Third post of the year, and this time w a lot more emotions and thoughts in my mind.

I just got back from a yoga retreat, something which I never thought I'll ever do in my life. I was never a person who was involved in sports, and all of a sudden gym, watching diet and all come into place. At first I believe it was just s self conscious act, not wanting to look bigger than I already am. But after this yoga retreat, something hit me. I begin to realize that keeping fit and all, not only works the body, but the mind as well. It's taxing on the body and mind for this whole retreat, it was so powerful that I was actually getting emotional and fighting to hold my tears back when I couldn't get the pose right. And it wasn't the pain that was causing the welling up in my eyes, but the fight between my mind and body, one wanting to just give up and another fighting to keep me going. I'm just so glad that my mind won the fight, and made me a stronger person now, physically and mentally.

There was a part of the retreat when we had a group sharing session. Everyone picks a piece of paper from a bag, each containing a negative word and we are suppose to share our experience or thoughts about the word that we got. And my word was HATE. The moment i saw the word, my tears just flow uncontrollably. I hated myself for the longest time. Hated myself for being born in a family where I didn't feel appreciated when I was younger, hated myself for who I am because of how people judge me, hated myself for being me. But I guess over time, i learn how to overcome it by being appreciative. Appreciate life as it is, appreciate the people around me, appreciate the things that I experience, and appreciate myself for being the independent, strong me that I can be.

Maybe it doesn't matter if no ones seems to understands me. Or maybe it doesn't matter if no one seems to appreciate me. Maybe it's ok to feel lonely at times. Maybe it's not so sad after all. And maybe all I need is some encouragement and a hug along the way to give me that little push in my life, to know that everything will be ok, everything will be fine. 

after 3.5 years, i finally met him again. it came as a shock to me. and i was totally unprepared for this. emotions overwhelmed me. i couldnt sleep, i couldnt eat properly, i couldnt think. all that was in my mind was memories of us back then. our happy days.

when the time came to finally meet him again proper, i was so so so nervous. my heart was beating so fast i swear it could have stopped anytime. it wasnt too bad after all, really it wasnt. in fact, it was that familiar feeling, that comfortable companion feel that i get, all over again. i really enjoyed catching up with him, and was really surprised that he could remember some of the little details about my life. it's either he has a damn good memory, if not, i hold a place in his heart, important enough for him to remember things about my life. and i chose to believe it's the latter.

i texted him, thanking him for dinner. and i got a reply. "it was nice wasnt it? be good now, till the next time. sweet dreams." and that was the last i hear from him.

i dunno wad has gotten into me, but this has affected me quite a bit. my emotions are all stirred up once again, and it makes no sense to people around me if i start to emo about him again now, besides that very day that i saw him, so my only option is to keep to myself, and share my thoughts here.

it has only been four days, but i am still so so affected. after all these years, i still chose to believe, everything happens for a reason. and right now, i really wish i knew the reason behind this. 

the year started with so many news of death... all are loved ones of my friends. all in their 20s. how vulnerable life can be. those who wanna live dun have a choice, and yet there are those who choose to end their life just like that.

i used to have this selfish thought too. i used to think, life is so meaningless, might as well be better off dead. no aim, no goal, nothing to look forward to. though i still think 早死早好 is good, i wouldnt end my life on purpose. to those people who have a group of friends they always hang out with, family who are very closely attached to each other, i envy them.

no doubt everyone around me may think that i have a lot of friends, but not being in any clique makes a lot of difference in my social life as compared to others who are. being in cliques, everyone makes an effort to gather on festive seasons, special occasions, frequent meetups, always in touch w each other. for me, i spend every xmas, every countdown, every birthday, all with different groups of people. somehow, i dun feel like i belong anywhere. i am like a "guest starring" in every clique. and "guest starring" i use is just to make it sound nice.

