crying about... But somehow, it's the monotonous life that's causing all the restless feeling in me... The kind of feeling is like, as though u want to watch a movie w someone but can't cos of their commitment, as though u want to call someone to chit chat but the fear of disturbing them is there...
Sometimes, the feeling of trying to be nonchalant sucks. Random thought but that's how I feel. Nonchalant about how my friends are using me, how my friends are taking me for granted, how small I am in the eyes of the people who are so so important to me. It's not always that I'm ok when I say i'm ok.. You know?
But rest assured, if there's anyone who tries to harm my friends or do more bad than good to my friends, I'll do all I can to protect them. That's my promise to all my friends out there..
Thursday, February 02, 2012
Guess sometimes, u really dun need to expect anything in return when u do things for people.
Some people may be jealous of u for what u can do, what u have, who u are... But I guess having a clear conscious is what matters most. It's normal for people to be jealous, but dun let it affect u and make u a sore loser.
There was a period of time, I was v jealous of my friends who can sing better, have better luck, good career and all. And at the same time, there were people who were jealous of me too, for wad reasons I dunno, but the things they do and say makes it so degrading to themselves, I told myself I shall learn to embrace people's goodness and accept them n myself for who we are.
It's true wad they say: no matter how pretty u are on the outside, no matter how many friends u have in ur circle life, as long as u are petty, and have an ugly character, no matter wad, u'll be ugly forever.
Some people may be jealous of u for what u can do, what u have, who u are... But I guess having a clear conscious is what matters most. It's normal for people to be jealous, but dun let it affect u and make u a sore loser.
There was a period of time, I was v jealous of my friends who can sing better, have better luck, good career and all. And at the same time, there were people who were jealous of me too, for wad reasons I dunno, but the things they do and say makes it so degrading to themselves, I told myself I shall learn to embrace people's goodness and accept them n myself for who we are.
It's true wad they say: no matter how pretty u are on the outside, no matter how many friends u have in ur circle life, as long as u are petty, and have an ugly character, no matter wad, u'll be ugly forever.
Friday, January 20, 2012
taken for granted, yet again.
wad jaccent said made lots of sense, and geist's hug made me feel a lot better. friends like these, hard to find.
all i wanted was a hug, that's all. so hard to ask for?
it's 246am. and i gotta be up by 6am for training. wad i was i doing at a mando club at 11pm? i really dunno now. all in effort to support a very important friend. that's all. and got chided by myself for being so stupid: knowingly that i'll not be entertained by that very important friend, but yet foolishly pushing all appointments away and rushing down to support.
a hug. that's all i ask for every time.
wad jaccent said made lots of sense, and geist's hug made me feel a lot better. friends like these, hard to find.
all i wanted was a hug, that's all. so hard to ask for?
it's 246am. and i gotta be up by 6am for training. wad i was i doing at a mando club at 11pm? i really dunno now. all in effort to support a very important friend. that's all. and got chided by myself for being so stupid: knowingly that i'll not be entertained by that very important friend, but yet foolishly pushing all appointments away and rushing down to support.
a hug. that's all i ask for every time.
Thursday, January 05, 2012
i went to see a doctor yesterday regarding my insomnia. he asked me lots of questions.. a lot. and the conclusion is: depression.
when the doctor told me that, i laugh. i never thought i'll get that kinda conclusion from the doctor. thought i'll just get some sleeping pills from him.
depression. never thought i'll end up in this state ever. looks like even my laughter is not able to mask my depression.
when the doctor told me that, i laugh. i never thought i'll get that kinda conclusion from the doctor. thought i'll just get some sleeping pills from him.
depression. never thought i'll end up in this state ever. looks like even my laughter is not able to mask my depression.
Wednesday, December 28, 2011
this might be my last post of the year, of my life. or not. i dunno.
have been really busy these days after i came back from new york.. changed away my flight on xmas eve to be around for the festive season.. and ended up suffering for 5 days with 2 overnight turn and 1 long day turn without any off days, just so i can be around to support my friend, and to spend xmas w people i think are important to me.. all the trouble put through to be around, and yet my presence anywhere doesn't seem to be important to anyone at all.
ended up with no dinner dates till 2 hours before dinner, with some random people whom i'm not even close to, bar hop to a place to watch the band with people i'm not close to (again), jio-ed my poly senior out to go hood w me at 10pm just so i dun look like some pathetic gal with no date on a xmas eve, and ended up at hood for the countdown to xmas day. it was a great experience for me, considering the fact tt it's the first time i'm spending xmas in sg after i started flying.. a little disappointment here and there, which i thought was already big enough to pull down the mood of the festive season. lucky i made effort to dress up for the day, or at least i thought that helped in making me feel better about myself, and the day.
everyone seem to be talking about their new year's resolutions now. it doesn't seem to make a difference to me whether i have one or not. somehow, wad ever i do will never seem to be able to make me change. i'll still be the pessimistic jovi, emo jovi, and even if the resolution is to stop being pessimistic and emo, doubt it's ever gonna happen, ever in my life.
sometimes i just feel like getting drunk, not sober drunk, just drunk. so i can do things i dun normally do. do things that i never got the courage to do. say things that i never got the courage to say. but most of the time, even if i'm fucking high, like now, i'll still pretend i'm all good. if not people will start saying i'm emo again, trying to talk me out of my emo-ness, and then i'll really be emo and start crying all over again.
