had the movies under the stars on friday.. the dark clouds were threatening us before the show.. and then it drizzled, so everyone had to move to the lt for the 1st movie "50 first dates". went to sat at the amphitheatre with xiu wen in the rain.. caught a bit of cold.. then went back to the lt.. watch a bit.. dunno what's going on.. went out.. ate cup noodles.. move everything back to the amphitheatre after the sky was cleared.. watched love actually.. had a good laugh...
BCS excel test.. got 14.5/15.. first time get so high.. but, it's just a stupid test.. so what's the point.. worked at OG people's park on sat and sun... was sooo boring... lucky on sunday glen and melvin came down and find me.. was so touched by that.. came down to have lunch with me.. so nice to have known them.. hardly ever get to meet friends like them..
'nua' at the sports complex before going for the interview for the changi youth ambassador.. in grps of 6... think i did okie.. hope can be a CYA.. read a testimonial that wanshi wrote to me.. she actually remembers me.. i actually made an impact in her life.. when i read that testimonial, i cried.. i nv expect people to remember me after i leave TKGS.. i nv expect people to remember a small huiyi that was once in 4e9, in the choir... din study much...
met mich and van at the airport to study today.. moved from mac to BK.. nice to have friends like that.. to be able to study together.. and chat about anything under the sun.. just realise that.. hey, i've got friends after all... everytime i daze when studying, it's because i want to remember that very moment.. when we were sitting where we were, just enjoying each other's presence.. was worried if i was extra.. just like in pri sch.. then chat in msn.. they wanted me to go sch do something.. so joked up some excuses to not make me go their house.. then, realise that, this same incident actually happened before in pri 6.. me being pushed around by people whom i dunno whether to call friends or not.. the unwanted feeling came back.. and that incident cause me to change.. really change.. it's not about the decision made, it's about how i make the decision.. it's tough.. really tough.. was kinda crying like at.. 1 plus in the middle of the night?? stupid me.. no wonder people dun like me.. cos i'm a stupid gal.. literally.. i'm trying to change.. trying to.. and hopefully i did.. god, bless all of whom i call friends.. bless my family.. bless me.. cos.. i'm sneezing again... this song playing goes out to all my TB050 friends, esp alvin lau, alvin chai, grace, jen peng, alison, liza, jelena.. u guys really made me feel important.. although it might be tough at times.. i manage to pull through.. with the help of u guys.. thanx so much... nv thought that we'd have gone through so much in just 3+ months.. also.. not forgetting my IG friends.. karin, avril, crystal, gavin, michelle and yi xiu.. thanx for being there.. last but not least, van, u are one special one.. grateful to all that has made a difference in my life.. thank you all.. thank you..

Remember Me This Way

Every now and then
we find a special friend
Who never lets us down
Who understands it all
Reaches out each time you fall
You're the best friend that I've found
I know you can't stay
But a part of you will never ever go away
Your heart will stay

I'll make a wish for you
And hope it will come true
That life will just be kind
To such a gentle mind
If you lose your way
Think back on yesterday
Remember me this way
Remember me this way

I don't need eyes to see
The love you bring to me
No matter where I go
And I know that you'll be there
For ever more a part of me you're everywhere
I'll always care

I'll make a wish for you
And hope it will come true
That life will just be kind
To such a gentle mind
If you lose your way
Think back on yesterday
Remember me this way
Remember me this way

And I'll be right behind your shoulder watching you
I'll be standing by your side in all you do
And I won't ever leave as long as you believe
You just believe...