maybe it's the nature of my job, or maybe it's just me. sometimes i enjoy being alone, but most of the time when i say i do, i'm just saying so to convince myself it's ok to be alone. if not, days are hard to pass, life is hard to get by. being away from home all the time makes it worse.

i know there are people who might be concerned about me, and i am really thankful for them. no one will know and understand how much it means for someone like me to have friends who care. i treasure friendship, and appreciate people who knows i do. that is why it is so hard for my to reject help from my friends, even if i know i am just being used. that is why i will do all that i can and go all out for my friends, even if i know i will not be appreciated in the end. because at the end of the day, i know, even if i really lose this friend, i have done my best to salvage this friendship, conscious clear.

having said that, i believe everyone that i meet in my life cross my path for a reason, one way or another. because i believe, everything happens for a reason, and this belief and faith will help me stay strong. 

another 3 months have passed... and lots have been thought through and been through.

my brother has settled down in LA.. adjusting to the culture, place, people perfectly. i'm really glad that he's doing well over that, his rowing, his studies, his social life. proud to have him as my little brother, the tall, mature, kind, smart little brother of mine.

life for me has been a lot less hectic.. i spend my free time watching drama, listening to music, and chilling at Hood. i frequent there, not only becos of the live bands, but also becos i know, there'll always be someone i know whenever i go there, always will feel safe and not having to worry about not having people to take care of me.

but somehow, something is missing.. it feels like, something big has been taken out from my heart and it feels empty. maybe it's a sign of aging, but a lot of reminiscing has been done for the past few months.. about the 1st him, 2nd him, and the few potentials that cross my path in life...

maybe it's becos there are a handful that got married, got pregnant, got attached, got divorced and a handful that fell out of love, and all these things happening to the people around me that made me think about life a bit more than usual.

i guess in life, having its ups and downs, it's inevitable to have mixed feelings about things or people. but ultimately, i feel, i've learnt, that we should always love ourself more and build up the confidence in ourself. i always believe, one day, i will find the one who will not care if i'm rich or poor, pretty or ugly. he'll love me forever, cherish me and care for me always. 

2 months away from blogging... now i'm back...

have been really busy prepping for my performance for a song writing competition, attending nail care lessons, attending courses offered by my company.. busy till i have no time to rest, busy till i have no me time.

but that's good in a way i guess.. having things to occupy my time... enriching my life...

wad impacted me the most was last night. people who said they'll come and support me didn't come. instead, my mom came. i was surprised when my dad told me to get 3 tickets instead of 2. having my brother and dad to come and support me, i was already very very touched. and when i heard that my mom was coming, it made me even more nervous, but yet, i had the drive to wanna perform my best to show her and make her proud of me.

she is one special mom that has never step foot onto any of my schools before. other than my graduation from SIA training school, she's never attended any of my meet-the-parent sessions, or any of my graduations. so when i heard she was coming to support me, i was really touched. the feeling i had was more than words can say.

maybe my sis's wedding really brought my family closer than ever. everyone will make effort to meet more regularly for meals, my mom made effort to go for a chinese musical which is so not her style, just so it can be a family thing. and she made effort to come watch me perform on stage. it means a lot. but it's saddening that my brother is leaving in 2 days time for states for 4 years, and i am unable to send him off cos i'll be flying off again tmr.

only consoling thing, i'll be flying to LA to find my brother and mom next week... and hopefully every month in future... cos i'll really really miss my little brother.. missing him already.

"吃醋是因为我喜欢你，生气是因为我在乎你，发呆是因为我想你，伤心只是因为我不想失去你。是不是等我 离开了，你才会感动？如果真的到了那样的一天，我还是希望你有一点点的难过，一点点的失落，一点点的 想我，只要有一点点关于我的记忆就好，真的只要一点点就好。"

was going through my documents in my comp, and came across this doc called "unspoken thoughts". opened it, and realized it was a document that has all my thoughts penned down whenever i was feeling down, a few months back.

the phrase above was one of my many thoughts... and looking back, though it felt bitter at that point of time, it somehow puts a smile on my face. i guess the smile means, i'm glad i had that memory.

i'm a goner.

feeling of being wanted, gone.

feeling of acceptance, gone.

everything's gone.

then wad am i still doing here?

i should be gone too.

give me time. i will be gone soon.

wad's the point if i have no friends, no family, no nothing.

if that's wad u want, if that's wad makes u happy, i will be gone soon. be happy.

does this means, i've lost my best friend?

feeling, kinda, devastated.