can u imagine? i was just playing some chinese mtv on the com at hood, singing along as though ktv.. and then i just suddenly cry in front of the monitor, still singing, and the lyrics seem to be expressing wad i feel. i never, ever, ever thought that will ever happen to me at hood. and it did. it's just so embarrassing. "why u crying jovi?" i cannot answer them. "tell me, tell me.." i cannot tell them. "it's ok, it'll be alright.." nope, it's not. "u can always share w me.." nope, i can't. they are just curious to know wad's going on, not genuinely concern.
xmas gift. only to certain VIP to me. and i spent the whole fucking day walking around, looking for gifts with sophia. specifically for the specific VIPs, according to their likes, dislikes, hobbies and all. i really dun care if u like them or not, whether u'll use them or not, whether u'll just chuck it at one corner of ur room or not. it's just a token of appreciation from me, thankful for our friendship. but it's really disappointing that i dun get that kind of appreciation from them. i dun need gifts. i just need a simple hug or simple words. is that so hard?
ok. kudos to me. fucking high and still able to type all these crap. i'm just always taken for granted, always doing too much, always thinking too much for others that it does more bad than good to them, always making people who care for me helpless with my negativity. it's ok. u all can leave me for all i care. i've always been alone anyway. doesn't matter. do what u all deem will make u all happy. my happiness is like a dust on earth, doesn't even weight a thing. fuck it. just put the blame on me.
curious to know wad song i was crying to?
借口
翻着我们的照片
想念若隐若现
去年的冬天
我们笑得很甜
看着你哭泣的脸
对着我说再见
来不及听见
你已走得很远
也许你已经放弃我
也许已经很难回头
我知道是自己错过
请再给我一个理由
说你不爱我
就算是我不懂
能不能原谅我
请不要把分手当作你的请求
我知道坚持要走是你受伤的藉口
请你回头
我会陪你一直走到最后
就算没有结果
我也能够承受
我知道你的痛
是我给的承诺
你说给过我纵容
沉默是因为包容
如果要走
请你记得我
如果难过
请你忘了我
have been really busy these days after i came back from new york.. changed away my flight on xmas eve to be around for the festive season.. and ended up suffering for 5 days with 2 overnight turn and 1 long day turn without any off days, just so i can be around to support my friend, and to spend xmas w people i think are important to me.. all the trouble put through to be around, and yet my presence anywhere doesn't seem to be important to anyone at all.
ended up with no dinner dates till 2 hours before dinner, with some random people whom i'm not even close to, bar hop to a place to watch the band with people i'm not close to (again), jio-ed my poly senior out to go hood w me at 10pm just so i dun look like some pathetic gal with no date on a xmas eve, and ended up at hood for the countdown to xmas day. it was a great experience for me, considering the fact tt it's the first time i'm spending xmas in sg after i started flying.. a little disappointment here and there, which i thought was already big enough to pull down the mood of the festive season. lucky i made effort to dress up for the day, or at least i thought that helped in making me feel better about myself, and the day.
everyone seem to be talking about their new year's resolutions now. it doesn't seem to make a difference to me whether i have one or not. somehow, wad ever i do will never seem to be able to make me change. i'll still be the pessimistic jovi, emo jovi, and even if the resolution is to stop being pessimistic and emo, doubt it's ever gonna happen, ever in my life.
sometimes i just feel like getting drunk, not sober drunk, just drunk. so i can do things i dun normally do. do things that i never got the courage to do. say things that i never got the courage to say. but most of the time, even if i'm fucking high, like now, i'll still pretend i'm all good. if not people will start saying i'm emo again, trying to talk me out of my emo-ness, and then i'll really be emo and start crying all over again.
can u imagine? i was just playing some chinese mtv on the com at hood, singing along as though ktv.. and then i just suddenly cry in front of the monitor, still singing, and the lyrics seem to be expressing wad i feel. i never, ever, ever thought that will ever happen to me at hood. and it did. it's just so embarrassing. "why u crying jovi?" i cannot answer them. "tell me, tell me.." i cannot tell them. "it's ok, it'll be alright.." nope, it's not. "u can always share w me.." nope, i can't. they are just curious to know wad's going on, not genuinely concern.
xmas gift. only to certain VIP to me. and i spent the whole fucking day walking around, looking for gifts with sophia. specifically for the specific VIPs, according to their likes, dislikes, hobbies and all. i really dun care if u like them or not, whether u'll use them or not, whether u'll just chuck it at one corner of ur room or not. it's just a token of appreciation from me, thankful for our friendship. but it's really disappointing that i dun get that kind of appreciation from them. i dun need gifts. i just need a simple hug or simple words. is that so hard?
ok. kudos to me. fucking high and still able to type all these crap. i'm just always taken for granted, always doing too much, always thinking too much for others that it does more bad than good to them, always making people who care for me helpless with my negativity. it's ok. u all can leave me for all i care. i've always been alone anyway. doesn't matter. do what u all deem will make u all happy. my happiness is like a dust on earth, doesn't even weight a thing. fuck it. just put the blame on me.
curious to know wad song i was crying to?