CHorus:I'll make a wish for you
And hope it will come true
That life will just be kind
To such a gentle mind
And if you lose your way
Think back on yesterday
Remember me this way
Remember me this way

have been so busy to blog these days.. shall i start from thursday?.. ok.. here goes..

thursday: had comm skills test... was okie.. but din manage to finish the paper... cos din have calculator.. so was trying to remember my maths formulas and all... chiong bcs and travel geog before going home for dinner.. dad came back today!!! was pinning for him to return for so long already... dad, i love u!! although we're not close at all.. but still... i love you!!!

friday: met in the morning to rush to finish up econs portfolio.. got asked about the article that i din do.. wah.. lucky alvin chai explained to me bout it just before the q&a session.. if not ah... die.. lol.. went to lab 8 to print my excel project.. then travel geog.. was waiting for liza to finish her peer appraisal and ffb test.. then gavin and friends came into our lab to print his excel project.. he was kinda frustrated, cos it's past the submission time le then he still cannot print after running to so many labs.. in the end michelle and i manage to print out for him...

sat: IVP track and field championship.. was the time keeper... was definitely a better and easier job than being a position judge.. reached school at 7am.. did project till 11am.. IVP till 7pm.. went to ma's friend house till 10 plus.. woah.. tired like siao man.. then was trying to do the justification for the ala carte menu on the bus.. zzz...

sunday: terry fox run!!! woke up at 4 plus.. but actually din really sleep... was piaing ffb all the night.. then reached habourfront at 6.... zzzz... was so tired.. got pushed by so many runners as they chiong to run.. lucky michelle was there to pull me out.. =) then din noe where to go after our duty.. followed yi xiu and gavin out of sentosa.. then decided to go back to palawan beach to look for alvin and gang.. but waited for one and half hour they still not there... then nvm... saw jasmine and leigh.. took the monorail.. then send leigh off.. then took monorail again to cable car station and took cable car with jasmine to harbourfront...took mrt and went to the airport... only at night then i start to pia ffb again... din sleep again... =(

monday: went for intro lec in the morning then tmtpt... jackie ong gave sweet!! haha.. she says it is to thank us for our participation... after that is chiong ffb all the way again... was in the lab all the while with gavin's group.. mark gave some tips on the presentation to both grps.. and was kinda stressed up by the whole marketing grp... stayed till around 10... tired... din sleep... again!!!

tuesday: a kanchiong spider day for me... got scolded by ma early in the morning for what also i dunno.. spoil my whole day.. comm skills meeting.. econs lec.. bcs.. and then chiong!!! everyone left earlier.. at nine plus... but at night i was really piaing like xiao.. my whole bed, table floor was full of books and papers.. pia... till nv sleep... *shag*

wed: the big day!! every gal in my group wore a pink spagetti strip inside.. and YQ wore pink shirt with red tie.. not bad looking as a whole for our grp's presentation.. met at 8... then did visual.. speech and last min stuff.. got praised by alvin tan for our dress code.. and visuals.. after that made announcement on the CYA, end sem trip and movies under the star... then took class and grp pic with alvin tan... then before i can remind the class to get the forms from me and all, all left... i felt so helpless... not being able to catch the class's attention and being rushed to hand up the forms... dunno what happen to me... left the room to cool down, then got pulled back by liza.. somehow something triggered.. and i finally broke down.. din know what was happening to me.. i just kept crying... *sorry if i scared u all guys..* thanks to lovers grp, i manage to get the names of those who are interested in the activities and also the money.. thanx guys.. luv u all... did com skills after that then changed into casual for IG tea reception... had a great talk with mr alvin tan, mr ram, mr low, ms ivy tan, ms jackie and some other lecturers.. they were really funny... making fun of each other.. the lecturers i mean... had a great dinner and chit chat session with michelle and gavin.. then took a bus home with michelle... although the major project is over.. i seem to already got used to not sleeping... that i lay on my bed from 1.. but only manage to sleep at 3...

thursday: today got no lesson.. but went to sch still to study and also to do com skills... alvin was also with allie and i studying in the library... well.. happy birthday allie!! feeling happy today... thank you......