Seems like it's time to wake up from the perfect dream. It felt so comfortable, so right living the life I have the past few weeks. But I know deep inside, all these are just too good to be true. I never should deserve such privileges of life.

I guess life is all about making choices. There're probably no right or wrong to that, it's just how each individual sees the value of the choice. I made my choice, to love wholeheartedly, from day 1 till now, I dare say, I have. It's not easy to find someone u really love, and it's even harder to get that person to love u back. Unfortunately for me, I've loved 2 men in my whole life, and non of them seem to love me as hard as I loved them. Ever. I could lay my life for them, but I believe they'll never do the same for me. Some may say, u loved the wrong man, others may say u're just stupid. I'd say it's my choice to love, and I'll do what it takes to honour my choice. At least for me, there'll be no regrets. And I can proudly say I've loved hard before 20 years down the road.

So people out there, if u love someone and that someone loves u too, go for it. Do wadever it takes, as long as it's within ur conscience, go for it.

"U may choose to not love me, but u cannot stop me from loving u." I read this somewhere and I agree w it totally. It's not easy to love someone, I believe many will agree w me on this, so to all lovers out there, u're a strong person, keep it up and keep the fire burning. Cos I've come to realise, without this love burning in me, I'm nothing but a living dead. At least that's the case for me.

Jaded may be the word to describe me now, and it's really tiring to give all the love u have and not get anything in return. I guess this love is gonna stick w me for a while, and I'm not gonna love again. It's too draining, esp when I always end up loving people who dun love me.

Guess I can only seek comfort in the voice I'm familiar w thru songs...
就是他的声音，每天听了心里会暖暖的。
这个声音很神奇。
难过的时候听了心里会变得温暖。
兴奋的时候听了会很激动。
伤心的时候听了会想好好的哭一场。
那个人就是你。所以，我超爱听你唱歌。想每天都能听到你的歌声,这样日子才会比较好过。

I've been feeling really down the past few weeks. Guess the bulk of the emotions came from my expectations towards my friends, especially those important ones. Wadever they do or not do affects me a lot.

But then one day, someone told me: "ur friends come n go maybe cos they can't handle ur emoness. Ur emoness will ruin their night."

That really hit me, hard. He's right. I spoil everyone's night when I emo. I bore people, n that's something that I've always been conscious of. So I decided to change, for the better of course. I'll never emo in front of others anymore. These friends are too precious to me. I cannot afford to scare them away w my emotions.

And the 1st step to that, to take things in my stride. Wadever comes along, just accept it. No point sulking over issues n not doing anything about it if u can. If u can't do anything about it, then just accept it. It's just life. It may suck. But that's just it. Life sucks, 90% of the time. At least for my life.

came across this phrase above and agree with it totally... a lot of times people say, things changes overtime... feelings, habits, likes and dislikes, but more often than not, people themselves are the ones that cause all these changes. sad to say, nothing ever stays the same. people grow, be it for the better or worse. feelings change, be it stronger, or faded away. wad i like to eat now, i may not like it in 10 yrs time. however, wad has happened in the past will always be memories in our heart.. and that will never change no matter what happens. the person u love 5 yrs ago may not be the person u love now, but u'll always remember u had a great time w this person u once loved, and u had loved him so much once in ur life...

so, my friends, no matter what happens, u'll always be in my heart forever.. even if one day i met with an accident, lost my memory, i believe deep in my heart, u have a place. you'll always be my friend, always be my baby.