借口
翻着我们的照片
想念若隐若现
去年的冬天
我们笑得很甜
看着你哭泣的脸
对着我说再见
来不及听见
你已走得很远
也许你已经放弃我
也许已经很难回头
我知道是自己错过
请再给我一个理由
说你不爱我
就算是我不懂
能不能原谅我
请不要把分手当作你的请求
我知道坚持要走是你受伤的藉口
请你回头
我会陪你一直走到最后
就算没有结果
我也能够承受
我知道你的痛
是我给的承诺
你说给过我纵容
沉默是因为包容
如果要走
请你记得我
如果难过
请你忘了我
Tuesday, December 13, 2011
having a hard time trying to sleep these days... firstly cos my mind is occupied with things, and secondly cos of the place of the tattoo... gotta sleep on my left, and when i unconsciously move to the right i'll jerk up in pain and the sleepless night starts all over again. but i'm definitely not regretting getting the tattoo, as it serves as a reminder to me. though it may be painful, it's bearable and it's gonna leave a beautiful mark on me.
going to new york in a few hours time. long flight but as usual, i can't sleep. no appetite, insomnia, cough, flu, and fever coming in soon. it's gonna be a long 6 days. coming back on sunday morning, but as usual, no one's gonna text me when i'm away, so it's gonna be a long, lonely, cold, gloomy stay for me in new york.
still feeling distracted... still contacting/hanging out friends? i hope so. everything going well? hope so too. feeling happy? better be, now that i'm gone, things should be better for everyone, except for me.
going to new york in a few hours time. long flight but as usual, i can't sleep. no appetite, insomnia, cough, flu, and fever coming in soon. it's gonna be a long 6 days. coming back on sunday morning, but as usual, no one's gonna text me when i'm away, so it's gonna be a long, lonely, cold, gloomy stay for me in new york.
still feeling distracted... still contacting/hanging out friends? i hope so. everything going well? hope so too. feeling happy? better be, now that i'm gone, things should be better for everyone, except for me.
Sunday, December 11, 2011
i really never imagine that someone so close to my heart will doubt my personality, doubt me as a person. it's so disappointing.
a big big dip in self confidence and self esteem.
however upset i am, however disappointed i am, i can't bring myself to stay upset w him for long. cos even as a friend, he's one very important friend to me.
i don't wanna lose a friend. but from the look of it, he'll never contact me again.
i'm gonna get a tattoo today. sophia asked me: are u sure u wanna do this? it's gonna be with u forever, and it's gonna remind u of the things u are going thru now. and i told her: i'm very sure. i want to remember this. i want to remember him. i want to remember the times i had in hood, this part of my life, i wanna remember it for life.
i only wish for us to still stay as friends. friends who can still call each other to talk about stuff and chit chat. friends who can still hang out together with our common friends. friends who'll still care for each other. simple? no? possible? no?
am i never gonna see him again? there wasn't even a face to face talk. the last i saw him, is that the last?
after my tattoo, i'm going back to my shell. only then, will i be able to stand tall again, cos i'll be alone anyway.
a big big dip in self confidence and self esteem.
however upset i am, however disappointed i am, i can't bring myself to stay upset w him for long. cos even as a friend, he's one very important friend to me.
i don't wanna lose a friend. but from the look of it, he'll never contact me again.
i'm gonna get a tattoo today. sophia asked me: are u sure u wanna do this? it's gonna be with u forever, and it's gonna remind u of the things u are going thru now. and i told her: i'm very sure. i want to remember this. i want to remember him. i want to remember the times i had in hood, this part of my life, i wanna remember it for life.
i only wish for us to still stay as friends. friends who can still call each other to talk about stuff and chit chat. friends who can still hang out together with our common friends. friends who'll still care for each other. simple? no? possible? no?
am i never gonna see him again? there wasn't even a face to face talk. the last i saw him, is that the last?
after my tattoo, i'm going back to my shell. only then, will i be able to stand tall again, cos i'll be alone anyway.
Thursday, December 08, 2011
At a tattoo shop now...
Watching him do the things he like, seeing him all excited about the things he do, I'm really happy for him.
Come what may, I'll do all I can for him.. Cos I know, even if I may not get my happiness, at least I can see him safe, and happy. That's enough for me.
You can fly so high
Keep your gaze upon the sky
I'll be prayin every step along the way
Even though it breaks my heart to know we'll be so far apart
I love you too much to make you stay
Baby fly away
Watching him do the things he like, seeing him all excited about the things he do, I'm really happy for him.
Come what may, I'll do all I can for him.. Cos I know, even if I may not get my happiness, at least I can see him safe, and happy. That's enough for me.
You can fly so high
Keep your gaze upon the sky
I'll be prayin every step along the way
Even though it breaks my heart to know we'll be so far apart
I love you too much to make you stay
Baby fly away
Wednesday, December 07, 2011
the feeling in me is making me crazy. i'm feeling so so vexed, i feel like exploding. so so many questions in my mind, so many doubts about so many things, and yet, i don't have the courage to clear them all.
they say, actions speaks louder than words. and i totally agree with that. u know, u don't need to say anything, but from your responses to me and reactions, i know. i know that things have changed. i'm no longer soughted after, i'm no longer loved, i'm no longer wanted. that really pains me to know, to know that i'm so unattractive, so uncool to be with, so much so that the people around me that matters to me, are taking my presence for granted.
i'm feeling so so dejected, so so rejected, and so so unwanted. it seems like wherever i go, my big build is just a hindrance to the crowd: makes it harder for people to squeeze their way through, people behind me can't see wad's in front of them... i just don't seem to fit in anywhere, in any place, in anyone's lives, in anyone's world.
if one day i really disappear, will anyone bother to look me up? if one day i really say goodbye to the world, will anyone's lives change cos of my absence? if one day i just leave, will anyone hold me back? probably, but at this point of time, my heart tells me no.
love is such a strong and powerful tool. it helps to make one a better person, or not. be it love from ur friends, family, or the one u love, they all play a part to make up who u are now. i'm lacking love, from all 3 sources of love, and i'm feeling really down without it. of course, the world doesn't just revolve around love, there's still career and things to do in life. but my life is an empty shell. there's nothing else for me to do, except to fill it up with all the love i can, because it just seem extremely hard for love to come by in my life, from my family, and from the one i love.