was rushing about like xiao on monday... had ffb meeting in the morning.. then tmtpt test (which is screwed), then intro lec, ffb meeting, sub com meeting, IG meeting.. din have time to rest and all.. was kinda shagg.. but lucky got go opp sch to have dinner.. if not i dun think i would be eating that night...

econs lec, made publicity on the end sem trip and the CYA thing... but doesn't seem to have much of a response... the mr seah doesn't know hoe to operate the projector, neither do i.. so, depending on my memory, i just verbally publicize about the end sem trip.. sigh.. bcs, then made my way down to lucky plaza to exchange ma's desktop charger for a earphone for crystal.. din noe what to exchange for at first, but crystal was kind enough to want to buy the earphone from me for 20 bucks.. although a loss, at least not a great loss... crystal, you're the best!!! took a bus back to tampines to meet crystal.. was suppose to shop for something.. but couldn't get anything nice.. in the end empty handed home.. but nevertheless, with a heavy stomach.. crystal's friend, crystal and i went to billy bombers to have dinner... the food there damn ex.. but the serving was damn huge... couldn't finish... felt so bad... cos her friend treat us to the meal, which adds up to be 70 bucks!!! wow... couldn't believe it man... out of 3 pieces of fish.. i only manage to finish one and a half of it.. sigh.. nice setting of the restaurant though... =)

was kinda hyper today.. came to sch at 9.. met cyn at 10.. did ffb project till 2.. we went down to look for liza after the meeting... then got kinda hyper.. that i ran up 5 fifth level.. with HJ chasing me... dunno for what also.. crazy... made a call before comm skills.. while panting like xiao.. haha.. rushed to tampines safra for an interview for a job at sakura.. pay starts at 4.50.. now considering whether to take the job or not if i got through the interview... it's kinda low... well.. think bout this another time.. worse come to worse find another job lor... met benny to get from him the sample menu and menu planning book.. then passed gavin the card before making my way home.. was really tired.. although i was got onto the bus for less than 5 mins, i was dozing off already... just finished my peer appraisal.. still got online reflection to do!!! argh!! and haven study for comm skills yet... shit lah.. so many things to do!!! but.. life is beautiful...

things are changing and moving real fast.. i'm back to where i started, metro paragon.. the people there still recognises me.. and treats me so much better than the og ppl, plus, the music is nicer.. went to sch for the business sports day.. suppose to cheer for the htm ppl.. but only boon and xiuwen turned up.. crystal and gavin were the participants.. but long jump was cancelled last min.. so gavin sort of came from the west all the way to sch for nothing.. feeling kinda unfair for him.. then he, boon, mark and another guy got pulled to join the 4*100m race.. but in the end dunno what happened, all get into the finals without competing... quite stupid.. then the thing to mark the start of the race was so soft that some runners start late cos they can't hear.. kinda stupid... this is so far the worst sports day that i've ever attended... went for lunch with boon and gavin.. then took a train with gavin to paragon for work while he went home.. really nice to be back at paragon.. my clique is working there too.. din expect to see her.. went for break together with her bf.. was really envious at the both of them.. from the time he was just a close friend of hers.. to a loving bf of hers.. and she tells me that she's been with him for the longest period of time in a her relationship.. is this the time where people become more mature and think more about their life? although i was standing at my counter alone throughout the whole afternoon and night.. something in my heart was telling me that i was nv alone.. that something is very strong.. that kept me smiling the whole day.. even when i doze off on the bus.. saw my friend.. she said i was smiling in my sleep.. did i dream of things that i forsee that kept me smiling even in my sleep..? haha.. think only u and i will noe the ans...

why do i feel so weak recently...??

Tuesday: went for econs in the morning.. then went out with shawn in the afternoon... beginning to feel that, life is not so bad afterall.. there are people actually caring for me..

