recently i'm overwhelmed by the number of emotions and feelings i have in me..

watched with "divergence" crystal.. glad that we are able to go back to the past.. where we are able to share with each other our feelings and opinions on things.. somehow, i became a "big boss" in the eyes of others.. well, dunno if it's a good thing or not.. gives me a strong sense of responsibilty..

then, watched "kingdom of heaven" with yixiu.. was late.. when i walked in.. it was so dark that i can't read the letters at the side of the seats to find my seat and yixiu... at that point of time i was so helpless.. i din want to disturb yixiu from the movie.. i din want to call out for her.. i just sat at the back.. looking hard at the seats... the helplessness then made me think of all the things that i've gone through so far.. thinking of the times that i felt so helpless.. thanks xiu for the movie.. thanks nelson for the treat at swensens. yes, we ate earthquake..

went to give my grandma money.. when she told me she missed me, i wanted to just break down in front of her.. she has nv said these kinda things to me.. and considering the fact that i'm born in a traditional chinese family, i was shocked and touched. she held me hand to her heart, and told me she missed me, she missed my dad, she feels lonely.. is that how an elderly feels? then why am i already sharing the same feelings with her?

ma shared with me a little part of her conversation with pa after dad left on friday. she cried. i wanted to.. but i didn't. i swear nv to cry in front of her.. but i could hold on to my feelings no more when night falls... lonely nights are what me, ma and grandma seems to be going through..

yesterday was ah ma's 7th year death anniversary, according to the lunar calendar. i remember 7 years ago i was having my listening exam on a saturday. got a call from pa to school, saying he'll fetch me from sch immediately after my exam. that was the last time i talked to her. i was never close to her in the first place. but somehow she always gives me the impression of her as a very benevolent grandmother..

for the first time.. i can say in my whole life.. or at least from the time i can tell right from wrong.. ah gong talked to me. always when i visit him, i'll greet him, he'll have no reaction. before i leave i let him know, he'll just look over. yesterday, 7th may 2005, ah gong for the first time took the initiative to talk to me. he asked me about my studies, my sch, my course, my dad, his travelling schedule to and fro indo, my brother's sch, my sister's job... i was touched for the secong time in the week, touched by my grandparents.. for once, i can talk to him face to face and he knows my presence in his house.. i thought he has so many grandchildren, great grandchildren, that he would not know that i was around. before i left, he even asked me to study hard..

today is mothers' day. sis, bro and i wrote ma a card, and i also wrote in for pa the things he want to say to ma. every year, on this day, she'll read the card that we give her, with our msg to her, she'll tear. this year, she not only tear but cry. she told me no one will ever know how she feel whenever she fetches jie or pa to the airport and fetch them home. suddenly i feel the responsibility to take care of the family. she is not the motivation, the emotions that are involved are.. so much so that even while working today.. nearing knocking off time.. i was still sweeping the floor with all my heart.. laying the chopsticks nicely.. when i always will wait for time to pass with my colleagues..

i dunno how to describe the feeling i'm experiencing now.. it's not the first time.. but.. always..