this might be my last post of the year, of my life. or not. i dunno.

have been really busy these days after i came back from new york.. changed away my flight on xmas eve to be around for the festive season.. and ended up suffering for 5 days with 2 overnight turn and 1 long day turn without any off days, just so i can be around to support my friend, and to spend xmas w people i think are important to me.. all the trouble put through to be around, and yet my presence anywhere doesn't seem to be important to anyone at all.

ended up with no dinner dates till 2 hours before dinner, with some random people whom i'm not even close to, bar hop to a place to watch the band with people i'm not close to (again), jio-ed my poly senior out to go hood w me at 10pm just so i dun look like some pathetic gal with no date on a xmas eve, and ended up at hood for the countdown to xmas day. it was a great experience for me, considering the fact tt it's the first time i'm spending xmas in sg after i started flying.. a little disappointment here and there, which i thought was already big enough to pull down the mood of the festive season. lucky i made effort to dress up for the day, or at least i thought that helped in making me feel better about myself, and the day.

everyone seem to be talking about their new year's resolutions now. it doesn't seem to make a difference to me whether i have one or not. somehow, wad ever i do will never seem to be able to make me change. i'll still be the pessimistic jovi, emo jovi, and even if the resolution is to stop being pessimistic and emo, doubt it's ever gonna happen, ever in my life.

sometimes i just feel like getting drunk, not sober drunk, just drunk. so i can do things i dun normally do. do things that i never got the courage to do. say things that i never got the courage to say. but most of the time, even if i'm fucking high, like now, i'll still pretend i'm all good. if not people will start saying i'm emo again, trying to talk me out of my emo-ness, and then i'll really be emo and start crying all over again.

can u imagine? i was just playing some chinese mtv on the com at hood, singing along as though ktv.. and then i just suddenly cry in front of the monitor, still singing, and the lyrics seem to be expressing wad i feel. i never, ever, ever thought that will ever happen to me at hood. and it did. it's just so embarrassing. "why u crying jovi?" i cannot answer them. "tell me, tell me.." i cannot tell them. "it's ok, it'll be alright.." nope, it's not. "u can always share w me.." nope, i can't. they are just curious to know wad's going on, not genuinely concern.

xmas gift. only to certain VIP to me. and i spent the whole fucking day walking around, looking for gifts with sophia. specifically for the specific VIPs, according to their likes, dislikes, hobbies and all. i really dun care if u like them or not, whether u'll use them or not, whether u'll just chuck it at one corner of ur room or not. it's just a token of appreciation from me, thankful for our friendship. but it's really disappointing that i dun get that kind of appreciation from them. i dun need gifts. i just need a simple hug or simple words. is that so hard?

ok. kudos to me. fucking high and still able to type all these crap. i'm just always taken for granted, always doing too much, always thinking too much for others that it does more bad than good to them, always making people who care for me helpless with my negativity. it's ok. u all can leave me for all i care. i've always been alone anyway. doesn't matter. do what u all deem will make u all happy. my happiness is like a dust on earth, doesn't even weight a thing. fuck it. just put the blame on me.

curious to know wad song i was crying to?


借口

翻着我们的照片
想念若隐若现
去年的冬天
我们笑得很甜

看着你哭泣的脸
对着我说再见
来不及听见
你已走得很远

也许你已经放弃我
也许已经很难回头
我知道是自己错过
请再给我一个理由
说你不爱我

就算是我不懂
能不能原谅我
请不要把分手当作你的请求

我知道坚持要走是你受伤的藉口
请你回头
我会陪你一直走到最后

就算没有结果
我也能够承受
我知道你的痛
是我给的承诺

你说给过我纵容
沉默是因为包容
如果要走
请你记得我

如果难过
请你忘了我

having a hard time trying to sleep these days... firstly cos my mind is occupied with things, and secondly cos of the place of the tattoo... gotta sleep on my left, and when i unconsciously move to the right i'll jerk up in pain and the sleepless night starts all over again. but i'm definitely not regretting getting the tattoo, as it serves as a reminder to me. though it may be painful, it's bearable and it's gonna leave a beautiful mark on me.

going to new york in a few hours time. long flight but as usual, i can't sleep. no appetite, insomnia, cough, flu, and fever coming in soon. it's gonna be a long 6 days. coming back on sunday morning, but as usual, no one's gonna text me when i'm away, so it's gonna be a long, lonely, cold, gloomy stay for me in new york.

still feeling distracted... still contacting/hanging out friends? i hope so. everything going well? hope so too. feeling happy? better be, now that i'm gone, things should be better for everyone, except for me.

i really never imagine that someone so close to my heart will doubt my personality, doubt me as a person. it's so disappointing.

a big big dip in self confidence and self esteem.

however upset i am, however disappointed i am, i can't bring myself to stay upset w him for long. cos even as a friend, he's one very important friend to me.

i don't wanna lose a friend. but from the look of it, he'll never contact me again.

i'm gonna get a tattoo today. sophia asked me: are u sure u wanna do this? it's gonna be with u forever, and it's gonna remind u of the things u are going thru now. and i told her: i'm very sure. i want to remember this. i want to remember him. i want to remember the times i had in hood, this part of my life, i wanna remember it for life.

i only wish for us to still stay as friends. friends who can still call each other to talk about stuff and chit chat. friends who can still hang out together with our common friends. friends who'll still care for each other. simple? no? possible? no?

am i never gonna see him again? there wasn't even a face to face talk. the last i saw him, is that the last?

after my tattoo, i'm going back to my shell. only then, will i be able to stand tall again, cos i'll be alone anyway.

At a tattoo shop now...

Watching him do the things he like, seeing him all excited about the things he do, I'm really happy for him.

Come what may, I'll do all I can for him.. Cos I know, even if I may not get my happiness, at least I can see him safe, and happy. That's enough for me.