Wednesday: really tired.. went for IVP track and field.. the 2 events were the 10km run for men and 3km run for women. i was suppose to report to all runners that no. of round they have left. and the person helping me to take down the position is an old man.. in the end, i told the wrong thing to one of the runners, and he sort of shouted at me.. was kinda fed up with the old man then decided to forget it. i joined siok and cyn at the gallery. that runner then suddenly came up to me and say sorry for shouting at me just now.. felt really guilty.. i mean i was in the wrong.. giving him the wrong info.. but he came and apologise for shouting at me instead.. God has finally answered my prayers.. but whether or not this is the right time, no one can be sure of it.. but i certainly hope that things will turn out well.. for so long.. the feeling is finally coming back...

Thursday: was really chionging like crazy.. rick called me and asked me to go back for oga for one more week.. later he called again to say no need.. cos wagon kept already.. sigh.. think it's time for me to get another job.. had dinner at suntec with linda, joey and benny.. before meeting them, the singer grp ENERGY hi five with me.. haha... i was just standing there.. being a kaypo.. then it all just happened.. had a great dinner with linda and gang.. realised that i haven touched BCS and haven done my intro reflection.. and by the time i settled down.. 12 plus one.. did my intro first.. then did some other work.. thank you for staying up till so late with me.. i dunno what to say to thank u for all that u've done for me.. in the end.. slept at 4 plus.. had a nice dream...

Friday: had to wake up early for ffb lec.. sch was in a blackout in the morning.. but everything in the LT is working, except for the aircon.. it was quite hot in te Lt.. and while watching the video on food contamination.. i think i slept after watching the first part of the video.. then din have the heart or attention to listen during econs.. we were released early.. then went to the library to study with jelena.. had some women talk.. and then got ready for TG.. do.. do.. do.. until we forgot about the tmtpt.. and in the end we handed in the tmtpt slides after 7 plus.. so stupid... hopefully ms jackie wouldn't minus marks for it.. during the BCS test.. was actually observing the people around me.. how they look when they're serious.. when they're thinking.. and i made me wonder if people will ever notice me.. after the test.. dunno what dot into me.. i fell at my head hit the armrest of the chair.. so pain.. my right knee also got injured by the armrest.. that's one.. then after meeting.. rick called again.. asking me to station at metro paragon for this weekend.. dunno if i should go for the sports day.. really wanna work full tml to earn back my money.. but i want to give my support to people who care.. so decided to sacrifice my working time to cheer for htm.. as long as i'm at metro before 6.. i think it'll be alright.. left my bus pass in the 69 bus.. then called tampines interchange to ask them to help me lookout for it.. went to have a bite at mac before going up to grandma's. sat for a while, then made my way to the tampines interchange to get back my card.. when i reach there, still have to wait for a while before getting back my belongings.. but the time everything is settled and done, i reached home at around 10 plus.. suppose to feel a load of my shoulder.. but still feel that there's a lot of things pushing me down.. but now i know.. there'll always be someone supporting me... standing by me..

what's wrong with me today?? woke up with a killing headache.. had online discussion for tmtpt at home.. then met sarah and crystal at tm mac for lunch.. had a good chit chat before rushing to sch for project.. for some reason or another, i was the only stupid one waiting for everybody at the secret garden when everyone else was in the library.. and i stupidly waited from 230 to 330.. idiot right? din called them to ask as liza said she might be late.. then YQ also.. and i remember that i did mention about meeting at secret garden.. then going into the lab at a later part of the meeting.. then only cyn appeared.. if she hadn't called the rest.. i think it'll just be cyn and i.. so stupid.. feel so shit.. and irritated.. and quite pissed.. dunno why.. sort of dread going for meeting nowadays.. is it just me?? hope things will change... left meeting early for IG meeting.. is in the games comm for the IG retreat with gavin, avril and crystal... i like the combi.. lolx.. everyone at the IG meeting said i looked pale and tired and shagged... the killing headache was still around even in the evening... almost fell on the stairs on the LT while doing my duty.. twice... boon, crystal, gavin, avril and others were like asking if i was ok and stuff.. was really touched by their concern.. think no one has ever treated me with such care and concern.. making sure that i dun fall, or miss my steps, or even stepping in the puddle of water.. making sure that i'm ok almost every 15 mins... was so touched that i actually teared in the bus, thinking about the day.. was quite blur bout everything they talked about... maybe it's my headache.. it's like pounding in my head... went for dinner opp sch with sarah, crystal, boon, avril, karin, leigh, gavin, and fagan joining us at a later time.. it was such a heart warming dinner.. everyone sitting together.. all making sure that i can reach my food.. it's like a big family.. so nice... love blossomed.. (all the best!!) almost got into a car accident.. was crossing the road when i was horned by a car.. which i din even notice.. the road was clear.. dunno where did the car appear from also.. close shave..

