finally, i'm done with all presentations and major projects.. leaving me more time to think about things that i've been trying to avoid...

i realise that i'm back to the past, where i feel myself being a burden to others. just by my actions, explaining the reasons behind them to redeem myself seem to be a rather tough job for me... that's y i choose to just keep quiet..

i must admit, i treasure friendship alot, therefore taking almost every single thing that they say about me seriously. it might be a point for me to change for the better, or for me to think about. however, things said by some often hurt me without their knowledge.. i wun tell u that it hurts, cos i dun want another person to be unhappy, esp because of me..

now, i'm just super worried for movies under the stars... people that i thought would support me didn't, and on my side, response is not that good, worrying the hell out of me.. this project is xiuwen's, not mine. i played a part in helping her along the way, i dun want to see this project pulling her morale and confidence in handling projects down. she's really capable, so pls give her a chance to prove herself...

with eyes, we can choose to see what we want to see and what we dun. for example, if i dun like this person, i can pretend that she's not walking in front of me so that i dun have to talk to her. well, in this case, i'd rather be blind, for i will not be able to see people that makes me jealous and envious, and people that make me feeling so confused and happy and upset all at the same time. so, being blind is not a very bad thing actually..

tml's the city tour.. and mine's in the morning.. and i dun wanna go home before my work.. and sad to say, i can't find a friend, even a hi bye one to just hang out with me in the afternoon... just my affinity with people is really bad.. guess, i chose the wrong course.. tml, i'll be back to my lonely world..

dun worry, life is not that bad. as nic says, god is fair. and i choose to believe, for now..

it has been one week since i decided to give it up.. however the mind say to let go, the heart doesn't allow it to.. all i can say is that hopes are given and broken, but all memories will stay deep in my heart..

was really a pinch in my heart when i see the couples dining in waraku.. well.. i'm not envious, but happy for them...

projects has been driving me nuts.. multi tasking all the time.. making me superly exhausted.. plus the standing i have to do for open house on heels. all three days, i helped out at the chatroom. it's not a compulsory thing for me to be there all the time, but somehow the commitment level that i have to IG makes me wanna do it. the mind can't stop worrying about things if i'm not there..

speaking about the open house, i'm rather happy to be able to speak to juniors about my course. and also meeting people who are more enthusiastic about entering the course than i am being in this course. but i must say, this course brings me to a stage of my life where i've nv been through before.

and, i spoke to this gal who approached me, asking if i was in the banana club.. shocked and surprised, i asked her how she knows of it. and it so happens that she has the time in the world to look through her friend's friend's friend's friend's blog and read all the friend's blog that is linked to each other and read about it and went to find my friendster.. freaky that people will do such a thing but hey, banana club is famous!!

having fun is one thing, and being lonely is another.. looking at people with their partners, and looking at people with their best friend around them all the time, ya, i feel lonely. i certainly dun lack of friends, cos a lot of them say they are my friends, but i lack of a person who can be there for me almost everytime i need him or her to be there for me..

i've been feeling kinda in my own world this whole week.. i certainly hope it's not that something that is hindering me.. got my evaluation from my manager henny-san today... said that i'm ok in all aspect of the job, better than the gal that came in with me.. except the smiling part.. i know, in the service line, must always smile, cannot let personal matters affect mood... i know.. this is why i join HTM, to learn to smile..

i feel like a total idiot. walking around teh house, trying out all available coms and laptop to do my project and work. and that freakin rafflesian hogs on the good condition com playing his stupid game. immature. and i'm warning you again, STOP LOOKING DOWN ON ME!!!!!!!!! i've bear with you for a very very long time, and to think i care about you the most at home. asshole. i may be more stupid than you, more computer illiterate than you, but that doesn't give you a reason to dispise me, YOUR SISTER, you jerk@!!!