You can fly so high
Keep your gaze upon the sky
I'll be prayin every step along the way
Even though it breaks my heart to know we'll be so far apart
I love you too much to make you stay
Baby fly away

the feeling in me is making me crazy. i'm feeling so so vexed, i feel like exploding. so so many questions in my mind, so many doubts about so many things, and yet, i don't have the courage to clear them all.

they say, actions speaks louder than words. and i totally agree with that. u know, u don't need to say anything, but from your responses to me and reactions, i know. i know that things have changed. i'm no longer soughted after, i'm no longer loved, i'm no longer wanted. that really pains me to know, to know that i'm so unattractive, so uncool to be with, so much so that the people around me that matters to me, are taking my presence for granted.

i'm feeling so so dejected, so so rejected, and so so unwanted. it seems like wherever i go, my big build is just a hindrance to the crowd: makes it harder for people to squeeze their way through, people behind me can't see wad's in front of them... i just don't seem to fit in anywhere, in any place, in anyone's lives, in anyone's world.

if one day i really disappear, will anyone bother to look me up? if one day i really say goodbye to the world, will anyone's lives change cos of my absence? if one day i just leave, will anyone hold me back? probably, but at this point of time, my heart tells me no.

love is such a strong and powerful tool. it helps to make one a better person, or not. be it love from ur friends, family, or the one u love, they all play a part to make up who u are now. i'm lacking love, from all 3 sources of love, and i'm feeling really down without it. of course, the world doesn't just revolve around love, there's still career and things to do in life. but my life is an empty shell. there's nothing else for me to do, except to fill it up with all the love i can, because it just seem extremely hard for love to come by in my life, from my family, and from the one i love.


HAVE YOU EVER..

Sometimes it's wrong to walk away, though you think it's over
Knowing there's so much more to say,
And suddenly the moment's gone, and all your dreams are upside down, and you just want to change the way the world goes round, tell me

Have you ever loved and lost somebody, wished there was a chance to say I'm sorry,
Can't you see, that's the way I feel about you and me, baby,
Have you ever felt your heart was breaking, looking down the road you should be taking,
I should know, 'cause I loved and lost, the day I let you go.

Can't help but think that this is wrong, we should be together,
Back in your arms where I belong,
And now I've finally realized, it was forever that I've found,
I'd give it all to change the way the world goes round, tell me

Have you ever loved and lost somebody, wished there was a chance to say I'm sorry,
Can't you see, that's the way I feel about you and me, baby,
Have you ever felt your heart was breaking, looking down the road you should be taking,
I should know, 'cause I loved and lost, the day I let you go.

Don't even want to hear you say, that you know just how it feels,
To have it all and let it slip away, can't you see
Oh and though the moment's gone, I'm still holding on somehow,
Wishing I could change the way the world goes round, tell me

Have you ever loved and lost somebody, wished there was a chance to say I'm sorry,
Can't you see, that's the way I feel about you and me, baby,
Have you ever felt your heart was breaking, looking down the road you should be taking,
I should know, 'cause I loved and lost, the day I let you go

one of these days, i woke up and realise that, i'm really tired. i'm tired of always being the nice person, making contributions in everyone else's life, waiting for people, and in turn, i lose myself.

i really wanna run away from all these, go to somewhere and be a whole new me, somewhere where no one knows me, so i can start everything afresh.

i saw on tv, this fortune teller said: if u wanna change ur fate, u gotta change ur personality, cos only then, are u in control of ur future. i thought about it for a while, and realise it makes perfect sense. i'm who i am now cos of my personality. person take me for who i am know cos of my personality.

i guess it's time for me to change. cos i'm really tired. even if people don't love me anymore, i don't care. even if people dun wanna hangout with me anymore cos i've changed, i don't care. i'm tired of always having to give in to people or to let others take advantage of me. i'm tired of always telling myself 'it's ok' and choose to let others be happy instead of me.

i'm just tired. can someone give me a hand, and make me feel like i'm worth it for once?

u know, when a group of crew gather together for a chat, we always seem to learn new things from each other... there was the time when they teach me the proper way of wearing a bra, teach me about yeast infection, about skin care, and of course, BGR will always be part of the conversation.

on my previous trip, 3 of us sat down together, all 3 with different views about BGR. one is married, one is in a relationship, and me, i dunno if this is considered dating, so i'll say i'm single. the one who's married feels that life is beautiful. she feels that being able to find someone who loves her and is willing to take care of her, she's very fortunate, and she'll do all it takes to make this marriage last as long as it can. meaning, she's willing to compromise herself to accomodate her husband and does everything he says.

the one who is in a relationship, says it's tough being with someone. she finds herself losing herself day by day, and she can no longer see the independent and strong-headed her anymore. and she's wondering, how did it happened, and how did she allow it to happen? she don't believe that there will be happiness at the end of the day, instead, she believes that they are together as companions, and to help each other along the way in life. she doesn't think that being in a relationship will lead to a happy ending, and if one is not careful, it may bring one down instead of making someone a better person.

as for me, i stand in between. i believe one always have to compromises in a relationship to make things work. everyone has their differences and everyone has their own set of beliefs and thinking. this is where the compromising comes in. however, there should be a limit and u should know where to draw the line and tell yourself to stop compromising when u realize u are losing urself.

i think the difference in perception from the 3 of us is not only cos of the different personality, but also because of the difference in status. cos she's married, she has no choice but to do all it takes to make it work, and in her case, is to compromise. cos she's attached, she can still be wild and be stubborn about doing things her way without sparing a thought for her bf, whether or not whatever she does or doesn't do will hurt the relationship. and cos i'm single, i wish for a happy ending like the married gal, but yet still wanna be myself, and thus, the integration of both perceptions.

it's just one of the interesting observations i've made, from all the interaction with all the crew and pax i've talked to.. their views on certain issues. and sometimes, it just makes me wonder, at the end of the day, wad is it i really want.

i'm a simple gal really. i dun need branded goods to keep me alive, i dun need recognition in the society to feel important. i'm just a gal who at the end of the day, wanna find a man who loves me like i love him and settle down with him, start a small family, lead a simple and peaceful life. a shelter over my head, food and water to keep me alive, and recognition in the eyes of the man i love, to keep the fire burning in me. period.

not too much to ask for i hope.

Been busy doing the things I do... Supporting him, spending time with my close friends, and thinking of him. I know I should occupy my time with things I used to do and all, but I can't help thinking about his well-being all day. Thinking if he's tired from all the work and studying, thinking if he's feeling lousy about anything, thinking if he's doing alright.

I feel angry and upset with myself for making him angry and upset that night. I know he cares for me, but I feel angry with myself for taking up his time when he has more important things to do. I'm angry with myself and annoyed with myself for getting drunk that night, and he has to take care of me all night, when he could have been studying. The last thing I wanna do is to burden him with me, myself and everything about me. But I've been the opposite lately, and I hate myself for that.