HAVE YOU EVER..
Sometimes it's wrong to walk away, though you think it's over
Knowing there's so much more to say,
And suddenly the moment's gone, and all your dreams are upside down, and you just want to change the way the world goes round, tell me
Have you ever loved and lost somebody, wished there was a chance to say I'm sorry,
Can't you see, that's the way I feel about you and me, baby,
Have you ever felt your heart was breaking, looking down the road you should be taking,
I should know, 'cause I loved and lost, the day I let you go.
Can't help but think that this is wrong, we should be together,
Back in your arms where I belong,
And now I've finally realized, it was forever that I've found,
I'd give it all to change the way the world goes round, tell me
Have you ever loved and lost somebody, wished there was a chance to say I'm sorry,
Can't you see, that's the way I feel about you and me, baby,
Have you ever felt your heart was breaking, looking down the road you should be taking,
I should know, 'cause I loved and lost, the day I let you go.
Don't even want to hear you say, that you know just how it feels,
To have it all and let it slip away, can't you see
Oh and though the moment's gone, I'm still holding on somehow,
Wishing I could change the way the world goes round, tell me
Have you ever loved and lost somebody, wished there was a chance to say I'm sorry,
Can't you see, that's the way I feel about you and me, baby,
Have you ever felt your heart was breaking, looking down the road you should be taking,
I should know, 'cause I loved and lost, the day I let you go
they say, actions speaks louder than words. and i totally agree with that. u know, u don't need to say anything, but from your responses to me and reactions, i know. i know that things have changed. i'm no longer soughted after, i'm no longer loved, i'm no longer wanted. that really pains me to know, to know that i'm so unattractive, so uncool to be with, so much so that the people around me that matters to me, are taking my presence for granted.
i'm feeling so so dejected, so so rejected, and so so unwanted. it seems like wherever i go, my big build is just a hindrance to the crowd: makes it harder for people to squeeze their way through, people behind me can't see wad's in front of them... i just don't seem to fit in anywhere, in any place, in anyone's lives, in anyone's world.
if one day i really disappear, will anyone bother to look me up? if one day i really say goodbye to the world, will anyone's lives change cos of my absence? if one day i just leave, will anyone hold me back? probably, but at this point of time, my heart tells me no.
love is such a strong and powerful tool. it helps to make one a better person, or not. be it love from ur friends, family, or the one u love, they all play a part to make up who u are now. i'm lacking love, from all 3 sources of love, and i'm feeling really down without it. of course, the world doesn't just revolve around love, there's still career and things to do in life. but my life is an empty shell. there's nothing else for me to do, except to fill it up with all the love i can, because it just seem extremely hard for love to come by in my life, from my family, and from the one i love.
HAVE YOU EVER..
Sometimes it's wrong to walk away, though you think it's over
Knowing there's so much more to say,
And suddenly the moment's gone, and all your dreams are upside down, and you just want to change the way the world goes round, tell me
Have you ever loved and lost somebody, wished there was a chance to say I'm sorry,
Can't you see, that's the way I feel about you and me, baby,
Have you ever felt your heart was breaking, looking down the road you should be taking,
I should know, 'cause I loved and lost, the day I let you go.
Can't help but think that this is wrong, we should be together,
Back in your arms where I belong,
And now I've finally realized, it was forever that I've found,
I'd give it all to change the way the world goes round, tell me
Have you ever loved and lost somebody, wished there was a chance to say I'm sorry,
Can't you see, that's the way I feel about you and me, baby,
Have you ever felt your heart was breaking, looking down the road you should be taking,
I should know, 'cause I loved and lost, the day I let you go.
Don't even want to hear you say, that you know just how it feels,
To have it all and let it slip away, can't you see
Oh and though the moment's gone, I'm still holding on somehow,
Wishing I could change the way the world goes round, tell me
Have you ever loved and lost somebody, wished there was a chance to say I'm sorry,
Can't you see, that's the way I feel about you and me, baby,
Have you ever felt your heart was breaking, looking down the road you should be taking,
I should know, 'cause I loved and lost, the day I let you go
Friday, December 02, 2011
one of these days, i woke up and realise that, i'm really tired. i'm tired of always being the nice person, making contributions in everyone else's life, waiting for people, and in turn, i lose myself.
i really wanna run away from all these, go to somewhere and be a whole new me, somewhere where no one knows me, so i can start everything afresh.
i saw on tv, this fortune teller said: if u wanna change ur fate, u gotta change ur personality, cos only then, are u in control of ur future. i thought about it for a while, and realise it makes perfect sense. i'm who i am now cos of my personality. person take me for who i am know cos of my personality.