ALWAYS BE MY BABY

We were as one babe
For a moment in time
And it seemed everlasting
That you would always be mine
Now you wanna be free
So I'll let you fly
'Cause I know in my heart babe
Our love will never die

[Chorus:]
You'll always be a part of me
I'm part of you indefinitely
Boy don't you know you can't escape me
Ooh darling 'cause you'll always be my baby
And we'll linger on and on
Time can't erase a feeling this strong
No way you're never gonna shake me
Ooh darling 'cause you'll always be my baby

I ain't gonna cry no
And I won't beg you to stay
If you're determined to leave boy
I will not stand in your way
But inevitably
You'll be back again
'Cause you know in your heart babe
Our love will never end

[Chorus]

I know that you'll be back boy
When your days and your nights get a little bit colder
I know that you'll be right back baby
Oh baby believe me it's only a matter of time

[Chorus]

Another short getaway... Going back to KL, but this time for leehom's concert and not forgetting all the good food! Guess these little things that made me look forward to help to perk me up n spice up my life a little. This time it'll be a little different though, instead of the regular 5star coach that I always take to KL, we're gonna go by flight! Turns out it's actually cheaper than the coach, if u travel at the certain timing...

Gonna have an R&R trip this weekend... 3D2N, long awaited trip, not cos of the destination, but a lot more on the company. :)

honestly, i think it's really shallow to put someone down just becos something in your life doesn't go your way. it may not be your fault entirely, but do a little bit of soul searching and see if u are at fault too. always thinking that u are always right, always putting the blame on someone else, and always thinking the whole world owes u a living? let me tell u, u are very wrong. if you can tell me straight in the face that u've done nothing to contribute to what has happened, with a clear conscious, then fine, you win. but before u do that, make sure u have thought through it thoroughly. cos if u don't, sad to say, you'll never be a happy person, ever.

all that's been said, it's for your own good. if u dun wanna lose ur close friends and those people who love you, as a friend, i think it's time u change for the better.

Wondering: why are there so many people around me experiencing heart wrenching issues?

One's grandma passed away on cny day 1, one's suspected victim of cervical cancer, one who just suffered a miscarriage, one who just broke up, one who's caught in a triangle relationship, and one who just got into a debt cos of her previous bf.

All these happenings around me, makes me so upset and moody. Wish I can do something to help them.. If I can solve the problem w $$, I already have. And those that i can't, all I can offer are my advice and my company, my presence, my friendship.

Honestly, there's nothing much in my life that requires me to take a ride on the emotional rollercoaster... Nothing that is worth being happy about, and nothing worth crying about... But somehow, it's the monotonous life that's causing all the restless feeling in me... The kind of feeling is like, as though u want to watch a movie w someone but can't cos of their commitment, as though u want to call someone to chit chat but the fear of disturbing them is there...

Sometimes, the feeling of trying to be nonchalant sucks. Random thought but that's how I feel. Nonchalant about how my friends are using me, how my friends are taking me for granted, how small I am in the eyes of the people who are so so important to me. It's not always that I'm ok when I say i'm ok.. You know?

But rest assured, if there's anyone who tries to harm my friends or do more bad than good to my friends, I'll do all I can to protect them. That's my promise to all my friends out there..

Guess sometimes, u really dun need to expect anything in return when u do things for people.

Some people may be jealous of u for what u can do, what u have, who u are... But I guess having a clear conscious is what matters most. It's normal for people to be jealous, but dun let it affect u and make u a sore loser.

There was a period of time, I was v jealous of my friends who can sing better, have better luck, good career and all. And at the same time, there were people who were jealous of me too, for wad reasons I dunno, but the things they do and say makes it so degrading to themselves, I told myself I shall learn to embrace people's goodness and accept them n myself for who we are.

It's true wad they say: no matter how pretty u are on the outside, no matter how many friends u have in ur circle life, as long as u are petty, and have an ugly character, no matter wad, u'll be ugly forever.