It sucks when all U wanna do is to be there for the one u love, and yet, u dun have the right to do so. It sucks when u know all u can think about is the one person that occupies ur mind all day and night and yet u can't tell him. It sucks when all u wanna do is to love him with all ur might, but the red light is on. And it just sucks that, this sucky feeling is so strong.

Many tells me, u deserve better, u deserve more, u deserve to be loved the way u love others. And I believe I do too, I'm just crossing my fingers, placing a bet, and hoping one fine day, I will be loved too.

Till that day, I'm gonna do my thing, and be there for u, always.


For You I Will

When you're feeling lost in the night,
When you feel your world just ain't right
Call on me, I will be waiting
Count on me, I will be there

Anytime the times get too tough,
Anytime your best ain't enough
I'll be the one to make it better,
I'll be there to protect you,
See you through,
I'll be there and there is nothing
I won't do.

I will cross the ocean for you
I will go and bring you the moon
I will be your hero your strength
Anything you need
I will be the sun in your sky
I will light your way for all time
Promise you,
For you I will.

I will shield your heart from the rain
I will let no harm come your way
Oh these arms will be your shelter
No these arms won't let you down

If there is a mountain to move
I will move that mountain for you
I'm here for you, I'm here forever
I will be your fortress, tall and strong
I'll keep you safe,
I'll stand beside you, right or wrong

For you I will, lay my life on the line
For you I will fight, oooooh
For you I will die
With every breath, with all my soul
I'll give my world
I'll give it all
Put your faith in me (put you're faith in me)
And I'll do anything

I will cross the ocean for you (I will cross the ocean for you)
I will go and bring you the moon
I will be your hero your strength
Anything you need
I will be the sun in your sky
I will light your way for all time
Promise you (Promise you)
For you I will

i just realized, it's like.. de javu... last month, it was LA that i suddenly felt extremely insecure (probably due to PMS), and thereafter i did an auckland flight when i started to notice something was wrong...

this month, i did a LA flight too.. and here i am in auckland after the LA flight. except that this time, the feeling of insecurity is gone. instead, i am feeling a lot at ease. why? i dunno. maybe sometimes, u gotta lose something before u learn how to treasure it.. maybe sometimes, wad u lose is wad u actually wanna treasure most. and maybe sometimes, letting go of something can make u realize that that's the one thing u really wanna hold on to...

of course, there's always the other side of the coin. and losing that something can help u see a clearer picture of the situation u are in, or put u in a better position to be a better person and move on in life. it's a matter of choice, whichever side of the coin u are looking at now.

life is actually all about uncertainties... u'll never know what will happen to u tmr, next month, next year, or even 10 years down the road. so all we can do is to treasure the moment and live with no regrets. don't wait till u see this person 3 years later and regret not telling him or her that something u wanted to say to him or her all along... don't let yourself be bugged with all the 'i should have... ' in future... be a little braver, and tell yourself to take away all the 'what ifs' in ur life, and add in more of 'even if... i will... ' that way, u can tell urself, even if u failed, at least u've tried, and that's living with no regrets to me.

it's definitely easier to say than to action on it. even i have difficulty practicing wad i preach.. but i'm trying and working on it.. that's why i'm holding on to certain things, that's why i do the things i do... it all boils down to choice. we may be uncertain about the things we want in life at times, but time is always that one thing that will help us find out more about ourselves.. be it long or short, time is the answer. sometimes, the people around u can be ur assistant in finding the answer too..

i hope, i can be that assistant in ur life, to find out what u really want.


你很愛他

當你決定　你要離開我　
我沒有說什麼　就當作你自由

有好幾次我都想挽留　
苦求也沒有用　就當作是寂寞

只有我能明白　他的溫柔　
對你是種解脫
只想要告訴我　誰是你的最愛

其實你很愛他　對我的懲罰　
說你沒有想他　是可憐我吧
我已沒有藉口　只能放手　
不能奢求　你說愛我

其實你很愛他　他很溫柔嗎　
其實你很想他　就說出口吧
我已不想多說　嗚住耳朵　
不想再次聽到你說　你很愛他

it's been a long time since i'm been so sick... all kinds of illness all come together at the same time.. and worst of all, is the pain in the heart. the pain of missing someone so badly, wanting someone so badly, is even more torturous than all the physical illness...

i met my ex's colleague, and he told me he's already attached.. and all the talking brings back memories... and then he showed me a photo of them. and when i was surfing fb, i saw that the guy i used to like was tagged in one of the photos, and his gal was next to him. and the one that hit me most, is the picture of him, and her. 3 pictures, 3 guys, all in one day. for the first guy, i thought to myself: i'm happy for him. 2nd guy: whatever. 3rd guy: if he's really happy, i will be, but i'll still wish that was me w him.

i've never really ask for anything more than wad i deserve in life. i never ask for an extravagant life, or freaking good parents and siblings, best job in the world, or even all the money in the world. i always believe i'm just a gal-next-door, and i dun deserve anything more than the necessity of life. having a shelter over my head, a job good enough for me to live that's all i deserve. but sometimes, i wish that being selfless and being a giver to the people around me, i'll be able to exchange my effort for someone to love me and be by my side.


只是太爱你

原谅我真的喝醉了
因为我真的想你了
一不小心就被寂寞
吞噬了爱着你的快乐

我知道这样不应该
也知道你会受伤害
只是不想再让自己对你太过依赖
我明白 你给你爱是真实地存在
只是我不懂得如果去爱
才会让你想离开

因为我不知道
下一辈子还是否能遇见你
所以我今生才会
那么努力 把最好的给你
爱你都变成伤害你
我们的爱快要窒息
不是故意 只是太爱你

is it normal for people to say one thing and mean another? to seemingly be ok with things, but in fact it pains them deep down in their heart.. it happens to me most of the time... and it seems as though everyone is playing mind games with everyone else.. saying things they dun mean, seeing how the other party will respond and react to it.. i get that a lot, from passengers, from the people close to me, and to people i just met too... it's sad that people cannot seem to be brave enough to face the truth and express how they really feel honestly.

recently a few of my friends randomly text me and said hi, asking how am i doing.. these friends are people that i dun meet up with, but somehow once in a while i'll still be missed by them... and it feels really nice to know that somewhere out there there's someone thinking of me.. well, they may have a motive (all of them happen to be guys), but whatever the reason behind the concern, be it genuine or not, to me it's still a form of concern that i really treasure. and it's good to know that, i still have value in the market, i still appeal to people, i still make people miss the times they spent with me.

sometimes it's really not about the no. of people who cares for u, because u know it urself, u want that special someone to care for you, and that's wad matters most to u, isn't it?