i guess it's time for me to change. cos i'm really tired. even if people don't love me anymore, i don't care. even if people dun wanna hangout with me anymore cos i've changed, i don't care. i'm tired of always having to give in to people or to let others take advantage of me. i'm tired of always telling myself 'it's ok' and choose to let others be happy instead of me.
i'm just tired. can someone give me a hand, and make me feel like i'm worth it for once?
i really wanna run away from all these, go to somewhere and be a whole new me, somewhere where no one knows me, so i can start everything afresh.
i saw on tv, this fortune teller said: if u wanna change ur fate, u gotta change ur personality, cos only then, are u in control of ur future. i thought about it for a while, and realise it makes perfect sense. i'm who i am now cos of my personality. person take me for who i am know cos of my personality.
i guess it's time for me to change. cos i'm really tired. even if people don't love me anymore, i don't care. even if people dun wanna hangout with me anymore cos i've changed, i don't care. i'm tired of always having to give in to people or to let others take advantage of me. i'm tired of always telling myself 'it's ok' and choose to let others be happy instead of me.
i'm just tired. can someone give me a hand, and make me feel like i'm worth it for once?
Tuesday, November 29, 2011
u know, when a group of crew gather together for a chat, we always seem to learn new things from each other... there was the time when they teach me the proper way of wearing a bra, teach me about yeast infection, about skin care, and of course, BGR will always be part of the conversation.
on my previous trip, 3 of us sat down together, all 3 with different views about BGR. one is married, one is in a relationship, and me, i dunno if this is considered dating, so i'll say i'm single. the one who's married feels that life is beautiful. she feels that being able to find someone who loves her and is willing to take care of her, she's very fortunate, and she'll do all it takes to make this marriage last as long as it can. meaning, she's willing to compromise herself to accomodate her husband and does everything he says.
the one who is in a relationship, says it's tough being with someone. she finds herself losing herself day by day, and she can no longer see the independent and strong-headed her anymore. and she's wondering, how did it happened, and how did she allow it to happen? she don't believe that there will be happiness at the end of the day, instead, she believes that they are together as companions, and to help each other along the way in life. she doesn't think that being in a relationship will lead to a happy ending, and if one is not careful, it may bring one down instead of making someone a better person.
as for me, i stand in between. i believe one always have to compromises in a relationship to make things work. everyone has their differences and everyone has their own set of beliefs and thinking. this is where the compromising comes in. however, there should be a limit and u should know where to draw the line and tell yourself to stop compromising when u realize u are losing urself.
i think the difference in perception from the 3 of us is not only cos of the different personality, but also because of the difference in status. cos she's married, she has no choice but to do all it takes to make it work, and in her case, is to compromise. cos she's attached, she can still be wild and be stubborn about doing things her way without sparing a thought for her bf, whether or not whatever she does or doesn't do will hurt the relationship. and cos i'm single, i wish for a happy ending like the married gal, but yet still wanna be myself, and thus, the integration of both perceptions.
it's just one of the interesting observations i've made, from all the interaction with all the crew and pax i've talked to.. their views on certain issues. and sometimes, it just makes me wonder, at the end of the day, wad is it i really want.
i'm a simple gal really. i dun need branded goods to keep me alive, i dun need recognition in the society to feel important. i'm just a gal who at the end of the day, wanna find a man who loves me like i love him and settle down with him, start a small family, lead a simple and peaceful life. a shelter over my head, food and water to keep me alive, and recognition in the eyes of the man i love, to keep the fire burning in me. period.
not too much to ask for i hope.
on my previous trip, 3 of us sat down together, all 3 with different views about BGR. one is married, one is in a relationship, and me, i dunno if this is considered dating, so i'll say i'm single. the one who's married feels that life is beautiful. she feels that being able to find someone who loves her and is willing to take care of her, she's very fortunate, and she'll do all it takes to make this marriage last as long as it can. meaning, she's willing to compromise herself to accomodate her husband and does everything he says.
the one who is in a relationship, says it's tough being with someone. she finds herself losing herself day by day, and she can no longer see the independent and strong-headed her anymore. and she's wondering, how did it happened, and how did she allow it to happen? she don't believe that there will be happiness at the end of the day, instead, she believes that they are together as companions, and to help each other along the way in life. she doesn't think that being in a relationship will lead to a happy ending, and if one is not careful, it may bring one down instead of making someone a better person.
as for me, i stand in between. i believe one always have to compromises in a relationship to make things work. everyone has their differences and everyone has their own set of beliefs and thinking. this is where the compromising comes in. however, there should be a limit and u should know where to draw the line and tell yourself to stop compromising when u realize u are losing urself.
i think the difference in perception from the 3 of us is not only cos of the different personality, but also because of the difference in status. cos she's married, she has no choice but to do all it takes to make it work, and in her case, is to compromise. cos she's attached, she can still be wild and be stubborn about doing things her way without sparing a thought for her bf, whether or not whatever she does or doesn't do will hurt the relationship. and cos i'm single, i wish for a happy ending like the married gal, but yet still wanna be myself, and thus, the integration of both perceptions.
it's just one of the interesting observations i've made, from all the interaction with all the crew and pax i've talked to.. their views on certain issues. and sometimes, it just makes me wonder, at the end of the day, wad is it i really want.
i'm a simple gal really. i dun need branded goods to keep me alive, i dun need recognition in the society to feel important. i'm just a gal who at the end of the day, wanna find a man who loves me like i love him and settle down with him, start a small family, lead a simple and peaceful life. a shelter over my head, food and water to keep me alive, and recognition in the eyes of the man i love, to keep the fire burning in me. period.
not too much to ask for i hope.
