ever heard of the song "i hate myself for loving you"?? well, for me, i hate myself for everything.. i'm feeling so tired... both physically and mentally...

"Welcome To My Life"
Do you ever feel like breaking down?
Do you ever feel out of place?
Like somehow you just don't belong
And no one understands you
Do you ever wanna runaway?
Do you lock yourself in your room?
With the radio on turned up so loud
That no one hears you screaming
No you don't know what it's like
When nothing feels all right
You don't know what it's like
To be like me
To be hurt
To feel lost
To be left out in the dark
To be kicked when you're down
To feel like you've been pushed around
To be on the edge of breaking down
And no one's there to save you
No you don't know what it's like
Welcome to my life
Do you wanna be somebody else?
Are you sick of feeling so left out?
Are you desperate to find something more?
Before your life is over
Are you stuck inside a world you hate?
Are you sick of everyone around?
With their big fake smiles and stupid lies
While deep inside you're bleeding
No you don't know what it's like
When nothing feels all right
You don't know what it's like
To be like me
To be hurt
To feel lost
To be left out in the dark
To be kicked when you're down
To feel like you've been pushed around
To be on the edge of breaking down
And no one's there to save you
No you don't know what it's like
Welcome to my life
No one ever lied straight to your face
No one ever stabbed you in the back
You might think I'm happy but I'm not gonna be okay
Everybody always gave you what you wanted
Never had to work it was always there
You don't know what it's like, what it's like
To be hurt
To feel lost
To be left out in the dark
To be kicked when you're down
To feel like you've been pushed around
To be on the edge of breaking down
And no one's there to save you
No you don't know what it's like (what it's like)
To be hurt
To feel lost
To be left out in the dark
To be kicked when you're down
To feel like you've been pushed around
To be on the edge of breaking down
And no one's there to save you
No you don't know what it's like
Welcome to my life
Welcome to my life
Welcome to my life

this song is exactly what i'm trying to convey and what i'm going through now... everytime, i'm telling u.. everytime she calls, the first thing that she always says always dampen my mood.. when i called her today, i wanted to tell her that i got interviewed by the straits times.. i wanted to share my happiness with her... but the first thing she said was why i called only then... everytime, i feel like crying after the call from her... or even when she's there to fetch me home.. the moment i got onto the car.. even before i had the chance to say anything, she start to scold me about how long she's been waiting.. this has been happening EVERYDAY... since my holidays.. i tried to change things... i tried to ask her out for shopping.. i tried to pull us closer again.. but it's not working... she's not making time for me... why can't she understand??

i wanna leave this sad place.. i wanna get away from this place that's making me cry all the time... i tried to talk to him, but he's always not willing to listen to my problems... almost every night.. i try to talk to him.. but he always give me the can't be bothered attitude.. why?? everyone seems to be busy with their own things.. why am i the only one with nothing to do, with loads of time to cry over everything?? i'm still bothered by the fact that i'm not able to go to jay chou's concert.. i thought by going i can at least cheer myself up and have something to look forward to... but.. too bad... god just doesn't wanna give me this chance... it's my life.. wad more can i say... i'm tired... really tired...

he went back to indo le... wad can i say.. CGH's nurses have no manners at all... how can scold that old patient when they didn't tighten the urine bag... how can they scold him for not being able to make it for the appointment that they scheduled for him without even asking if he is free... spoil my whole impression of CGH...

fell sick on fri.. vomit + runs... tried to keep myself occupied these few days... on monday, went out with this yr 2 gal that i met during the 1st day of orientation.. when she surveyed me... then became friends... today, went out with liza!!! the feeling is just so nice... being able to just have a company.. had so much to fill each other in about that we don't know where to start.. went to visit alison and siok at work... even though there may be so quiet moments between us, it's just nice to know that although it's quiet, there's someone there for you... thanx liza... u made my day..

read my tagboard just now... thanx ming.. din know u actually read my blog too.. =) from my blog, i've come to realise that although no one seems to give a damn about what has been happening to me, but, there are ppl that actually bother to read my post and express their concerns thru tagboard... so i wanna take this opportunity to thank all those that has tagged at my tagboard.. and giving me the encouragement and courage to go on.. letting me know that i'm not all alone afterall... allowing me to feel the warmth that's around me... thanks.

i'm feeling so confused.. i should have known.. he looked so uncomfortable yesterday.. he said he got headache... no wonder he came home early yesterday... he wasn't feeling well, but he still gotta try to smile to her friends.. still gotta fetch us around..