Teardrops On My Guitar

Drew looks at me, I fake a smile so he won't see
That I want and I'm needing everything that we should be
I'll bet she's beautiful, that girl he talks about
And she's got everything that I have to live without

Drew talks to me, I laugh 'cause it's so damn funny
And I can't even see anyone when he's with me
He says he's so in love, he's finally got it right,
I wonder if he knows he's all I think about at night

[Chorus:]
He's the reason for the teardrops on my guitar
The only thing that keeps me wishing on a wishing star
He's the song in the car I keep singing, don't know why I do

Drew walks by me, can he tell that I can't breathe?
And there he goes, so perfectly,
The kind of flawless I wish I could be
She better hold him tight, give him all her love
Look in those beautiful eyes and know she's lucky 'cause

[Chorus]

So I drive home alone, as I turn out the light
I'll put his picture down and maybe
Get some sleep tonight

He's the reason for the teardrops on my guitar
The only one who's got enough of me to break my heart
He's the song in the car I keep singing, don't know why I do
He's the time taken up, but there's never enough
And he's all that I need to fall into.

Drew looks at me, I fake a smile so he won't see.

Sometimes, it just takes a little thing to trigger all the unhappiness that I've kept in my heart.. Not that I've always been unhappy about everything, but when something that upsets me happens again, i'll think of the previous similar case and situation that made me unhappy the last time...

And most of the time, I would not be able to tell the person I'm upset w him or her.. Even when he or she come up to me and ask if I'm ok, I'll still say yes... Guess I really gotta learn how to say no.. Sometimes I really hate myself for being too nice to people.. And hate myself for allowing myself to get taken advantage of by people.

When I dun say anything, it doesn't mean I'm ok with everything. I'm just trying to make things easy for everyone.. But it's just sad that people dun get it.


你不懂我的心

你说你要飞翔的自由
只不过是一个藉口
我也会接受

曾经牵着你的手
还要甚麼要求
我只要退在你背后

终有一天我会成为你最好的朋友
无理取闹也会忍受
心在痛眼泪倒流

我不懂你的心 还要守到最后
就算爱情厌旧 从指缝溜走
擦破我双手

你不懂我的心 有时候真的好累想不再回头
放开所有 可惜我一直没办法留
却也没办法走

曾经牵着你的手 还要甚麼要求
我只要退在你背后

终有一天我会成为你最好的朋友
无理取闹也会忍受
心在痛眼泪倒流

想找一个理由 好让我转身就走
为甚麼这个时候才发现我愈恨你愈难受

我不懂你的心 还要守到最后
就算拥抱变旧 温度已不够
我一样温柔

你不懂我的心 尝试过一千遍写下很多理由
决定放手 可惜我
一直没办法留 却也没办法走

it somehow seems like it's meant to be... for me to forever be the peripheral figure in everyone else's life... my confidence took a sudden dip after i came back from LA.. feeling lousy about myself, feeling so self-conscious of myself, feeling so inferior about myself... it seems harder for me to come out of my shell, and shine like the rest of the gals around me...

i think love really does wonders... it least for me, it can pull me out of the emo cave i've been living in... and it can make me feel beautiful... though it may also cause hurt and bring tears, but all the good of it has far far superseded the bad of love.. that's why i can, need, and have to hold on to this love. it's the only thing that helps keep me going... i dun wanna go back to the days without love... days are harder to get by, and everything seems less optimal to me...

when i was younger, someone asked: "wad do u wanna be when u grow up?" and i answered: "i wanna be someone significant, and i will be able to make a difference to the world with my presence.." and now i realize, my dream still stays the same... except that, the world i'm referring to, is someone's world, someone's heart.


一样爱着你

不怕末日 因为我有你
你给我的 不计较原因
我一直相信 笑容不需要练习
忘不了你 慌张的表情
像舍不得 消失的流星
我无法相信 你把我留在原地
找着等着 我想你 想得彻底
就让我 痛着喊着用力哭泣
我还是一样的爱着你
不管多少人劝我放弃
有时候我会哼起回忆
这是你可以 给我的勇气
我还是一样的爱着你
等待的幸福更不需要怀疑
我知道我可以 一直这样爱你

忘不了你 慌张的表情
像舍不得 消失的流星
我无法相信 你把我留在原地
找着等着 我想你 想得彻底
就让我 痛着喊着用力哭泣
我还是一样的爱着你
不管多少人劝我放弃
有时候我会哼起回忆
这是你可以 给我的勇气
我还是一样的爱着你
等待的幸福更不需要怀疑
我知道我可以 一直这样爱你

回到过去 是你 牵着我 保护我
是你一直爱着我

有时候我会哼起回忆
这是你可以 给我的勇气
我还是一样的爱着你
等待的幸福更不需要怀疑
我知道我可以 一直这样爱你
我永远都愿意 一直这样爱你


always.. for u baby.

Just got back from LA this morning.. Brings back lots of memories.. Cos the last time he came and pick me from flight was my LA flight just about 3 weeks ago..

He'll pick me early in the morning.. Have breakfast w me, send me home, wait for me to change and go to his place and rest together.. Like I told him before, other than my brother and dad who picks me up and go, no one ever waited for me at the arrival hall and send me home. I really felt loved, and am full of appreciation towards him.

This time, same flight, same time, different date, different feeling, different situation. He's no longer there for me, and he no longer will be. And as for me, i'm back to the lonesome me, yet again..