Monday, November 28, 2011
Been busy doing the things I do... Supporting him, spending time with my close friends, and thinking of him. I know I should occupy my time with things I used to do and all, but I can't help thinking about his well-being all day. Thinking if he's tired from all the work and studying, thinking if he's feeling lousy about anything, thinking if he's doing alright.
I feel angry and upset with myself for making him angry and upset that night. I know he cares for me, but I feel angry with myself for taking up his time when he has more important things to do. I'm angry with myself and annoyed with myself for getting drunk that night, and he has to take care of me all night, when he could have been studying. The last thing I wanna do is to burden him with me, myself and everything about me. But I've been the opposite lately, and I hate myself for that.
It sucks when all U wanna do is to be there for the one u love, and yet, u dun have the right to do so. It sucks when u know all u can think about is the one person that occupies ur mind all day and night and yet u can't tell him. It sucks when all u wanna do is to love him with all ur might, but the red light is on. And it just sucks that, this sucky feeling is so strong.
Many tells me, u deserve better, u deserve more, u deserve to be loved the way u love others. And I believe I do too, I'm just crossing my fingers, placing a bet, and hoping one fine day, I will be loved too.
Till that day, I'm gonna do my thing, and be there for u, always.
For You I Will
When you're feeling lost in the night,
When you feel your world just ain't right
Call on me, I will be waiting
Count on me, I will be there
Anytime the times get too tough,
Anytime your best ain't enough
I'll be the one to make it better,
I'll be there to protect you,
See you through,
I'll be there and there is nothing
I won't do.
I will cross the ocean for you
I will go and bring you the moon
I will be your hero your strength
Anything you need
I will be the sun in your sky
I will light your way for all time
Promise you,
For you I will.
I will shield your heart from the rain
I will let no harm come your way
Oh these arms will be your shelter
No these arms won't let you down
If there is a mountain to move
I will move that mountain for you
I'm here for you, I'm here forever
I will be your fortress, tall and strong
I'll keep you safe,
I'll stand beside you, right or wrong
For you I will, lay my life on the line
For you I will fight, oooooh
For you I will die
With every breath, with all my soul
I'll give my world
I'll give it all
Put your faith in me (put you're faith in me)
And I'll do anything
I will cross the ocean for you (I will cross the ocean for you)
I will go and bring you the moon
I will be your hero your strength
Anything you need
I will be the sun in your sky
I will light your way for all time
Promise you (Promise you)
For you I will
I feel angry and upset with myself for making him angry and upset that night. I know he cares for me, but I feel angry with myself for taking up his time when he has more important things to do. I'm angry with myself and annoyed with myself for getting drunk that night, and he has to take care of me all night, when he could have been studying. The last thing I wanna do is to burden him with me, myself and everything about me. But I've been the opposite lately, and I hate myself for that.
It sucks when all U wanna do is to be there for the one u love, and yet, u dun have the right to do so. It sucks when u know all u can think about is the one person that occupies ur mind all day and night and yet u can't tell him. It sucks when all u wanna do is to love him with all ur might, but the red light is on. And it just sucks that, this sucky feeling is so strong.
Many tells me, u deserve better, u deserve more, u deserve to be loved the way u love others. And I believe I do too, I'm just crossing my fingers, placing a bet, and hoping one fine day, I will be loved too.
Till that day, I'm gonna do my thing, and be there for u, always.
For You I Will
When you're feeling lost in the night,
When you feel your world just ain't right
Call on me, I will be waiting
Count on me, I will be there
Anytime the times get too tough,
Anytime your best ain't enough
I'll be the one to make it better,
I'll be there to protect you,
See you through,
I'll be there and there is nothing
I won't do.
I will cross the ocean for you
I will go and bring you the moon
I will be your hero your strength
Anything you need
I will be the sun in your sky
I will light your way for all time
Promise you,
For you I will.
I will shield your heart from the rain
I will let no harm come your way
Oh these arms will be your shelter
No these arms won't let you down
If there is a mountain to move
I will move that mountain for you
I'm here for you, I'm here forever
I will be your fortress, tall and strong
I'll keep you safe,
I'll stand beside you, right or wrong
For you I will, lay my life on the line
For you I will fight, oooooh
For you I will die
With every breath, with all my soul
I'll give my world
I'll give it all
Put your faith in me (put you're faith in me)
And I'll do anything
I will cross the ocean for you (I will cross the ocean for you)
I will go and bring you the moon
I will be your hero your strength
Anything you need
I will be the sun in your sky
I will light your way for all time
Promise you (Promise you)
For you I will
Monday, November 21, 2011
i just realized, it's like.. de javu... last month, it was LA that i suddenly felt extremely insecure (probably due to PMS), and thereafter i did an auckland flight when i started to notice something was wrong...
this month, i did a LA flight too.. and here i am in auckland after the LA flight. except that this time, the feeling of insecurity is gone. instead, i am feeling a lot at ease. why? i dunno. maybe sometimes, u gotta lose something before u learn how to treasure it.. maybe sometimes, wad u lose is wad u actually wanna treasure most. and maybe sometimes, letting go of something can make u realize that that's the one thing u really wanna hold on to...