REFLECTION
Look at me
You may think you see
Who I really am
But you'll never know me
Every day It's as if I play a part
Now I see If I wear a mask
I can fool the world
But I cannot fool my heart
Who is that girl I see
Staring straight back at me?
When will my reflection show
Who I am inside?
I am now In a world where I
Have to hide my heart
And what I believe in
But somehow I will show the world
What's inside my heart
And be loved for who I am
Who is that girl I see
Staring straight back at me?
Why is my reflection
Someone I don't know?
Must I pretend that I'm
Someone else for all time?
When will my reflection show
Who I am inside?
There's a heart that must be Free to fly
That burns with a need to know The reason why
Why must we all conceal
What we think, how we feel?
Must there be a secret me I'm forced to hide?
I won't pretend that I'm
Someone else for all time
When will my reflection show
Who I am inside?
When will my reflection show
Who I am inside?

updates on the week..
wednesday: ivp road race championship... went as event official again, with cynthia and siok.. and got touched by 53 guys and 38 gals.. haha.. cos i was the postion judge, which was suppose to give the no. tags to them when they come back... and my right hand was scratched.. pulled.. tagged.. and polluted with 91 different sweat... lolx.. siok and cyn kept avoiding touching my hand.. but in the end still can't run away from it.. haha..
thursday: realised that tmtpt dateline is pushed back to next friday.. so a heavy load of my back.. dun have to rush for it.. then went to watch liza practise for track till 9 plus.. nice wind.. i like the atmosphere there.. perhaps i'll study there at night one of these days.. so soothing.. so relaxing.. so refreshing.. saw my pri sch friend, jeremy, and he asked for my no, using samuel as an excuse.. stupid..
friday: grace, JP and alvin lau went to ecp.. i'm so envious.. not jealous.. just envious.. envious of them being able to enjoy themselves.. while i'm pulled back.. that i cannot relax.. that i keep worrying about things.. that my life sucks.. got no travel geog.. so waited for the IG investiture to start from 3-5... reflected bout my life during that period of time.. what's happening? i'm sinking into a depression state.. a state where i feel no drive in my life.. a state where i'm back to where i started.. investiture was bad.. the HTMIG sub-com had no seats to sit for all.. only 7 seats available.. all of them wanted to leave.. only i wanted to stay.. then the rest stayed becos of me.. felt so bad.. i wanted to watch the main com get their cert.. i wanted to be there for them.. but i indirectly made the whole sub-com joined me.. sort of unwillingly.. shit me.. went for dinner with some of the HTMIG ppl and shaun chong.. cliqued quite well with yixiu.. laughing all the way throughout the whole night.. laughing at every small details... like i said during the HTMIG interview... i laugh out loud to relieve stress.. but when i laughed yesterday.. i was actually laughing at myself.. for trying so hard to fit into everything.. trying to make everyone like me.. trying to make everything work out well.. trying... had dinner at tampines BK and took a bus home with shaun..
sat: work.. trying to make myself busy all the time.. running in and out of the storeroom.. doing everything that i can do.. trying to not get any chance for me to stop and think about anything... i need life... God, save me..