好想好好爱你

我口袋裡 還有你給的溫馨
我的手心 還有你吻的氣息
低低的雲 讓想念的人喘不過氣
而你的背影 會在哪裡平靜

跟蹤記憶 我才能和你接近
除了可惜 眼淚沒有聲音
有一些人 容易動情也容易忘情
我愛過了你 心永遠在那裡

好想好好愛你 這一句話只能藏成秘密
關上窗外的雨 反覆處碰你愛過的痕跡
好想好好愛你 卻沒有權利 再把你抱緊
從今以後 如果你能快樂 就別管我想你

想对你说 you'll always be my love
我还是好想你


miss u baby..

today feels like god's gift to me... i met angela (she's the one who was there for me when i was upset about E***), met wendy (the gal i went on holiday with), leeli came in today (and called me to chat with me)... all the close colleagues of mine, all gathered in LA on the same day... what are the chances? it was as though god knows i've been feeling down, and sent these angels to keep me company and to cheer me up..

i've been busy with my own stuff and they have been with their own too, and it was nice to finally meet them by chance and catch up with them.. angela spent the day with me, wendy's sleeping with me tonight to keep me company, and leeli's having lunch w me tomorrow before i check out and head back home...

and when i'm back home, i need to go back to reality, and face everyone again. it's a dilemma. when i'm overseas,though i may feel lonely without my friends that i can call upon, it's a chance for me to hide away from all the troubles i have back home... yet when i'm back home, i gotta face the reality and be brave and brace for whatever that i may encounter anytime.. but i can see the people i love, and be there for the one i love.

i guess this is life for me.. always having to think about others before me, always having to be understanding in all kinds of situation.. just so that everyone else can be happy.

seems like life's never gonna be smooth sailing for me.. and the jaded feeling i have is never gonna get me anywhere near love. not even to someone i love, let alone to be loved by someone.


我知道

从来没想过
不能再和你牵手
委屈时候
没有你陪着我心痛

一切都是我太过骄纵
以为你会懂
一直忘了说
我有多感动

我知道你还是爱着我
虽然分开的理由
我们都以接受

你知道我会有多难过
所以即使到最后
还微笑着要我加油

我知道你还放不下我
才会在离开时
闭着眼没有回头

我们都知道 彼此心中
其实 这份爱没停过

曾经完整幸福的梦 在脑海里头
我多希望你 还在我左右

我知道你还是爱着我
虽然分开的理由
我们都以接受

你知道我会有多难过
所以即使到最后
还微笑着要我加油

我知道你还放不下我
才会在离开时
闭着眼没有回头

答应你 我会好好过
不让 这些眼泪 白流

music music.. really my confidant. there always seem to be one song to describe my feelings at any point of time in my life, be it when i'm happy or sad, or when i'm in love or fall out of one. what would life be without music? boring, monotonous and lifeless. and whenever i'm down and all alone, music is the one that keeps me company..

most importantly, music brought us together, and will keep us together forever, even as friends.

i wish for him to be healthy and safe everyday, i came out with a chinese prayer for him..

"愿上苍能赐给他坚强的生命力，在每一个日出时分，能将世界上所有的真善美送给他，祝他幸福，快乐，平安。“

as long as he's happy and safe, nothing else matters anymore..


只要你快乐

就算是想通了
Let it go， let it go， let it go
我就是无法强装 往日的笑容

想不透每一次
When you call， when you call， when you call
就是不能掩饰 想念的冲动
为什么

试着安静的 平静的 仔细的 去感受
灼热的感觉 直达心中
多么的震憾我 也要勇敢触碰

只要你快乐
真的只要你快乐
不管这像不像我 多么难过
也会欣然接受 你擦身走过
我要你快乐 真的只要你快乐
随时都为你保留 我的问候
我一遍一遍 重覆我的心痛

某一天也许我
Have to go， have to go， have to go
不再躲避回忆 任意的捕捉

我还是会唱着
Missing you， missing you， missing you
从此面对往事 而无动于衷 为什么

就算安静的 平静的 仔细的 去感受
灼热的感觉 直达心中
它不再震憾我 我能够勇敢触碰

只要你快乐
真的只要你快乐
不管我追求什么 害怕什么
也会欣然接受 你擦身走过
我要你快乐 真的只要你快乐
再见也可以夺走 一字不留
我一遍一遍 重覆我的心痛

就算是想通了
Let it go， let it go， let it go
就是不能掩饰 想念的冲动
为什么


sometimes, it's hard to pretend you don't care about something, when really it's all you think about.

it's been a long week.. and a long stay back at home.. and now i'm in LA again, off for 6 days, off being alone again in a faraway land.. doesn't help that insomnia is trying to befriend me, and my tummy is always not feeling hungry.

always when i go away, i feel like everyone else's life moved on, except for mine. when i come back, some things always changed, some things would have happened, except for me and my life. it's as though my life has been put on a hold whenever i'm away, and when i'm on hold, it's by default that loneliness and emoness will be there to accompany me. it's a damn sucky feeling, not being able to call anyone to chit chat, not being able to meet people for company.. wad's worse? the rain outside my window..

it may be miserable to keep things to myself, and no one person knows everything about me.. my feelings, thoughts, emotions.. cos i dun think anyone will be able to understand me.. no one will agree with my actions and decisions and why i do certain things.. and i dun like to hear ppl telling me wad to do.. i've a mind of my own, i know wad's going on. and all i need is for people around me to respect my decisions and actions. no need to agree with me, just stand by me. but sadly, not many people can do that. most people will tell me i should do this, should do that, but they dun understand the whole situation. plus, i dun like to show my weak side to anyone. so people who have seen me cry, somehow or another i always feel a little embarrassed when i face them.

i read this somewhere and i really wanna let him know:

"baby, if one day, u feel like crying, call me. i don't promise i can make u laugh, but i can cry with you.
if one day u wanna run away, don't be afraid to call me. i don't promise to ask u stop, but i can run with you.
if one day you don't feel like listening to anyone, call me. i promise to be there for you, and i promise to be very quiet.
but if one day you call me and there's no answer, come fast to see me. perhaps, i need you. "

this is my promise to him, and it will stand as long as i live. after all that has happened, i really learn to 看开 and take things in my stride. the worst has already happened, and i believe there's nothing more that can affect me anymore..