of course, there's always the other side of the coin. and losing that something can help u see a clearer picture of the situation u are in, or put u in a better position to be a better person and move on in life. it's a matter of choice, whichever side of the coin u are looking at now.
life is actually all about uncertainties... u'll never know what will happen to u tmr, next month, next year, or even 10 years down the road. so all we can do is to treasure the moment and live with no regrets. don't wait till u see this person 3 years later and regret not telling him or her that something u wanted to say to him or her all along... don't let yourself be bugged with all the 'i should have... ' in future... be a little braver, and tell yourself to take away all the 'what ifs' in ur life, and add in more of 'even if... i will... ' that way, u can tell urself, even if u failed, at least u've tried, and that's living with no regrets to me.
it's definitely easier to say than to action on it. even i have difficulty practicing wad i preach.. but i'm trying and working on it.. that's why i'm holding on to certain things, that's why i do the things i do... it all boils down to choice. we may be uncertain about the things we want in life at times, but time is always that one thing that will help us find out more about ourselves.. be it long or short, time is the answer. sometimes, the people around u can be ur assistant in finding the answer too..
i hope, i can be that assistant in ur life, to find out what u really want.
你很愛他
當你決定 你要離開我
我沒有說什麼 就當作你自由
有好幾次我都想挽留
苦求也沒有用 就當作是寂寞
只有我能明白 他的溫柔
對你是種解脫
只想要告訴我 誰是你的最愛
其實你很愛他 對我的懲罰
說你沒有想他 是可憐我吧
我已沒有藉口 只能放手
不能奢求 你說愛我
其實你很愛他 他很溫柔嗎
其實你很想他 就說出口吧
我已不想多說 嗚住耳朵
不想再次聽到你說 你很愛他
this month, i did a LA flight too.. and here i am in auckland after the LA flight. except that this time, the feeling of insecurity is gone. instead, i am feeling a lot at ease. why? i dunno. maybe sometimes, u gotta lose something before u learn how to treasure it.. maybe sometimes, wad u lose is wad u actually wanna treasure most. and maybe sometimes, letting go of something can make u realize that that's the one thing u really wanna hold on to...
of course, there's always the other side of the coin. and losing that something can help u see a clearer picture of the situation u are in, or put u in a better position to be a better person and move on in life. it's a matter of choice, whichever side of the coin u are looking at now.
life is actually all about uncertainties... u'll never know what will happen to u tmr, next month, next year, or even 10 years down the road. so all we can do is to treasure the moment and live with no regrets. don't wait till u see this person 3 years later and regret not telling him or her that something u wanted to say to him or her all along... don't let yourself be bugged with all the 'i should have... ' in future... be a little braver, and tell yourself to take away all the 'what ifs' in ur life, and add in more of 'even if... i will... ' that way, u can tell urself, even if u failed, at least u've tried, and that's living with no regrets to me.
it's definitely easier to say than to action on it. even i have difficulty practicing wad i preach.. but i'm trying and working on it.. that's why i'm holding on to certain things, that's why i do the things i do... it all boils down to choice. we may be uncertain about the things we want in life at times, but time is always that one thing that will help us find out more about ourselves.. be it long or short, time is the answer. sometimes, the people around u can be ur assistant in finding the answer too..
i hope, i can be that assistant in ur life, to find out what u really want.
你很愛他
當你決定 你要離開我
我沒有說什麼 就當作你自由
有好幾次我都想挽留
苦求也沒有用 就當作是寂寞
只有我能明白 他的溫柔
對你是種解脫
只想要告訴我 誰是你的最愛
其實你很愛他 對我的懲罰
說你沒有想他 是可憐我吧
我已沒有藉口 只能放手
不能奢求 你說愛我
其實你很愛他 他很溫柔嗎
其實你很想他 就說出口吧
我已不想多說 嗚住耳朵
不想再次聽到你說 你很愛他
Sunday, November 20, 2011
it's been a long time since i'm been so sick... all kinds of illness all come together at the same time.. and worst of all, is the pain in the heart. the pain of missing someone so badly, wanting someone so badly, is even more torturous than all the physical illness...
i met my ex's colleague, and he told me he's already attached.. and all the talking brings back memories... and then he showed me a photo of them. and when i was surfing fb, i saw that the guy i used to like was tagged in one of the photos, and his gal was next to him. and the one that hit me most, is the picture of him, and her. 3 pictures, 3 guys, all in one day. for the first guy, i thought to myself: i'm happy for him. 2nd guy: whatever. 3rd guy: if he's really happy, i will be, but i'll still wish that was me w him.
i've never really ask for anything more than wad i deserve in life. i never ask for an extravagant life, or freaking good parents and siblings, best job in the world, or even all the money in the world. i always believe i'm just a gal-next-door, and i dun deserve anything more than the necessity of life. having a shelter over my head, a job good enough for me to live that's all i deserve. but sometimes, i wish that being selfless and being a giver to the people around me, i'll be able to exchange my effort for someone to love me and be by my side.