seeing him lay on the hospital bed, my heart just melted.. i couldn't even say much before i even broke down.. but of course not in front of him.. i hide.. hide my tears away from him.. for close to 5 mins.. i can't keep my tears from flowing... why.. what has happened to the strong and fit him that has always been in my heart..

dancing with the IG members and the mentors today is the happiest moment i have throughout this whole holidays... it's really nice to have so many people around me... even though we are not close and all.. even though i still feel lonely most of the time...

at this moment, i dun feel like doing anything.. dun feel like asking for anything.. all i ask for is for him to get well soon... i want him to be the same him a few years ago... i want him the way he was when he brought be to malaysia.. when he brought me to swim... i want to have a meal with my family.. that's all i'm asking for now... nvm if i dun have nice clothes.. nvm if i dun have money.. nvm if i dun get to have materialistic things... i just want to have friends and my family with me... that's all... is it too much to ask for??

thanx sis, for offering to help to get jay chou concert tix.. but now, i'm still in a confused state of mind, whether to save th emoney for other uses or for this cos if i really go, i'll be going alone.. damn.. so shit.. really wanna go, got the chance but have doubts about going... wth...

colleague sylvia treat me to ajisen yesterday.. nice lady... went to support siok at her ice-cream shop too..

something is bothering me.. but, it's so hard to say anything... is it a phase of life that i have to go through? loneliness is the word.. i guess...

went to look for my ex-colleague at OG albert yesterday during my 3 hr break from work.. so nice to see linda again... she asked me about the jay chou concert.. the whole story is.. this guy A said he wanted to treat me to his concert. cannot trust him so when linda told me, i was kinda shocked and happy that i can finally go... then he sms me and ask me still got tix available for sale or not.. only not long ago.. so kinda disappointed.. i missed the one in 2003.. looks like i'm gonna miss this one too... sad.. nvm.. it's my life.. wad can i say...

yesterday was the first time i work full day at waraku.. from 12-3, 6-11.. business was slow.. not like today, so many big families come with lots of children... and was only me and mayumi... woah... tiring man... boring day.. nv got to eat dinner at some nice place with dad... hope tml or tuesday or at least before he leaves we'll get to sit down together as a family and not get that hope 'smashed' by mom's new hobby... damn...

gonna go help shawn design the layout of his sim 2 family.. tata... oh.. the guy is a business tychoon and the gal is a mayor of simcity.. haha... and she gets to work on a helicopter... cool...

went swimming with jen peng on tuesday... we talked a lot about ourselves... and stayed in the pool for 2 hrs... saw the ppl at the fun camp... great to see you again girl..

my daddy came back yesterday... eyes were watery when i saw him in the transit... had the urge to tell him all that has happened to me when he's not around.. but something pulled me back.. thought we would go for a meal at some restaurant or something.. but ma got to go for her singing lessons... then tonight i got work.. so no time for dinner... nv really got a chance to talk to him...

went to sch for cya briefing before going to the airport to get my dad... met alvin c before going up together.. got to know more bout his work and the things he has been doing.. really nice to know how are my friends getting along...

thought today we would go and have breakfast together as a family again.. but no... nothing i expect is happening... went to work today and saw michelle!!! she came with her family to waraku.. thanx so much dear.. thought i'll not be in the mood to be smiley.. so asked to be stationed at the pantry... gosh.. u can't imagine how i felt when i saw a familiar face.. it was just so... nice.. so.. nice..

yesterday i had a lot of my first time with crystal at PS, after going to sch to slack...

first time:
taking 518 straight from sch to PS
eating mee hoon kueh
watching movie at PS
watching a cartoon movie ( shark tale )
playing the piano game at the arcade
having starbucks at PS
having ice latte

yap.. am i sua gu or wad?? i realise that i haven been shopping and catching up with the lastest fashion after window shopping at PS... glad to be able to catch up with crystal though... thanx babe.. really would like more of this kinda catching up with other friends... ppl out there.. dun be shy to call me anytime and ask me out ya?? i'll definitely find time for every single one of u.. =)

going swimming later again, this time with jen peng... yes, my sun burn not yet fully recovered... but who cares... finally get to swim with jen peng.. had been wanting to swim with her since the last day of exams, but... hmm, nvm..