I THINK OF YOU

When I'm down and all alone
When nothing seems to matter
When I lose my hope
When I'm sad and confused

When it all gets turned around and 'round
I can't seem to reach for solid ground
When everything I've believed in seems untrue
All I have to do

[Chorus]
Is think of you
I think of you and it's gone
Like you chase away the storm
Making it all okay
I think of you
I think of you and I'm strong
And I know I can go on
It's like you set me free
When life gets the best of me
I just think of you

Now I know what love means
And whatever life may hold for me
Through the fire
Through the rain I believe

Cause there's nothing I can't bear
Knowing that you will be there
If I fall I won't break
Through it all I'll make it through
Cause all I have to do

[Chorus]

And when I think I'm all alone
I can't see the way to go
Lost in the rain of my own tears
To wash away the pain and fear

[Chorus]

For the good times and the bad times
I just think of you
Cause you know you get the best of me
I just think of you


i'm thinking of u baby..

after all that has happened.. it's still comforting to be able to see him and help him in anyways that i can... it was great gigging with him last night.. it was my first time, and he really gave me a lot of encouragement and courage to be myself on stage and sing it out.. i like it this way.. still be able to hang out at our place, and still be able to care for him..

but of course, there are times when i'll think of him when i'm alone.. thinking of him with his gal.. but i guess that's the whole point of the choice he made.. for me to be understanding enough to be happy for him...


下雨天

下雨天了怎么办 我好想你
不敢打给你 我找不到原因
什么失眠的声音
变得好熟悉
沉默的场景 做你的代替
陪我听雨滴

期待让人越来越沉迷
谁和我一样
等不到他的谁
爱上你我总在学会
寂寞的滋味
一个人撑伞 一个人擦泪
一个人好累

怎样的雨 怎样的夜
怎样的我能让你更想念
雨要多大
天要多黑 才能够有你的体贴

其实 没有我你分不清那些
彻别 接近还能多一些
别说你会难过
别说你想改变
被爱的人不用道歉

期待让人越来越疲惫
谁和我一样
等不到他的谁
爱上你我总在学会
寂寞的滋味
一个人撑伞 一个人擦泪
一个人好累

怎样的雨 怎样的夜
怎样的我能让你更想念
雨要多大
天要多黑 才能够有你的体贴

其实 没有我你分不清那些
彻别 接近还能多一些
别说你会难过
别说你想改变
被爱的人不用道歉

怎样的雨 怎样的夜
怎样的我能让你更想念
雨要多大
天要多黑 才能够有你的体贴

其实 没有我你分不清那些
彻别 接近还能多一些
别说你会难过
别说你想改变
被爱的人不用道歉

i think the question that's asked most often is "are u ok?" and most of the time the answer to that question will be yes. but how often do we really mean it when we say yes?? for me, it's almost never true when i say i'm ok.. cos if i am, there's no need for people to ask me that question at all...

but of course, the question will always pop out out of concern.. and i appreciate the gesture from the people who ask this question.. likewise, i'll do the same for anyone around me...

i guess sometimes it may be better if i draw myself out from everything... and take a break. i've been so busy my whole life trying to make everyone around me happy... so busy being a giver, i forgotten how is it like to receive.


DISGUISE

Have you ever felt some kind of emptiness inside
You will never measure up, to those people you
Must be strong, can't show them that you're weak
Have you ever told someone something
That's far from the truth
Let them know that you're okay
Just to make them stop
All the wondering, and questions they may have

I'm okay, I really am now
Just needed some time, to figure things out
Not telling lies, I'll be honest with you
Still we don't know what's yet to come

Have you ever seen your face,
In a mirror there's a smile
But inside you're just a mess,
You feel far from good
Need to hide, 'cos they'd never understand
Have you ever had this wish, of being
Somewhere else
To let go of your disguise, all your worries too
And from that moment, then you see things clear

I'm okay, I really am now
Just needed some time, to figure things out
Not telling lies, I'll be honest with you
Still we don't know what's yet to come

Are you waiting for the day
When your pain will disappear
When you know that it's not true
What they say about you
You could not care less about the things
Surrounding you
Ignoring all the voices from the walls

I'm okay, I really am now
Just needed some time, to figure things out
Not telling lies, I'll be honest with you
Still we don't know what's yet to come
I'm okay, I really am now
Just needed some time, to figure things out
Not telling lies, I'll be honest with you
Still we don't know what's yet to come

Still we don't know what's yet to come
Still we don't know what's yet to come

really doesn't matter if i'm happy or not.. as long as the people around me are happy, that's good enough for me to live with.. everything good that happens to me in life is a bonus, and since it is, i should be counting my blessings and be happy that i can still experience all the bonuses in life... be contented with what i have, or not. cos things do happen for a reason.

no matter wad happens, i'll always be happy for u, and stand by u always...


好的事情

休息是為了走更長的路
你就是我的旅途
都是因為你 我一直漫步

想要跟你一起走到最後
但我遺失了地圖
誰給誰束縛 誰比誰辛苦
愛到深處才會領悟

好的事情 最後雖然結束
感動十分 就有十分滿足
謝謝你 是你陪我走過那些路
痛 是以後無法再給你幸福

好的事情 也許能夠重複
感動時分 就算紛紛模糊
不要哭 至少你和我記得很清楚
愛 是為彼此祝福

想要跟你一起走到最後
但我遺失了地圖
誰給誰束縛 誰比誰辛苦
愛到深處才會領悟

好的事情 最後雖然結束
感動十分 就有十分滿足
謝謝你 是你陪我走過那些路
痛 是以後無法再給你幸福

好的事情 也許能夠重複
感動時分 就算紛紛模糊
不要哭 至少你和我記得很清楚
愛 是為彼此祝福

不要哭 至少你和我記得很清楚
愛 是為彼此祝福

there's really nothing more to say. i guess this song says it all.

for u baby, from jovi.