my back has been sprained for more than 2 weeks, i'm runnning a fever, i'm not feeling too good this week, but no one seem to care.. and you have to add on the problems to me. freak shit. no matter which position my body is in, my back will ache like shit. working is not s enjoyable anymore, having to bear the pain and do all the tough job, just because i'm of a bigger build.

stop making use of me, everyone. i'm really tired. i'm really disappointed that when i need someone to talk to or to console me, you are the first one to be the wet blanket, always, without fail.. i give up.

after 17 years of celebrating chinese new year, i think i can come to a conclusion: boring. it's the same procedure every year, doing the same thing, trying to be as poise, people trying to compare with each other behind their smile.. wad a hypocrite world.

i have a lot of things to do.. but i just dunno where to start from or when to set my mind to focus on the things that needs to be done.

my wishlist from very long time ago: LAPTOP. this is one thing that i've been yearning for, telling my mom about it to make her get the hint.although i offered to pay it all by myself thru instalment, it was still a no. i'm not trying to be greedy or anything, but i want to have a sense of belongingness. my whole room, practically less than 1/2 the things are mine. even the things i bring to sch, wear to sch... most of them are not mine.. somehow this might be the reason why i feel inferior to people. even people who seem less well off than me and said they wanna get something that's quite ex already got them all..

jealousy comes in again. it's funny how this word can actually spoil the friendship between people.

why is it that things are said at this point of time? it's good, i clear my misunderstanding towards certain people, got to know what certain people think of me.. but there are things that i just cannot say.. sorry... i feel guilty towards the both of you.. really sorry..

got to see another chinese family which is super different from mine.. why? why are people's family so cozy, so open and have freedom of speech, so warm, so understanding.. i really felt like crying on the car.. can someone just enlighten me on the importance of family? somehow the feeling is just not the same.. i want to feel not lonely, i dun wan to be a scary person, i want to be happy.. can u help me?

sometimes things just doesn't go our way, however hard we try to change things.. pretty glad that there might be a little improvement to this matter, and that the feeling is moving..

felt kinda helpless looking at things happening and me not being able to help.. i seriously dunno wad i can do to improve the situation.. you are not sharing ur problems with me, indulging yourself in drunkness, making a mess out of ur life..

do all who are of our age undergo such a tough time of our lives? Olympics allowed me to control my temper, allow more people to know me, broadening my circle of friends, thus achieving the purpose of being in the IG, to make friends. i'm sorry to all that i've hurt, i'm sorry..

i'm not sure since when but i've been feeling extraordinarily tired these few days.. packed with IG commitments, projects, work.. gosh.. last but not least, brain packed with that stupid matter that has been bothering me since last year..

nicholas suddenly becamemy consultant, and i'm thankful for him. thanx for being there when i need someone to give me advice on certain matters... and thanx xiu for being my listening ear, willing to spend time with me and hear me talk things out...

olympics was great.. really din expect to see someone close to me get hurt in front of me.. feeling really guilty that the first thing on my mind wasn't whether u were alright or not.. i'm so sorry..

being misunderstood really sucks.. esp when here i am trying to create a good impression of myself, there you are rubbing my wound on my heart... it hurts.. it really hurts...

being a first aider in sec and pri sch is really different from being a first aider in poly.. in my junior years, people tend to listen to me, watch me attend to the person, as i have the knowledge to all these... however here, i'm currently under a seriously huge amount of pressure. people who hold superior roles giving instructions who to attend to, how to apply the medication, plus with the limitation of supply and with only one of me.. i'm expected to be there immediately someone gets injured or got kicked or got cramp or some things that i can do nothing about. instead of helping, some where making fun of the fact that i'm so busy with my job, asking how was business, laughing when someone got injured, happily shouting for medic medic..

if u think it's an easy job, would u like to take over me? i'll gladly give up my only worth of value in the IG to u and let u be in charge of everything and everything.. u want it, u get it. you want him, u get him. is god really fair?? please be my judge and tell me your verdict...

pressing for time, so god, please allow time to move slower... so that i can slow down the time left to the day that i decides to give up...