"就是这种无所谓对自己很随便的态度，才会让别人把自己很随便的给糟蹋掉，变成一个可有可无的朋友."

one of my friend said that to me.. and i wonder: is it really me? being easy on the things i eat, the things i wear, the things we do... main aim is just to please the majority.. it's not that i dun have a mind of my own, i just want to please everybody..

oh well, no point trying to explain why i'm easy with things right? if my friends are my friends, they'll accept me for who i am.

went to watch a movie tonight w ah jo... really thankful for her company... movie has never really been my thing... until i met my first bf... he loves to watch movies.. and the channel is almost always tuned to HBO or star movie when he's in china.. and in sg, he'll always pull me along to watch movies.. then slowly, i began to love watching movie. i began to love the feeling of being in the dark, cos no one can see u cry, no one will care if u have something on ur face, no one will scrutinize u...

then, after the breakup, i lost touch w the movie world. i lock myself in my little world, retreat to my little shell.. and was there till i met someone who inspired me.

and then i begin to start watching movie again with this special friend. and the feeling came back. the comfortable, warm feeling of having someone u are used to sitting next to u in the cinema.. until this special friend begin to drift away, just like many other friends of mine.

slowly but surely, i seem to be falling back into my little world, my little shell... thank god for the few friends who are still standing by me.. for the few friends who still cares.

i guess music is really a tool that brings one's mood to the extreme.. u can be super high w music, and yet be super emo too.. and for me, emo always seems to supersede the other extreme.

the song i submitted for competition didn't get into finals.. as expected. and somehow, with that failure, everything else doesn't seem to be going smoothly for me too.. i mean, i'm happy enough that my song got into semi finals, considering the fact that i'm really new to all this song writing stuff.. and i'm really happy some of my friends are there to support me and give me the encouragement before, during and after the competition. something someone with super low self-esteem like me needs badly.

just when i thought things are changing for the better, i realise it may not be what i expected it to be.. i have found my passion in music, learning more about song writing with my song writer friends and self learning guitar.. the self satisfaction when i finish writing a song, filling in the lyrics, singing it over and over again to myself, in front of the mirror, singing it to my friends, getting their comments on my song.. the whole process is just so self satisfying.. and so fulfilling.

but, nothing is perfect, particularly life. just when i thought i found a friend who may be the inspiration of my life, which he still is, somehow it just seems like all direct connections are lost, and i'm left hanging on my own again. i lost the enthusiasm i had when i first got inspired by him, and i lost the drive to do things.

it's just sad that friends come and go in ur life, and u will never which are the friends that will stay with u forever in life. some of them might be people that u just brush pass everyday, or dun like at the very first sight, or may be really close for the first 6 months of ur friendship.. nevertheless, i always believe in treating ur friends wholeheartedly. i go all out for my friends, not knowing if they will be the ones that will stay as my friends forever, but i'll rather do my best in maintaining the friendship than risking the chance of losing them as a life long friend.

friends forever, people always say. but, does it really happen? i wonder.