ALWAYS

This romeo is bleeding
But you can't see his blood
It's nothing but some feelings
That this old dog kicked up

It's been raining since you left me
Now I'm drowning in the flood
You see I've always been a fighter
But without you I give up

Now I can't sing a love song
Like the way it's meant to be
Well, I guess I'm not that good anymore
But baby, that's just me

And I will love you, baby - Always
And I'll be there forever and a day - Always
I'll be there till the stars don't shine
Till the heavens burst and
The words don't rhyme
And I know when I die, you'll be on my mind
And I'll love you - Always

Now your pictures that you left behind
Are just memories of a different life
Some that made us laugh, some that made us cry
One that made you have to say goodbye
What I'd give to run my fingers through your hair
To touch your lips, to hold you near
When you say your prayers try to understand
I've made mistakes, I'm just a man

When he holds you close, when he pulls you near
When he says the words you've been needing to hear
I'll wish I was him 'cause those words are mine
To say to you till the end of time

Yeah, I will love you baby - Always
And I'll be there forever and a day - Always

If you told me to cry for you
I could
If you told me to die for you
I would
Take a look at my face
There's no price I won't pay
To say these words to you

Well, there ain't no luck
In these loaded dice
But baby if you give me just one more try
We can pack up our old dreams
And our old lives
We'll find a place where the sun still shines

And I will love you, baby - Always
And I'll be there forever and a day - Always
I'll be there till the stars don't shine
Till the heavens burst and
The words don't rhyme
And I know when I die, you'll be on my mind
And I'll love you - Always

exactly one week ago.. my happiness was put to a stop.. and till today, i'm still oblivious to where i'm heading to... but one thing for sure i know:
只要有一点不甘心，就不是到放弃的时候。
and i'm holding on to this faith and hope, so strong it overwhelms me sometimes..

i never imagine myself to pour my feelings on my blog again. i thought those days were over, i thought i'll never need to talk to my blog again. but turns out, that's not the case. so much so much thoughts that run through my head, and i'll never be able to share them with anyone else like i do in my blog.

when i'm sad or happy, i turn to music. and the lyrics to every single song i hear will make me link it back to him.. and so, i'm gonna slowly express my feelings, through songs, and i'm gonna keep the faith and hope going. stronger, firmer, and i know i can do it.

明知我愛你

告诉你 瞒着你 只不过是个决定
放弃你 忘记你 只怕我无法前进
不知道为什么会如此莫名紧张你
我越了解你 越靠近你 越犹豫

明知道我爱你 却不敢告诉你
我害怕失去你 宁愿沉默不语
该如何整理 幸福在手里
我恨自己 无能为力

明知道我爱你 却不敢靠近你
我假装不在意 反而痛了自己
多痛都可以 不能没有你
只想永远永远爱你
你知不知道我也没关系

i've been taking it easy so far... trying to lead the life i used to live before everything happened. and i realized, my life was so so lonely and depressing.. even in the past.

the routine of waking up to an empty house, watch drama, listen to music, write music, sleep. that was how i lived before i met him. and now, things are back as it is, except, my body is not cooperating well with me.

i haven't been eating well, and when i eat, my body rejects them all. i really dun wanna fall sick.. i wanna be healthy, so i can be there for him when he needs me to keep him company or to take care of him, or just to stand by him and support him.

whenever i'm overseas, i feel even more depressed. the loneliness seems to magnify with the distance away from home. cos when i'm overseas, nobody texts me, nobody chat w me, nobody to keep me company.. when i'm singapore, it's the same case, except, i can still go to the place where i know i'll find familiar faces and company..

more often than not, i'll find trails of tears by my eyes when i wake up.. i dunno if it's something or someone i dream of every night, but there's just something that triggers my tear glands every time i fall asleep alone at night. and when i wake up to an empty room, empty house, to a phone with no msges but a load of junk mail.. however bright and sunny it may be, my mood will still be down.

but, i know the sun will still rise and set.. and nobody will care if i fall ill or die.. so i'll definitely brace myself. for the sake of the people around me, the people that i care about, the people that i love the most, i'll keep myself alive and kicking, so i can protect my loved ones, and be there for my loved ones when they need me.. i'll stand tall, so my loved ones can depend on me when they have to, i'll be strong, so my loved ones can seek comfort in me when they need to...

so jovi, for the sake of the one u love, be strong.

things happened. but i still believe things happen for a reason..

i'm still holding on to the faith i believe in, and though things may not turn out the way i would like it to.. at least one party will be happy.

if i cannot be the one that make him happy, then at least i can be the one that let him go to look for his happiness out there.

i may be foolish, but i'm not stupid. i know what i'm doing, and i have my reasons for doing so. so pls, if anyone is even reading this, don't question my actions.

i'm happy i have people around me who respect that, but for people who don't understand, that's fine. cos what's most important is how i feel at the end of the day. whether or not i'll be happy at the end of the day, it doesn't matter anymore, cos at any point of time, the happiness of the people around me matters much more than myself. not cos i'm selfless, but just cos i really treasure the people around me, their care, concern and love for me.

i'm not oblivious to all. i just choose to silently let these care and concern penetrate me and make me a happier person.

i may slowly go back into my shell again, or i may put up a strong front and stand tall in front of everyone. i dunno. but what i know is, time will heal all wounds, yes it may leave a scar, but it will heal. the pain will go, the scar will remind u of the pain, but will also remind u of the good times u had before the pain.

so, embrace all that's coming ur way jovi. be it good or bad, take it all. cos it will make u grow, and be a stronger, better, and a more mature person.

It has been a whole different feeling and experience I've gone through for the past 2 months...

I met someone new, and that changed my life. He made me feel nothing like I've felt before. He made me feel I'm important, I'm beautiful, i'm wanted, I'm worthy to be loved and most importantly, I can totally be myself when I'm with him.

But things are complicated.. And many many things seems to be obstacles in front of us, his ex gf, my job, but the most crucial obstacle was actually my own heart. It's irritating when I get insecure for nothing... And it has really taken a toll on me for a few days..

But I overcame it. I told myself, I really wanna make this work, and with my job, it doesn't help at all to be thinking too much all the time. And I told myself, he'll appreciate the trust I put in him..

So, I feel different now that I cleared the stupid irritating feeling in me. I feel a lot more optimistic, that things will work out between us.

Some may say, we got together too fast. To me, given another chance, i'd still take the same route and choose to be with him. Why? I dun regret my decision at all, cos if we din get together then, we might never have gotten together, and I may never know how much I can give in a relationship, and I may never know how much I can gain out of one too..

Really thankful I've met him, thankful that he came into my life, even though it's in such an unexpected way, but it's definitely a challenge for me to do my best to fight for my future.. And fight for the one I want, and I need.