yeah!! my daddy finally coming home tml!! took the day off from work and pushed away all 'appointments' with my friends just for him... intend to go and wait for him at the airport tml... ma says he'll be very happy to see us there... miss u so...

as days are nearing sch reopen... there's a feeling of excitement at the same time fear in me...

went to watch princess diaries 2 with shawn today.. kinda funny, nice show.. papa postponed the date to return back to singapore, again... next wednesday then can come back... sad... delay and delay..

kinda looking forward to monday.. where i'll be able to see my friends again... at least it's better than being cooped up at home... the medicine is taking effect... affecting my work and alertness..

the 'blush' on my cheeks are peeling... yuck...

wad a day... feeling sick the whole day... already felt feverish in the middle of the night and true enough, temperature was 38.4.. plus throat got problem... sigh.. plus now my face got natural blush.. which is actually the sun burn i got from yesterday's swim.. bored is the word... how i wish school can start as soon as possible.. so that i can make more friends and wun feel like i'm all alone in this world... so that i'll be kept busy and wun have time to think about other things.. now i've to think wad i'm gonna do tml.. staying at home sucks... beginning to have claustrophobia after staying at home for so long and for so many days, so many hours...

somehow.. this period of time seems to be the lowest point of my life.. term was short so din get to interact with my classmates that much, plus holidays is so long.. no close friends or even friends to hang out with.. finding a friend to watch movie or just to have a coffee seem like the most difficult task to deal with currently..

thought of the day: when has things ever go my way??

life sucks... always... for me.... when are things ever gonna change?? when am i gonna be free from the clutches of her... i feel pulled back... i can't do what i wanna do.. i have no abilities... i have nothing... i'm lost.. lost in my own world.. all alone... in my own world...

where's everyone when i need someone..

the trip was.. boring on the first few days.. took the bus all the way from singapore to ipoh (almost 9 hrs) then they had the dinner at their house at night... at it was raining like as though a storm was about to occur... damn scary.. and their relatives were from all over malaysia and flooded the whole house... shawn and i made the right choice by staying in the room.. (we stayed over at their place for the trip) yap.. and we fell asleep at about 9 plus.. which was damn early... think we were tired from so much sleeping the the bus in the day... haha.. boring day...

day two (sat): the day yee sim got married... woke up at 6 plus to accompany her as the makeup artist puts on make up for her and do her hair.. pretty... was thinking about how i'd like my wedding to be like at that moment... =) then went to change and awaited the arrival of the groom... as usual, the house was flooded.. really flooded with ppl... everything was moving so slowly... the groom arrived at around 10 and they dilly dally doing i-dunno-what until about 12 plus before they proceed on to the groom's place... dilly dally around again and we eventually got to eat at 2 plus... maybe the malaysians are used to the slow pace living in contrast to the singapore's everything-fast-fast lifestyle.. shawn and i ended up walking back to the house before it rained again... went out to have supper (lok lok) at 9 plus and then got back at 11 plus and played cards... boring...

day 3(sun): woke up really early in the morning to do wad?? to drive to the other end of ipoh to eat dim sum... hmm... after dim sum.. drove to another place and sat down just to drink coffee..one big grp of 13 ppl sat down, just to drink coffee and deprive other from having a place to eat their breakfast.. felt a bit wierd having so many ppl looking at us drink coffee... but their coffee was really nice... after coffee, we went to i-dunno-who house to pluck rambutan.. haha... i was just standing at a side laughing at ppl who got hit by the rambutan that fell from the trees... the locals climb high up into the trees to pluck them... power... we got one whole big big bag of rambutan.. pluck and go.. poor trees... next, to the newly-wed's new house... nice... very modern.. the price of their house (semi-d) is the price of a 3 room flat in singapore... so cheap lor... slacked around before the ladies went to the salon to do our hair before we went to the restaurant for the wedding dinner... first time in my life, i witness a wedding dinner that actually started on time.. (almost) time stated:7pm. time started: 715pm. wow... singaporeans... shame shame... and it ended by 10pm... cool... early, compared to singapore it's early man... i helped to count the angbao money they got and paid the restaurant in cash.. (the restaurant insist to be paid in cash) .. which adds up to be around 13000 plus on the female's side.. interesting day...

got matchmade my my mom and the host to their son... forcing me to stand next to him everytime we take pics and making me sit in his car whenever we go out... hmm... my mom says she wun stop until i get myself a boyfriend... wad is the world coming to? must everyone be paired?? wadever it is, the feeling of being cared is always good... =)