只是太爱你
原谅我真的喝醉了
因为我真的想你了
一不小心就被寂寞
吞噬了爱着你的快乐
我知道这样不应该
也知道你会受伤害
只是不想再让自己对你太过依赖
我明白 你给你爱是真实地存在
只是我不懂得如果去爱
才会让你想离开
因为我不知道
下一辈子还是否能遇见你
所以我今生才会
那么努力 把最好的给你
爱你都变成伤害你
我们的爱快要窒息
不是故意 只是太爱你
i met my ex's colleague, and he told me he's already attached.. and all the talking brings back memories... and then he showed me a photo of them. and when i was surfing fb, i saw that the guy i used to like was tagged in one of the photos, and his gal was next to him. and the one that hit me most, is the picture of him, and her. 3 pictures, 3 guys, all in one day. for the first guy, i thought to myself: i'm happy for him. 2nd guy: whatever. 3rd guy: if he's really happy, i will be, but i'll still wish that was me w him.
i've never really ask for anything more than wad i deserve in life. i never ask for an extravagant life, or freaking good parents and siblings, best job in the world, or even all the money in the world. i always believe i'm just a gal-next-door, and i dun deserve anything more than the necessity of life. having a shelter over my head, a job good enough for me to live that's all i deserve. but sometimes, i wish that being selfless and being a giver to the people around me, i'll be able to exchange my effort for someone to love me and be by my side.
只是太爱你
原谅我真的喝醉了
因为我真的想你了
一不小心就被寂寞
吞噬了爱着你的快乐
我知道这样不应该
也知道你会受伤害
只是不想再让自己对你太过依赖
我明白 你给你爱是真实地存在
只是我不懂得如果去爱
才会让你想离开
因为我不知道
下一辈子还是否能遇见你
所以我今生才会
那么努力 把最好的给你
爱你都变成伤害你
我们的爱快要窒息
不是故意 只是太爱你
Saturday, November 19, 2011
is it normal for people to say one thing and mean another? to seemingly be ok with things, but in fact it pains them deep down in their heart.. it happens to me most of the time... and it seems as though everyone is playing mind games with everyone else.. saying things they dun mean, seeing how the other party will respond and react to it.. i get that a lot, from passengers, from the people close to me, and to people i just met too... it's sad that people cannot seem to be brave enough to face the truth and express how they really feel honestly.
recently a few of my friends randomly text me and said hi, asking how am i doing.. these friends are people that i dun meet up with, but somehow once in a while i'll still be missed by them... and it feels really nice to know that somewhere out there there's someone thinking of me.. well, they may have a motive (all of them happen to be guys), but whatever the reason behind the concern, be it genuine or not, to me it's still a form of concern that i really treasure. and it's good to know that, i still have value in the market, i still appeal to people, i still make people miss the times they spent with me.
sometimes it's really not about the no. of people who cares for u, because u know it urself, u want that special someone to care for you, and that's wad matters most to u, isn't it?
Teardrops On My Guitar
Drew looks at me, I fake a smile so he won't see
That I want and I'm needing everything that we should be
I'll bet she's beautiful, that girl he talks about
And she's got everything that I have to live without
Drew talks to me, I laugh 'cause it's so damn funny
And I can't even see anyone when he's with me
He says he's so in love, he's finally got it right,
I wonder if he knows he's all I think about at night
[Chorus:]
He's the reason for the teardrops on my guitar
The only thing that keeps me wishing on a wishing star
He's the song in the car I keep singing, don't know why I do
Drew walks by me, can he tell that I can't breathe?
And there he goes, so perfectly,
The kind of flawless I wish I could be
She better hold him tight, give him all her love
Look in those beautiful eyes and know she's lucky 'cause
[Chorus]
So I drive home alone, as I turn out the light
I'll put his picture down and maybe
Get some sleep tonight
He's the reason for the teardrops on my guitar
The only one who's got enough of me to break my heart
He's the song in the car I keep singing, don't know why I do
He's the time taken up, but there's never enough
And he's all that I need to fall into.
Drew looks at me, I fake a smile so he won't see.
recently a few of my friends randomly text me and said hi, asking how am i doing.. these friends are people that i dun meet up with, but somehow once in a while i'll still be missed by them... and it feels really nice to know that somewhere out there there's someone thinking of me.. well, they may have a motive (all of them happen to be guys), but whatever the reason behind the concern, be it genuine or not, to me it's still a form of concern that i really treasure. and it's good to know that, i still have value in the market, i still appeal to people, i still make people miss the times they spent with me.
sometimes it's really not about the no. of people who cares for u, because u know it urself, u want that special someone to care for you, and that's wad matters most to u, isn't it?
Teardrops On My Guitar
Drew looks at me, I fake a smile so he won't see
That I want and I'm needing everything that we should be
I'll bet she's beautiful, that girl he talks about
And she's got everything that I have to live without
Drew talks to me, I laugh 'cause it's so damn funny
And I can't even see anyone when he's with me
He says he's so in love, he's finally got it right,
I wonder if he knows he's all I think about at night
[Chorus:]
He's the reason for the teardrops on my guitar
The only thing that keeps me wishing on a wishing star
He's the song in the car I keep singing, don't know why I do
Drew walks by me, can he tell that I can't breathe?
And there he goes, so perfectly,
The kind of flawless I wish I could be
She better hold him tight, give him all her love
Look in those beautiful eyes and know she's lucky 'cause
[Chorus]
So I drive home alone, as I turn out the light
I'll put his picture down and maybe
Get some sleep tonight
He's the reason for the teardrops on my guitar
The only one who's got enough of me to break my heart
He's the song in the car I keep singing, don't know why I do
He's the time taken up, but there's never enough
And he's all that I need to fall into.
Drew looks at me, I fake a smile so he won't see.