"就是这种无所谓对自己很随便的态度，才会让别人把自己很随便的给糟蹋掉，变成一个可有可无的朋友."

one of my friend said that to me.. and i wonder: is it really me? being easy on the things i eat, the things i wear, the things we do... main aim is just to please the majority.. it's not that i dun have a mind of my own, i just want to please everybody..

oh well, no point trying to explain why i'm easy with things right? if my friends are my friends, they'll accept me for who i am.

went to watch a movie tonight w ah jo... really thankful for her company... movie has never really been my thing... until i met my first bf... he loves to watch movies.. and the channel is almost always tuned to HBO or star movie when he's in china.. and in sg, he'll always pull me along to watch movies.. then slowly, i began to love watching movie. i began to love the feeling of being in the dark, cos no one can see u cry, no one will care if u have something on ur face, no one will scrutinize u...

then, after the breakup, i lost touch w the movie world. i lock myself in my little world, retreat to my little shell.. and was there till i met someone who inspired me.

and then i begin to start watching movie again with this special friend. and the feeling came back. the comfortable, warm feeling of having someone u are used to sitting next to u in the cinema.. until this special friend begin to drift away, just like many other friends of mine.

slowly but surely, i seem to be falling back into my little world, my little shell... thank god for the few friends who are still standing by me.. for the few friends who still cares.

i guess music is really a tool that brings one's mood to the extreme.. u can be super high w music, and yet be super emo too.. and for me, emo always seems to supersede the other extreme.

the song i submitted for competition didn't get into finals.. as expected. and somehow, with that failure, everything else doesn't seem to be going smoothly for me too.. i mean, i'm happy enough that my song got into semi finals, considering the fact that i'm really new to all this song writing stuff.. and i'm really happy some of my friends are there to support me and give me the encouragement before, during and after the competition. something someone with super low self-esteem like me needs badly.

just when i thought things are changing for the better, i realise it may not be what i expected it to be.. i have found my passion in music, learning more about song writing with my song writer friends and self learning guitar.. the self satisfaction when i finish writing a song, filling in the lyrics, singing it over and over again to myself, in front of the mirror, singing it to my friends, getting their comments on my song.. the whole process is just so self satisfying.. and so fulfilling.

but, nothing is perfect, particularly life. just when i thought i found a friend who may be the inspiration of my life, which he still is, somehow it just seems like all direct connections are lost, and i'm left hanging on my own again. i lost the enthusiasm i had when i first got inspired by him, and i lost the drive to do things.

it's just sad that friends come and go in ur life, and u will never which are the friends that will stay with u forever in life. some of them might be people that u just brush pass everyday, or dun like at the very first sight, or may be really close for the first 6 months of ur friendship.. nevertheless, i always believe in treating ur friends wholeheartedly. i go all out for my friends, not knowing if they will be the ones that will stay as my friends forever, but i'll rather do my best in maintaining the friendship than risking the chance of losing them as a life long friend.

friends forever, people always say. but, does it really happen? i wonder.

it's been quite a while since my last post.. wad have i been doing?

pretty much the same routine.. flying.. roaming the world alone.. and when i'm back in sg i practice my guitar, write songs, hang out at hood, and gym out once a while.. not forgetting the occasional meetups with my dear friends and colleagues..

i think it's really amazing when u found something in life to focus on, and to look forward to. my friend encouraged me to send my song in for competition, and so i've been spending time working on it with my arranger, recording demo.. and in the meantime, writing new songs as well.. and with all the things that's going on, i made new friends and i'm really loving my life now as compared to my life 8 months ago before i picked up guitar..

after my last relationship, i was living in a state of emo almost every other day.. i hate to stay in singapore, always feeling lonely overseas, hate to come back to an empty home. hate to always have my friends telling me they are too tired or not free to meet me..

but it's different now.. i can be on my own overseas and not feeling lonely, cos i know when i get back to sg, i have things to do, people who will look me up and ask me out.. people who will be concern about me when i post things up on fb.. people who will care if i'm down or happy, if i'm in sg or overseas.

i like my life now, i love the people around me, and i love the new friends i met in the past month. and i really gotta thank music for pulling me up, and making me positive again.

today is valentine's day.. so HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY to one and all...

before i was attached, valentine's day to me was more of friendship day.. spent it with single friends, close friends, best friend.

when i was attached, valentine's day was a normal day to me. he was always away working, so we made a pact to disregard any special occasions like xmas day, new yr day, and of course, valentine's day.

after i was attached, i.e. when i'm back to being single, i felt a bit lost. this is the 2nd valentine's day after my relationship with my ex, and still i'm lost. main reason is: i'm still single.

last yr i was away working.. so it felt like any other normal working day.. away from home, away from friends, away from life. this yr i'm around in sg, with majority of my friends attached, or have plans.. makes me feel a bit sad that i'm single.

ironically, i really enjoy singlehood.. i like to be able to stay out late, to be able to hang out with friends i wanna hang out with, to be able to concentrate on being with my friends when i'm out.. i like to be able to make friends with who i want to, and i like to hang out with people that makes me happy.

so to count my blessings, as long as i have people around me to keep me company and walk me through my single life, and make me happy with their company, i believe i should be able to tide through singlehood and handle this complicated feeling that keeps lingering in me almost every other day..

to all lovers in the world, treasure wad u have..

to all singles in the world, treasure wad u have as well..

whether or not u are single or attached, there are its pros and cons, ups and downs. and so, i believe,

all things happen for a reason.. cheers.

a new year, a new post. i've been busy since the beginning of the year, and i only got time to settle down now. i've been on long flights, and meeting up with friends, brother's commission parade, etc etc..

i've been drinking a lot, even before the month ended. maybe cos drinking makes me thirsty and i drink alot of liquid to begin with. but the important thing that really matters to me most is the company. sometimes even without any conversation, the company is good enough for me to enjoy myself and be thankful i have these people around me to keep me company.

however tired i feel, i'll never forgo a chance to be able to spend time with my friends, cos to me, every friend is a treasure to me. if someone ask me out, i'll definitely try and make time for him or her. to me, that's my way of keeping in contact with each other, getting to know each other better, and maintaining the friendship with each other's company. i treasure that, a lot.

something new i've found out about myself this year: i'm a poor conversation starter. and i think a lot, but i talk very little. some people may beg to differ, but that's only cos i talk crap and rubbish to lift up the mood in a gathering with close friends. but if u really know me well, i'm a real quiet person. i love to people watch, and appreciate the people around me while other people talk.

i love my friends, old friends, new friends, i love them all.